Prom Disaster

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Reviews 268
I chewed on my favorite polar ice gum as everyone round me danced. The music pounded. I was waiting for my best friend, Caron, to join me. She was flirting with the love of her life: Daniel --she said that Daniel was her soul mate. Sometimes I believe that she just falls in love too fast. As I waited I spotted my other best friend, we were best best since we were two years old. All I did then is stare at him. I couldn't help but notice that he was dressed so perfectly. But it wasn't for me. It was for his date Houlka. She's a foreign student from Russia. He always said that he had something for foreign girls but I was Polish and he didn't even take a second glance at me. I was in love with him. Ever since we stepped into middle school I found him cuter and cuter every day. His blue eyes made me melt like chocolate on a hot biscuit.
He was talking to some of his friends. It was prom night. The red, blue and white balloons flew in the air as Katy Perry pumped up the dance floor with her music.

"Hey!" Caron yelled into my ear.

My elbow slipped off the table and I almost hit my head against it. I turned around and glared at Caron.

"You could come up and say 'hey' more quietly so I wouldn't crack my head open!" I said angrily.

"Well, you didn't." she said.

I rolled my eyes and looked away from her.

"You better be happy that I didn't!" I said.

I looked down at my silver heels. Oh, I bought them when I got my first pay check. I started my job at Marshall's on Monday. Today was why I bought them. It. Was. Prom. They matched my red dress perfectly! It was a sleeveless sort flowing dress. It reminded me of the time when me and Caron played celebrity dress-up for my thirteenth birthday.

I clicked my heels on the floor and stood up from the uncomfortable metal pink chair.

"Where are you going?" Caron recalled.

"To the bathroom," I replied.

My purse hit against my hip as I walked through the crowd. They were dancing to pop music and were not making any room so I could walk through. So I decided to push them away with all my might as I made my way to the double doors. I pushed them open. The quietness of the hallway made me feel relief.
The doors closed as I walked to the bathroom. All the music faded as I walked farther away.

I heard something coming form the janitor's closet. My heels stopped clicking against the tiled floors.
It got louder as I got closer. It was some kind of groaning sound. My stomach flipped from fear as I pushed the door open.

The people that I caught stared at me with wild eyes. No, it couldn't be.
I looked more closer at the people that I caught. The problem was that I just left her in the gym. Caron was making out with someone in the janitor's closet. But I just left her!
I couldn't see the guy 'cause it was dark. My heart started to best faster.

Her red hair was crazy --pointing in many directions.

"Caron!" I freaked out.

She slightly smiled and put her hand on her hip.
The guy came up closer and I saw who it was. My heart sank. Everything in me froze. I couldn't believe it. The dimmed light showed my best friend: Lucas.
I felt my jaw fall open. It was like I couldn't control anything in my body.

"How could you?" I yelled with tears coming out.

"Lucas! How could you just make out with Caron?" I yelled.

Lucas had a shocked face. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Caron?" I sobbed.

She looked down at the ground tapping her foot.
I could barely see from the tears that were blurring my vision.

"I can't believe it," I whispered.

I ran away, tearing up. My heart was beating really fast and almost jumped out of my chest. Everything hurt inside of me. I couldn't see, think, feel, smell, or even taste anything but my salty tears, thoughts of anger and sadness, the loss of love. I really felt alone and use less.
My feet could barely walk so I leaned against the blue lockers. I let myself fall to the ground. All my tears ran down my hot cheeks.
Why would he do this to me? But, he didn't know I love him.

I buried my head into my hands and sobbed. Nothing around me was important anymore.
Someone was walking by me. I heard their footsteps get closer.

"Go away," I blurted.

I didn't want anyone to bother me right now. My whole world has crashed.

"Hey, wha's wrong?" I heard Lucas ask.

I looked up and could barely see from all the tears that are running down my face. He stood there, looking blindly at me. The music in the gym got louder and I couldn't see Caron anywhere.
I stood up and wiped my tears with my arm.

"What's wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

He nodded, stepping closer to me.

"You are an idiot Lucas, how could you make out with Caron?" I yelled.

"Why is it bad?" He asked calmly.

"If you guys were planning on being together you could at least tell me!"

I paced back and forth from the locker to him. He didn't seem to notice any problems, the idiot.
That's when I looked up at him and some flashback’s came to me. He looked at me like that only one time; when we were in seventh grade we had this huge fight because he butted into my relationship with Jacob. Jacob was my boyfriend then and I just loved him. Lucas kept on telling me that I was crazy and dating at that time was just too young. That look was disappointment and fear. It had been shown to me only once. But it happened again.

"Okay, you are right. We should have told you," he sighed.

"You think?" I whispered.

My whole body was shaking from the stress. I felt sweat trickling down my neck. He was rubbing his hands together.

