You know what the funny thing is?
She never really knew him. All the tears she cried, the he hurtful words she said to me, the sleepless nights where all for a man that she'd never met before.
Was it because dad left? Is that why she clung to a fantasy man that she'd never meet before?
I remember the first time I saw him .I was ten , the leaves had already began dropping form the trees and the air had started to cool. I hate autumn, leaves fall and die. They leave their homes and never return again. Just like dad did, but dad wasn't dead. He had run away and left mom and I alone. I kind of envied the trees though, when its leaves fall, they fall because they have to. Dad left because he chose to, because he didn't love us enough. When I asked her why the leaves fall she told me it was because their husbands had left them too. She laughed at this but I didn't find it very funny.
He was in room that smelt of dust and rat droppings. There was a large window at the end, warm comforting light swarming in. You could see the back of our unruly garden .it was a part of our garden I’d never seen before because I’d never been able to get there. I liked that room before tom made her go crazy, not anymore though. It’s funny that I found him in a room that made me feel so warm, it’s funny he entered my life with such warm feeling. A feeling that later turned to emptiness and sorrow. I’d never been in that room before. Mom had told me not to go in there but I was angry at her for something. I wanted to do something that would make her mad. So I opened the door that had been denied to me all my life but to my disappointment it was completely empty, except for an old photograph of a man on the floor. He was dressed in what looked like a military uniform standing by an airplane. How brave he looked. I felt happy just looking at the picture. Maybe that's how he reeled her in; maybe that's how he took my mom form me.
He had a handsome face, a friendly smile, brown eyes that seemed to know everything and silky brown hair to match. He kind of reminded me of dad, which I’m not particularly sure was a good thing. She shouted at me when I showed her the picture, not as much as I thought she would though
“He has your father's eyes." she said and I remember the expression on her face. It was a mixture of sadness and confusion.
“What’s his name?” I asked
“Tom.” She said
Danm that name!
Danm him!
Afterwards Mom carried him everywhere. He would speak to her. He would whisper words in her ear that I couldn’t hear. She wanted me to though. She wanted me to hear the words.
“Why can’t you hear him Suzy? Listen his saying something now... listen god dammit listen!”
I never heard his words though. Sometimes she would joke and say things like.
“Don’t try taking any more cookies Suzy, Tom will tell me.”
I knew she was joking though because pictures couldn’t speak, they couldn’t comfort you when you cried and they couldn’t replace people. Pictures couldn’t replace dad.
As I grew older I stared wondering whether I should tell someone about Tom but they’d think mom was crazy and take her away from me.
“Mom he’s not there.” I’d say hoping that she’d smile at me and agree. Hoping that she’d hug me tight and tell me it was just all a silly joke.
“He is there Suzy, he’s there for you and for me, and now that daddy is gone he’ll protect us.”
People started to say things about mom’s imaginary man, they tried to tell her to go and get help but she didn’t listen, she was so sure he was there.
“You don’t think I’m crazy Suzy? You don’t think I’m a loon do you?” she’d say with tears in her eyes and I’d look up to her and tell her she was perfect. Everyday I’d tell her lies.
They eventually took her away. They said she was troubled and needed help. It hurt to know that I believed them.
I remember the scene too well, they dragged her out the house kicking and screaming, tears in her eyes. My hearts still aches when I remember those cries, begging me to help her and me wanting to help her with all my heart.
“Help me Suzy! Tell them he’s real, tell them!”
I couldn’t tell them though because Tom never existed, he was just an imaginary man.
