A Falling Sun

I turn my face from the sun
I just can't face facing you anymore
We've got no time, there's no time for us at all

Would the sun fall
If he ever thought it would be like this?
Would he have ever shone a light on us?
Should I have followed you, what have I learnt?

That the sun that shines the brightest,
Is not the only one.

i like it, really....its so vampiric like myself and Winjuri.....

PaperCrane wrote:I turn my face from the sun
I just can't face facing you anymore Ohh, I like that, face facing you.
We've got no time, there's no time for us at all You don't need to repeat yourself. For no reason especially.

Would the sun fall
If he ever thought it would be like this? Would he have a choice to fall or not? Normally you don't, you just do it. So you may want to choose a different word that gives the sun more control over his actions.
Would he have ever shone a light on us? It already has? You turn from the sun for a reason. I am assuming because of it's metaphorical light, and even then, it's still showing light.
Should I have followed you, what have I learnt? This is sort of awkward because we have no idea what you've learned and why would you be following the sun? Are you chasing it across the sky looking for answers? And speaking of that, how does what you learn relate to following the sun? You should describe this.

That the sun that shines the brightest,
Is not the only one. Symbolism is cool when you have base for it to make sense on. But you have a vague poem here and we're not entirely sure what it's about.

Over all:
A metaphor / simile or two could really help clear up the confusion on the subject. As well as elaboration on the ideas already presented. And maybe an action / event or two that gives us something to relate to and get a better understanding of what you're trying to say.

That's pretty much it, you have the basic idea down, some poetic devices and not 100% direct description, which is good.

Good luck, keep writing. (sorry for the short review)
Pm me with any concerns or ways to get better;
Silented1.

Hi, thanks to both of you for your reviews. First of all, it really isn't vampiric, there are no descriptions of vampirism or any other supernatural force. If you find the style gothic that's one thing, and that's fine, but it's not vampiric.

To silented1, thanks your review was really in depth. I think that you took the poem a bit too literally, it is really meant to be quite subtle and open to different interpretations, but I think that you're right in saying it isn't totally descriptive and some lines aren't clear. I like the first version how it is, and I'm not going to change that.

I think I should basically explain what the poem is about. It is not about the actual sun. I have actually likened my partner to the sun, as he is very talented and I sometimes feel as though I'm in his shadow.

Sometimes I can't face him, and I feel like we have no time together. The next line is literally about the sun, saying would the sun have fallen if he knew that his brightness created shadows for other people. I think that you're right and I should elaborate on that verse, I think I'm going to re-write it, a bit longer and more descriptive.

The last line of that verse should be attached to the last line. This would be saying, should I have followed my partner and learned from his talent, or have I just learnt that although he is very talented and brighter than many other people, he is not the only person on earth.

An action or event could be interesting, and I'll think about that too.

I don't get it. I think I understand what you are trying to convey, but if I may say so, you're doing apretty bad job of it. I've read better by you. Try either going over this again and really think about what you want to say, or just decide that your wrote this to vent a little and is never intended for anything other than private practice.

I'm not very good a critiquing poetry but I was intrigued by the title because I have written a novel called My Falling Sun. And maybe it's just me but your poem could definitely apply to my story..

Onto my review:
I really liked it, it was very cool how you connected the sun to the deeper meaning, which was powerful.
I would say that this line;

I turn my face from the sun

somewhat messes up the overall flow because it is the only action in a slew of thoughts. Personally, I think it would be better without unless you added more actions or setting which I am not suggesting you do.

Lastly,

Would he have ever shone a light on us?

It's a little unclear as to who "he" is. I assume you mean the sun and I like the personification but I also got the sense that he was a lover of some sort...

Well that's all I have to say. I liked it, not only because It related to my story. (Although that was a plus )

Yeah, the first line does have another meaning which isn't clear. To turn away from the light means to turn towards darkness, or towards sadness/evil. I'm using sun instead of light. And yes 'he' is the sun, and yes it is like a lover... I'm not going to explain this very well probably... I love using double meanings in my poems, like using one word that means two things, so I'm using the sun as the meaning of light and the sun in the sky, and I'm using it as a metaphor for my partner who reminds me of the sun because is so pure and good (like light).