Memory

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6748
Reviews 100
This is something that I did for middle school once upon a time. I'm sure it's really bad now but ,hey, maybe someone will like it. I think I got a B for writing this. Feel free to completely rip this apart, but please do it politely.
Their gazes met, she looked down into his clear violet eyes, they stared at each other until he dropped his gaze and asked,
“Who are you? Where am I? Where...” he trailed off into silence as he looked frantically around him. After what seemed like an eternity, he asked, “How did I get here?” She sighed and said,
“You are in our country, Anara. North of the Southern Empire, if that helps, as for how, I do not know”, she turned away, “follow me.” She lifted the bucket and walked off.
“Wait!” his voice stopped her, “you didn’t answer my other question.” She turned around and looked at him,
“I am called Sharetha” she beckoned to him, “come.” He took one last look around and followed her across the sand.
“Sharetha! What were you doing outside? You know that there is a sandstorm coming!” snapped a tall, plump, brown haired lady blocking the way.
“Getting the water Elder”, she replied. “Then who’s this?” the elder asked.
“A boy, I found near the watering hole” she replied.
“Well, what’s your name boy?” the elder asked.
“Adros, Elder” he replied.
“Well”, the elder chuckled, “a well mannered boy! Where do you come from?”
Adros looked confused and replied trembling “I...I don’t know. All I know was that I woke up with Sharetha looking at me.”
“Hmm...” the elder frowned “memory loss I think, the council should hear about this. Wait here and get some rest.” The elder turned and walked away. Sharetha looked at Adros, who shrugged and lay down on the sand and fell asleep, a minute later Sharetha followed suit. The elder returned at dawn to give the verdict
“The council has decided to have you go to the posto della memoria.” she turned around and left.
“Where is that?” asked Adros
Sharetha looked at him “It is an oasis in the desert. Now”, she said seeing Adros’s scared face, “we really should get going.”
The next few days passed in a blur. The day was bright and sunny, but they didn’t see much of it as they were ambushed by a couple of soldiers and drugged before they had taken two steps.
Sharetha woke with a groan,”Adros?” she said
“I’m awake”, he paused and continued in a hurried voice, “…they told me things, they called me your highness… did you know we are in Tara, southwest of Anara?”
She shook her head,”No I didn’t. Who are they anyway?”
“They said they were from House Malvagità, one of the enemies of the Emperor.”Adros said, his lip quivering.
“Riight, anyway here is our plan”, Sharetha stated.
“Good plan”, he said when she finished. It worked as planned, but they had to flee as they were almost caught. They wandered through Idra and Bella, never stopping. On the 10th day they crossed the border. “Soon we shall arrive at the posto della memoria, the place of memory”, said Sharetha breaking the silence.
“What will happen there?” Adros asked “You will see” Sharetha said and continued walking. Soon they arrived there. It was beautiful, the water glistened in the sunset and the sand was the color of molten gold. “What do I do?” he asked “Drink the water” she said calmly. He drank and as he drank he felt his memories returning to him.
“There they are”, a man yelled, “get them.” Sharetha and Adros spun around
“Stop!” Adros commanded confidently, “in the name of Violet Emperor, I, Adros Viola Luna order you to stop.” The men screeched to a halt. “House Malvagità’s not going to be happy about this”, one of the men said.
Adros calmly said, “Now drop your weapons and stay here!” Adros then turned to Sharetha who said “You remember” “Yes” Adros stated. “I remember how my father died…”, he paused, “I am the Violet Emperor now.” Sharetha said nothing Adros looked at her musing, “Sharetha how would you like to be the ambassador from Anara?”
“I will ask the council”, she said.
“Very well, I am going home.” They parted ways. One week later Sharetha walked to the throne room in Memoria, Bella, ready to begin her new life.
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 911
Reviews 3
Dear idraax,
It was a good short story, but I feel as if it didn't flow smoothly in some areas. I am also curious why Sharetha accompanied Adros. She just said lets go and that's about it. I also wonder about when the soldier's talked to Adros.

idraax wrote:“Riight, anyway here is our plan”, Sharetha stated.


Here I wondered if you just accidentally put an extra i in or if it was a sarcastic remark. If it is I recommend you change the sentence to something like this. "Riight," she stated sarcastically." Anyway, here is our plan."

The stories doesn't give any details of how they did escaped. It just said the plan worked and you never said what the plan was. I think it would be a good idea to add a few details about it.

idraax wrote:It worked as planned, but they had to flee as they were almost caught. They wandered through Idra and Bella, never stopping.


Between the sentences would be a great place to start a new paragraph.

idraax wrote:“What will happen there?” Adros asked “You will see” Sharetha said and continued walking. Soon they arrived there. It was beautiful, the water glistened in the sunset and the sand was the color of molten gold. “What do I do?” he asked “Drink the water” she said calmly. He drank and as he drank he felt his memories returning to him.


idraax wrote:“You remember” “Yes” Adros


In the red highlighted areas, there should be a period where he ends talking and you should start a new line because it's something else talking so it should look something like this:

"What will happen there?” Adros asked.
“You will see” Sharetha said and continued walking. Soon they arrived there. It was beautiful, the water glistened in the sunset and the sand was the color of molten gold.
“What do I do?” he asked.
“Drink the water” she said calmly. He drank and as he drank he felt his memories returning to him.

“You remember.”
“Yes” Adros...

At the end, I can't help wonder why the soldiers stopped when Adros told them to. I was under the impression they were ordered to kill him. If they were, wouldn't they ignore him and try to kill him anyway?

Also when you finish with what a person is saying, the comma comes before the quotations.

I hoped this help.

Sincerely,
lightplusdark



A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin