Codebreaker

I am 8 years old. Here is the first part of my new story which I wrote all by myself.

Codebreaker

1 – The Daughter of the Magician

Olly blinked. She’d just seen the magician’s daughter do a magic trick: make a blank picture of a bunny colour itself in. She walked over, accidentally dropping her IPHONE as she went. Hayley, Becky and Lara were crowded round the girl, clapping at every new trick. Olly stood next to Hayley who didn’t seem to notice her. “Show dismissed!” said the daughter of the magician. “Oh, please carry on!” whined Becky, a friend of Olly’s even though she whined a lot. “Please!” whinged Lara another friend of Olly’s who always copied the whinging. “OK, looks like she wants to stop; a magician can’t go on forever!” said Hayley, Olly’s best friend who always tried to put an end to the whinging twins; Lara and Becky weren’t twins but people just called them that.

Olly clapped along with Hayley, Becky and Lara. “See you Olly!” said Hayley, bounding off trying to catch her little sister Francine who was playing with her friend Jesse. Becky and Lara stuck their tongues out at the magician’s daughter and walked off, to their den where they shared ice creams and sweets. Olly decided to spend some time with the magician’s daughter to get to know her. The daughter was starting to walk off but Olly stopped her just in time. “Hey!” shouted Olly and the girl turned round and walked closer. “I thought your magic tricks were brilliant!” said Olly, trying to change the sulky expression on the girl’s face. It didn’t seem to work. “Your grey jeans are disgusting! Hayley had better ones and so did the whinging twins. You know this lovely glittery blue dress that I’m wearing, buy it from Girlz Rule. So, what is your name, cupcakes?” asked the girl. “Olly,” said Olly, curtseying, after all, this girl was important.

“Yeah, curtseying is off the planet. Seeing as I know you’re going to ask what my name is, it’s Ellie! I grew up with magic in New Zealand, and I’m going to Wellington tomorrow. So bye, bye pussycat. I’ll be back the day after tomorrow!

Hello, Charlotte1, I'm Pernicious and I'll happily give you a review.

First of all; I'm impressed! For an eight year old to write such a fabulous story - I assure you I couldn't write anything of the sort when I was your age

Second of all, so it's easier for you to understand, things I have added in will be in green, sentences with fragments, also ones I usually comment about beneath the quote box, will be in red, highlights of the story will be in blue and unnecessary words, letters and punctuation will be crossed out.

Olly blinked. She’d just seen the magician’s daughter do a magic trick: make a blank picture of a bunny *I think rabbit might be better here, but that is my personal opinion, it doesn't vary the story that much. colour itself in. *A very creative magic trick! She walked over, accidentally dropping her IPHONE *What's with the capitals? If anything italics could be used, but I don't think they're necessary. as she went. Hayley, Becky and Lara were crowded around the girl, clapping at every new trick. Olly stood next to Hayley who didn’t seem to notice her. “Show dismissed!” said the daughter of the magician. “Oh, please carry on!” whined Becky, a friend of Olly’s even though she whined *Avoid repeating the word whined. a lot. “Please!” whinged Lara another friend of Olly’s who always copied the whinging. “OK, looks like she wants to stop; a magician can’t go on forever!” said Hayley, Olly’s best friend who always tried to put an end to the whinging twins; Lara and Becky weren’t twins but people just called them that. *The reader can figure this out already; no need to mention it Or if you want just put '...an end to the whinging duo'.

Olly clapped along with Hayley, Becky and Lara. “See you Olly!” said Hayley, bounding off trying to to try and catch her little sister, Francine, who was playing with her friend Jesse. Becky and Lara stuck their tongues out at the magician’s daughter *Any reason why? This just confused my slightly as to why they had such a sudden change of heart about the girl. and walked off, to their den where they shared ice creams and sweets. Olly decided to spend some time with the magician’s daughter to get to know her. The daughter was starting to walk off but Olly stopped her just in time. “Hey!” shouted Olly and the girl turned round and walked closer. “I thought your magic tricks were brilliant!” said Olly, trying to change the sulky expression *Good description, but why is she sad? on the girl’s face. It didn’t seem to work. “Your grey jeans are disgusting! Hayley had better ones and so did the whinging twins. You know this lovely glittery blue dress that I’m wearing, buy it from Girlz Rule. So, what is your name, cupcakes?” asked the girl. “Olly,” said Olly, curtseying, after all, this girl was important.

I'll stop here since there's not much to point out. Overall, I'm sincerely impressed. I think this might need to be split into a few more paragraphs, but other than that minor, nit-picky flaw, this was quite a good piece of work. I really hope to see more from you, because for an eight year old, you are seriously talented!

Hope this review helped

-Pernicious.

Woo! Review time =w=

First off, woah... you're only 8 years old? My goodness, when I was eight, I was barely learning English!! >_<
Actually I did know some English, it's just that I wasn't able to write good English and I can say I'm not very good at English still so I won't nit pick about grammar.

IPHONE

You don't have to CAPITALIZE it all. Besides, is it iPhone? LoL xD

“Show dismissed!” said the daughter of the magician. “Oh, please carry on!” whined Becky, a friend of Olly’s even though she whined a lot. “Please!” whinged Lara another friend of Olly’s who always copied the whinging [ whining ]. “OK, looks like she wants to stop; a magician can’t go on forever!” said Hayley, Olly’s best friend who always tried to put an end to the whinging [ whining ] twins; Lara and Becky weren’t twins but people just called them that.

It's best if you start a new paragraph when you make the characters talk. Ex.

"Show dismiss!” said the daughter of the magician.
“Oh, please carry on!” whined Becky, a friend of Olly’s even though she whined a lot.
“Please!” whined Lara another friend of Olly’s who always copied the whinging.

Though it made be just me really. The only reason why I would do what you do is because I have to on the essay. You're fine to do what your doing.
By the way, you seem to misspell whining with whinging for some reason O.o

Overall: It was entertaining though it is confusing.
I can't really say anything else since it's so short!! >o<
I do like it and if you post another chapter/story, feel free to ask me :]

I can't believe you write so well for an 8 year old. Do try to put speech on a new line when a new person speaks.