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Proper Shakespearean sonnet for you all!

For long I hoped to light her heart aflame.
And in the garden where she oft spent time,
I once had dared to ask her for her name.
She smiled, and said the beauty, "You are slime."

Undaunted, I came back to her next day.
This time, she said, not smiling, "Leave my sight."
I begged, I wept, and I confessed - but nay,
she looked at me just like a viper might.

And then, head sunk, I slowly walked back home.
Once there, I beat my breast, I tore my hair,
I watched as through my love obsession shone,
and as the ice had cracked, despite my care.

And now, the ice had slipped. My eyes did dart,
my smile did twist at her blackened charred heart.

Hey, Carbon! I'll try to be quick with this, since you did a pretty decent job of rounding this together.

Since this is in iambic pentameter, that's what I checked out first. You neither missed a beat, nor accented the wrong syllable, so you get much praise for that feat. However--and mind you that I'm guilty of it in stringent meter as well--you sacrificed a tiny bit of sense-making and grammar for the sake of the meter, which is a no-no. There was really only one that stood out to me:

Undaunted, I returned to there next day.

The deal with this is the omitted article 'the' between 'there' and 'next'. It's your poem, so I'll give you free reign over how to handle it, but articles are essential, even in Shakespearean poetry.

Of course, some lines make you do a double-take if you're not careful, but that's entirely fine. You seem to know exactly what you're doing.

I do have a little bone to pick with your capitalization, however. Keep in mind that not every line needs to be capitalized. Treat it as if you were simply writing sentences, but with line breaks. You show an understanding of this in your punctuation, but just follow through with your capitalization as well, and you'll be golden.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumiface

carbonCore wrote:For long I hoped to light her heart aflame. This would be a good starting line, except for the fact that your tense is off - this should be in the past perfect tense, not simply the past tense. But you have the right idea, starting off your poem with a short and sweet little phrase such as this.
And in the garden where she oft spent time, Mmm. I want to say that this doesn't flow particularly well, but, as this is a sonnet, I know you have strict number-of-syllables-per-line restrictions. Okay. I'm guessing the problem with this line is that it ends on an unfinished note, which does not sit well with relatively long, single-clause lines, especially following the one preceding it.
I once had dared to ask her for her name. Now the emotion is beginning to deteriorate. The utter blandness of this line together with how cliched this idea is does nothing but estrange me. Again, I understand that this is a sonnet, but I'm sure you can manipulate the rules a bit so that it actually pleases the reader.
She smiled, and said the beauty, "You are slime." Here is another instance where you fail in how you present the emotion. "Said the beauty," aside from simply sounding odd, implies a certain insanity in how the narrator loves this woman - how he interprets her insults as "beautiful." Of course, this may not be intended to be literal, which would have nearly the opposite meaning. In this case, the girl would have refused him kindly - thus the "beauty" - but the narrator took it as the worst; he interpreted her words not as more romantic, but as more vile than they actually were. In either case, it is the phrase "said the beauty" that throws this line off.

Undaunted, I came back to her next day. The omitted "the" makes this sound somewhat off. Your prosey style of writing poetry causes the reader to expect indefinite and/or definite articles where they should be included, and so neglecting to do so is disorienting. This is a sonnet, yes, so you can't just "add it in," but I'd take note of this nevertheless.
This time, she said, not smiling, "Leave my sight." Ugh. Utterly bland. All this is is a cocktail of monosyllabic words and commas. You can do so much more with this image.
I begged, I wept, and I confessed - but nay, You've got a hint of emotion in this, but, to be honest,it seems a bit out of context. The "undaunted" person in the first line of the stanza who I was beginning to feel familiar with doesn't seem like he'd do something such as this after a mere three words from her. What you need, I believe, is more description of the girl - then you can get into the whole weeping and begging thing.
she looked at me just like a viper might. Not sure a viper is quite the right animal you're looking for. Studies suggest that snakes are more scared of humans than we are of them. Well, I guess there's really no animal that possesses the mental capabilities to actually hate us...but still, I think you might want to consider reworking this a bit.

And then, head sunk, I slowly walked back home. Head sunk. That's an interesting image. And again, this further supports the fact that the weeping and begging stuff really goes against the narrator's character, for in this line he is a bit more introspective.
Once there, I beat my breast, I tore my hair, This would be an excellent line if one were to remove it from the context of the rest of the poem, but we can't do that, can we, cC? This completely contradicts (again) the narrator's apparent character in the line prior to this...unless perhaps his reflective personality is more attributed to public scenarios, whereas in private he is somewhat more temperamental? Just a thought. However, I think this is a bit too small a space to develop such a complex character.
I watched as through my love obsession shone, Okay, it took me about five reads to finally figure out what this line was trying to say, and right there, you have quite a problem. Sophistry in wording can be a dangerous thing, and here it completely kills what you were trying to say.
and as the ice had cracked, despite my care. Once again, you're switching tenses, and this won't do anyone any justice. As far as meaning, if the ice is intended to represent the love between the girl and the narrator, wouldn't the ice have, well, never existed? Or does the ice represent something a bit more humble: the narrator's hope to be loved by the girl? I suppose this would make a tad bit more sense; in fact, it - for once - falls in line with the narrator's personality, as well.

And now, the ice had slipped. My eyes did dart, Watch for your inconsistent tense. If you want your poem to fall apart, at least don't let it do so for technical reasons. And "my eyes did dart?" What, exactly, does this mean?
my smile did twist at her blackened charred heart. I've never really been a fan of double adjectives in contexts such as these, and this is no exception. Also, if something is charred, it's pretty easy to assume that it's black as well.

Well, nice job. Thanks for entering my contest!

-Kafka

P.S. - I'll try to continue with our "His Little Girl" debate as soon as I can.