"Why are you crying though? You wouldn't be crying for just this little thing, right?" he started to sound a little anxious.

"Of course I would! You are my best friends and you just go around making out in closets!" I yelled.

He came up closer to me and I stepped back looking at him cautiously.
Someone ran out of the gym and passed by us. We looked away from each other and stopped talking.

"Hey Taylor, is everything okay here?" Fran said.

She goes with me to History every day. Fran never stops talking and cares about everyone and everything.

"Yup, just perfect." I lied through my very own teeth.

Her black curls were bouncing as she came to a halt.

"Okey-Dokie!" she ran off down the hall in her purple heels.

There were click noises running down the hall as she went away.
Last edited by Nike on Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:08 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Heya, Nike :)

I'm not going to include any nit-picks because, to be honest, I didn't find many errors. I noticed that your dialogue punctuation wasn't too perfect, but it was only a minor issue. What I noticed was that you put a period at the end of every piece of dialogue punctuation, and you don't always have to use a period. Comma's are usable as well, remember. The only other little error was that you spelt double wrong. You spelt it like doble, so make sure you edit that!

As a whole, I liked the general idea of this. I didn't expect for your MC to find her friend making out with the guy she liked at the end. I have a bit of a thing for prom night stories, so that might have made me like this even more. Although I found some little grammatical issues, overall your grammar was very good. Also, forgetting about the one spelling mistake, I didn't find any in this piece.

My main critique for you is that you have a tendency to skip descriptions a bit. The story's got a bit of a he did this, he did that, she did this, she did that feel to it. What I've noticed with your short stories is that they are, in fact, very short. I'd like for you to lengthen them, fitting in plenty of wonderful descriptions. In this story, the beginning would have been a good place. I didn't really like the way you started this all that much because it more or less started off with you telling us that your MC loved Lucas.

Give us a description of why she likes Lucas. Tell us how she met him, how long they'd known each other, how long she'd loved him. You could even throw in a little memory that your MC has of her and Lucas. I'd also like to see you really making the end dramatic as well. When she found Lucas and Caron in the janitor's closet, it was really good, and I felt that you could have really ended the story really epically.

I think that if you give this a little polish up, it could potentially be very good. You've got a really great general idea, and your grammar is good. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers say with a pinch of salt, and edit this up a bit. I can easily see this being a great short story!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins. :D
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey, I was looking through the romance stories and this one caught my attention. I'm not so good at reviewing, but stay with me alright? Lol.


Nike wrote:I chewed on my favorite polar ice gum as everyone round me danced. The music pounded. I was waiting for my best friend, Caron, to come. She was flirting with the love of her life: Daniel. As I waited I spotted my other best friend, we were friends since we were two. All I did then is stare at him. I couldn't help but notice that he was dressed so perfectly. But it wasn't for me. It was for his date Houlka. She's a foreign student from Russia. He always said that he had something for foreign girls but I was Polish and he didn't even take a second glance at me. I was in love with him. Ever since we stepped into middle school I found him cuter and cuter every day. His blue eyes made me melt like chocolate on a hot biscuit.
He was talking to some of his friends. It was prom night. The red, blue and white balloons flew in the air as Katy Perry pumped up the dance floor with her music.

"Hey!" Caron yelled into my ear.

My elbow slipped off the table and I almost hit my head against it. I turned around and glared at Caron.

"You could come up and say 'hey' more quietly so I wouldn't crack my head open!" I said angrily.

"Well, you didn't." she said.

I rolled my eyes and looked down at my silver heels. Oh, I bought them when I got my first pay check. I started my job at Marshall's on Monday. Today was why I bought them. It. Was. Prom. They matched my red dress perfectly! It was a sleeveless sort flowing dress. It reminded me of the time when me and Caron played celebrity dress-up for my thirteenth birthday.

I clicked my heels on the floor and stood up from the uncomfortable metal pink chair.

"Where are you going?" Caron recalled.

"To the bathroom," I replied.

My purse hit against my hip as I walked through the crowd. They were dancing to pop music and were not making any room so I could walk through. So I decided to push them away with all my might and I made my way to the double doors. I pushed them open. The quietness of the hallway made me feel relief.
The doors closed as I walked to the bathroom. All the music faded as I walked farther away.

I heard something coming form the janitor's closet. My heels stopped clicking against the tiled floors.
It got louder as I got closer. It was some kind of groaning sound. My stomach flipped from fear as I slammed the door open.
The people that I caught stared at me with wild eyes. No, it couldn't be. I mean I just left her in the gym. Caron was making out with someone in the janitor's closet. But I just left her!
I couldn't see the guy 'cause it was dark. My heart started to best faster.

Her red hair was crazy --pointing in many directions.

"Caron!" I freaked out.

