Why? Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve it? All I ever did was love you. You were all I wanted. I thought you felt the same. That's what you told me... Was I your toy? Is that all I am to you? Was I a toy that you ceased to love as soon as I ceased amusing you? Love... did you ever love me? I loved you. You meant everything to me. I did everything for you. I lived for you.
You... You were more in love with love itself. You stopped loving me and now go on to love another... Me... I think I may never love again. The fear of being hurt like this again is too great. It overpowers me. It chokes me. How can I stop this pain? How does one heal a broken heart? Alas, it is not within the grip of men to do such a thing. Only time can heal these wounds, for time heals all... If you had ever loved me, you would not have hurt me like this. Never... A knife in the back hurts doubly as much when it comes from the hand of a lover. I trusted you. I told you everything, even when I knew I shouldn't. You returned this with lies. You withheld things from me and swore that you had told me everything, and I was foolish enough to believe you... I was a great fool. I refused to listen to people older and wiser than myself, and I refused to acknowledge the consequences. By my foolishness I handed you a sword, and you ran me through. I gave you my heart, and you broke it into a thousand pieces.
I miss you... I want you... I need you... I love you... I hate you.
How could you do this to me? Is it what I deserve? Is this the reward of my love and trust? Is this what you wanted? "Never," you say, "Never this..." You begged with tears streaming down your beautiful face (and yet it was unmarred), and touched my bleeding heart. I was willing to try again. I was ready to let you mend my broken heart. I should have known. I fell for your tears, I believed your lies of love. Perhaps you loved me... once. Then he came along. I knew he loved you. I think you knew it too, though perhaps you really were just too arrogant to believe me. I see through your excuses. I see through your lies. You left me for him, didn't you? How fast love can turn to hate, once the seeds are sown. I suppose, though, that he is better for you than I was... Maybe it really is all my fault... What did I do wrong? Many, many things... things innumerable, even. Maybe I do deserve this...
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They tell me that it happens to the best of us, and not to worry, and that I'll survive. I force myself to smile and agree... In truth, I would not mind never seeing another sunrise. How can I find the strength to stand without you, anyway? Nevertheless, I will not end my own life (for fear of never seeing my Lord's glorious face), but should Death greet me when I close my eyes to sleep tonight, I would gladly go with him, and forever slumber until the Lord return.
Another thing they tell me is that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. This is fools' talk to me, for now I will be in constant fear of losing again. I would much rather my heart remained in one piece. This pain... it angers me. I feel sick, confused, jealous, helpless, sad, betrayed, and destroyed, all at once. It feels as if I were overflowing, and I must capture the excess with pen and paper. I fear of losing my sanity. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot live without you... Every smile is forced, and every laugh is faked. I miss you, but I wish never to see your face again. I want you... but you disgust me. I need you... but I cannot stand your sight. I love you... but I hate you. I am a contradiction to myself; a walking paradox. I still feel your touch, the softness of your lips, the smell of your hair... and it makes me cringe. What adds the salt to these wounds is knowing that all this will soon be familiar to another. Yes, I am jealous, but I no longer want you back. I could never take you back now, not after what you've done. We could have been friends. How can that be now? You've ruined what could have been, and most likely would have been, a great friendship.
I feel like I should hold on, like I should still try, but I never want to speak to you again. I want you to comfort me, but your words are like poison. I never want to see you again. I wish I could just forget all about you, but I can't... I never will. You say you'll never forget me, either (though I find that hard to believe). I wish that to be true. You deserve to be forever cursed by the guilt of what you've done to me. I want you to be as miserable as I am, and when I rise above this, look back and what you had and be sorry you ever gave that up. Now I have been betrayed thrice... Once by my father, once by myself, and once by my love. No, I can love you no longer. It makes me noxious. You asked me what I wanted of you. Here is my final desire: kindly give me back my heart; in one piece, if at all possible.
-------------------------
This is exactly my usual work, but...
This was an extremely emotional time for me. :/ if you didn't notice. Go ahead and peruse at your leisure.
