Sisterhood

Spoiler

honestly, this is about a book, or rather a girl's feelings in a book. It's from the Trinistyr Triliogy, talk about obscurity. But it's about her feelings towards her sister who she's hated most of her life after her sister dies (gets turned into dust). I know no one's read these books, but the theme's something many people can connect with. Also the character, named Jirah, at one point was trying to kill her sister for her own gain (she wanted the family magic) and she's only like fourteen.

Verse:
Family through and through/
Not something I found true/
My priorities before yours/
That’s how I got on/
I see how stupid I was/
My own selfishness was the cause/
Chorus:
And I’d never thought I say this/
Especially not to you/
But I’m sorry/
I’m sorry, and it’s true/
I need you around/
Now you’re six feet in the ground/
And I wasn’t the one to do it to you/
Verse:
Now I see how great you were/
I have so much to learn/
As I fought beside you/
I was so proud/
You were so beautiful, so strong/
And my jealousy is gone.
[Chorus]
Verse:
Forgive me for what I did/
You know I was just some stupid kid/
You were so much stronger than me/
I can’t believe such a beautiful soul is gone/
All you are is dust/
Gone with one final thrust/
[Chorus]

I like the idea of the song, but I think you could make it better.
I don't like the line

AsxLoversxGo wrote:Now you’re six feet in the ground/

because it's too obvious and almost harsh, while the rest of the song seems the opposite of harsh.
I think some of your rhyming could be better also.

I really like the bit that says

AsxLoversxGo wrote:You were so beautiful, so strong/
And my jealousy is gone.

Good Luck

Emalily wrote:I like the idea of the song, but I think you could make it better.
I don't like the line

AsxLoversxGo wrote:
Now you’re six feet in the ground/

because it's too obvious and almost harsh, while the rest of the song seems the opposite of harsh.
I think some of your rhyming could be better also.

I really like the bit that says

AsxLoversxGo wrote:
You were so beautiful, so strong/
And my jealousy is gone.

Good Luck

I really agree with Emalily. I think this line is almost harsh

AsxLoversxGo wrote:
Now you’re six feet in the ground/

But I think some of your rhyming could be better. Just try to improve it.

Keep writing,

Alicia.

First off, sorry to sound like a grammar loser, but the / are soooo unnessasary and quite frankily annoying.

I like how you based this off a book.
I don't like, however, the following line.

Not something I found true/
My priorities before yours/
That’s how I got on/


even more specifically. "That's how I got on/" makes no kind of sense.
You might wanna look into that (;

PM me for more help.