She slightly smiled and put her hand on her hip.
The guy came up closer and I saw who it was. My heart sank. Everything in me froze. I couldn't believe it. The dimmed light showed my best friend: Lucas.
I felt my jaw fall open. It was like I couldn't control anything in my body. Things happened to my surprise.

"How could you?" I yelled with tears coming out.

I seriously couldn't control myself! All the emotions came out of the blue.

"Lucas! How could you just make out with Caron?" I yelled.

Lucas had a shocked face. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Caron?" I sobbed.

She looked down at the ground tapping her foot.
I could barely see from the tears that were blurring my vision.

"I can't believe it,"

I ran away, tearing up. My heart was beating really fast and almost jumped out of my chest. Everything hurt inside of me. I couldn't see, think, feel, smell, or even taste anything but my salty tears, thoughts of anger and sadness, the loss of love. I really felt alone and us less.
My feet could barely walk anymore so I leaned against the blue lockers. I let myself fall to the ground. All my tears ran down my hot cheeks.
Why would he do this to me? But, he doesn't know I love him.

I buried my head into my hands and sobbed. Nothing around me was important anymore.
Someone was walking by me. I heard their footsteps get closer.

"Go away," I blurted.

I didn't want anyone to bother me right now. My whole world has crashed.

"Hey, wha's wrong?" I heard Lucas ask.

I looked up and could barely see from all the tears that are running down my face. He stood there, looking blindly at me. The music in the gym got louder and I couldn't see Caron anywhere.
I stood up and wiped my tears with my arm.

"What's wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

He nodded, stepping closer to me.

"You are an idiot Lucas, how could you make out with Caron?" I yelled.

"Why is it bad?" He asked calmly.

"If you guys were planning on being together you could at least tell me!"

I paced back and forth from the locker to him. He didn't seem to notice any problems, boys.
That's when I looked up at him and some flashback’s came to me. He looked at me like that only one time; when we were in seventh grade we had this huge fight because he butted into my relationship with Jacob. Jacob was my boyfriend then and I just loved him. Lucas kept on telling me that I was crazy and dating at that time was just too young. That look was disappointment and fear. It was shown to me only once. But it happened again.

"Okay, you are right. We should have told you," he sighed.

"You think?" I whispered.

My whole body was shaking from the stress. I felt sweat trickling down my neck. He was rubbing his hands together.

"Why are you crying though? You wouldn't be crying for just this little thing, right?" he started to sound a little stressed.

"Of course I would! You are my best friends and you just go around making out in closets!" I yelled.

He came up closer to me and I stepped back looking at him cautiously.
Someone ran out of the gym and passed by us. We looked away from each other and stopped talking.

"Hey Taylor, is everything okay here?" Fran said.

She goes with me to History every day. Fran never stops talking and cares about everyone and everything.

"Yup, just perfect." I lied through my very own teeth.

Her black curls were bouncing as she came to a halt.

"Okey-Dokie!" she ran off down the hall in her purple heels.

There were click noises running down the hall as she went away.


The only thing i really see wrong with this piece, (besides making me cry haha) was some punctuation at the beginning. Other than that, I thought that the story was very good. It made me really emotional at the end, and if thats what you were aiming for, Good Job! :D

Well, I hope that you keep writing!!

-- Jalmoc
If you don't take a chance, you'll always live your life in regret, so let your heart show it's true colors and admit your feelings!

Tis not the blade that took your life, but the Assassin behind it.

When Reality has all but fallen away, recreate your own world




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1924
Reviews 366
HI! I'm pointe and I'll be reviewing you today!
just a few things first
~when something is bolded look for a red comment some where.
~Blue means addition to the story
~Strike out means delete (duh)
~green means awesome!
~purple means ick :) is the most nicest possible way of course :)
SO LET'S GET STARTED!


I chewed on my favorite polar ice gum as everyone round me danced.good intro! The music pounded. I was waiting for my best friend, Caron,to cometo join me. She was flirting with the love of her life: Daniel.what?? this sentence confuses me :) As I waited I spotted my other best friend, we were friends since we were two.this is random and weirdly worded. I'm not sure werther you should delete it or re-do so it's up to you All I did then is stare at him. I couldn't help but notice that he was dressed so perfectly. But it wasn't for me. It was for his date Houlka. She's a foreign student from Russia. He always said that he had something for foreign girls, but I was Polish and he didn't even take a second glance at me. I was in love with him. Ever since we stepped into middle school I found him cuter and cuter every day. His blue eyes made me melt like chocolate on a hot biscuit.

He was talking to some of his friends. It was prom night. The red, blue and white balloons flew in the air as Katy Perry pumped up the dance floor with her music.

"Hey!" Caron yelled into my ear.

My elbow slipped off the table and I almost hit my head against it. I turned around and glared at Caron.

"You could come up and say 'hey' more quietly so I wouldn't crack my head open!" I said angrily.

"Well, you didn't." she said.

I rolled my eyes and looked down at my silver heels. Oh, I bought them when I got my first pay check. I started my job at Marshall's on Monday. Today was why I bought them. It. Was. Prom. They matched my red dress perfectly! It was a sleeveless sort flowing dress. It reminded me of the time when me and Caron played celebrity dress-up for my thirteenth birthday.
ok this whole thing is just wierd. it went from: [quote]"Well, you didn't." she said. /quote]to talking about her shoes. weird.....
I clicked my heels on the floor and stood up from the uncomfortable metal pink chair.

"Where are you going?" Caron recalled.

"To the bathroom," I replied.

My purse hit against my hip as I walked through the crowd. They were dancing to pop music and were not making any room so I could walk through. So I decided to push them away with all my might and I made as I made my way to the double doors. I pushed them open. The quietness of the hallway made me feel relief.

The doors closed as I walked to the bathroom. All the music faded as I walked farther away.

I heard something coming form the janitor's closet. My heels stopped clicking against the tiled floors.

It got louder as I got closer. It was some kind of groaning sound. My stomach flipped from fear as I slammed the door open.
slammed? how can you slam a door open?
The people that I caught stared at me with wild eyes. No, it couldn't be. I mean I just left her in the gym. Caron was making out with someone in the janitor's closet. But I just left her!
what??????? Ethier I'm sleepy or this is just weird
I couldn't see the guy 'cause it was dark. My heart started to best faster.

Her red hair was crazy --pointing in many directions.

"Caron!" I freaked out.

She slightly smiled and put her hand on her hip.

The guy came up closer and I saw who it was. My heart sank. Everything in me froze. I couldn't believe it. The dimmed light showed my best friend: Lucas.

I felt my jaw fall open. It was like I couldn't control anything in my body. Things happened to my surprise.

"How could you?" I yelled with tears coming out.

I seriously couldn't control myself! All the emotions came out of the blue.re-word it!

"Lucas! How could you just make out with Caron?" I yelled.

Lucas had a shocked face. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Caron?" I sobbed.

She looked down at the ground tapping her foot.

I could barely see from the tears that were blurring my vision.

"I can't believe it," "I can't believe it.

I ran away, tearing up. My heart was beating really fast and almost jumped out of my chest. Everything hurt inside of me. I couldn't see, think, feel, smell, or even taste anything but my salty tears, thoughts of anger and sadness, the loss of love. I really felt alone and us less.
what is us less?
My feet could barely walk anymore so I leaned against the blue lockers. I let myself fall to the ground. All my tears ran down my hot cheeks.

Why would he do this to me? But, he doesn'tdidn't know I love him.

I buried my head into my hands and sobbed. Nothing around me was important anymore.

Someone was walking by me. I heard their footsteps get closer.

"Go away," I blurted.

I didn't want anyone to bother me right now. My whole world has crashed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I heard Lucas ask.

I looked up and could barely see from all the tears that are running down my face. He stood there, looking blindly at me. The music in the gym got louder and I couldn't see Caron anywhere.

I stood up and wiped my tears with my arm.

"What's wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

He nodded, stepping closer to me.

"You are an idiot Lucas, how could you make out with Caron?" I yelled.

"Why is it bad?" He asked calmly.

"If you guys were planning on being together you could at least tell me!"

I paced back and forth from the locker to him. He didn't seem to notice any problems, boys. the idiot

That's when I looked up at him and some flashback’s came to me. He looked at me like that only one time; when we were in seventh grade we had this huge fight because he butted into my relationship with Jacob. Jacob was my boyfriend then and I just loved him. Lucas kept on telling me that I was crazy and dating at that time was just too young. That look was disappointment and fear. It was shown to me only onceit had be shown to me only once. But it happened again.

"Okay, you are right. We should have told you," he sighed.

"You think?" I whispered.

My whole body was shaking from the stress. I felt sweat trickling down my neck. He was rubbing his hands together.

"Why are you crying though? You wouldn't be crying for just this little thing, right?" he started to sound a little stressed.
saying one word over and over again so close is going to make people bored try he started to sound a little anxious
"Of course I would! You are my best friends and you just go around making out in closets!" I yelled.

He came up closer to me and I stepped back looking at him cautiously.

Someone ran out of the gym and passed by us. We looked away from each other and stopped talking.

"Hey Taylor, is everything okay here?" Fran said.

She goes with me to History every day. Fran never stops talking and cares about everyone and everything.

"Yup, just perfect." I lied through my very own teeth.

Her black curls were bouncing as she came to a halt.

"Okey-Dokie!" she ran off down the hall in her purple heels.

There were click noises running down the hall as she went away.
overall I give this story a :) which really means: 6 out of 10. (good but could be better!) Hope I wasn't to harsh :) bye!
~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame



Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.
— Dr. Amelia Brand, Interstellar