Poison

My mouth fell
Did those words just leave his lips?
A man with such beauty
Such pride
Swallow substances to stay alive

Will Bright eyes once filled with hope,
Stay glazed now forever?
As his head floods with clouds of white
He screams of terrors and nightmares through the night.

Will he not hold me without shaking?
As that poison takes control of him
His fist clenches as rage sweeps over his peaceful face
I have lost him now forever
The man I once loved,
Is nothing more then a puppet to such evil?

Oh then hold me dear love one last time
Before all memory of me has been swept away
And care not for such tragedy
For the light of day I pray

itsjustemilie wrote:My mouth fell.
Did those words just leave his lips?In the next line I would put what had been said and make it dramatic so the reader goes whoa
A man with such beauty,
Such pride,
Swallow substances to stay alive .

Will Bright eyes once filled with hope,
Stay glazed now forever?
As his head floods with clouds of whiteThis line is very effective imagery so well done for that
He screams of terrors and nightmares through the night. The wording in this line feels off. Personally I would change it to his screams of terrors and nightmares through the night,and then add another sentence just to make it that bit more dramtic.

Will he not hold me without shaking?
As that poison takes control of him,
His fist clenches as rage sweeps over his peaceful face
I have lost him now forever.
The man I once loved,
Is nothing more then a puppet to such evil? Right this stanza was good but it just feels like a filler. It needs more emotion or more imagery to furfill it's purpose. His fists clench as rage sweeps over his peaceful face, the add a line of emotion.

Oh thendon't need it there and it throws off the flow hold me dear love one last timePersonally I would put a period here but it will work fine if not.
Before all memory of me has been swept away
And care not for such tragedy
For the light of day I prayThis ending is honestly a let down. I am sorry to say. It feels like you couldn't think of anything else so you put this and hoped for the best. JUST THE LAST LINE. Please change it. Something like and care not for such tragedy, you create your memory loss from liquid poison, and I just sit here and watch. You'll forget the good times, and the bad, but I won't forget. Ever. Okay I know that's not perfect but you need more emotion in this last stanza to end it otherwise it is just redundant.

Summary time!
I liked it . . .ish. My problem was when there was emotion it was really good, but in certain parts there needed to be some and there wasn't any.I think my biggest peeve was the last stanza. As a concept I quite liked it and I think you were right to do it as a poem rather than prose. I rate everything out of ten for the author so they get an idea of what I think. This is about 5/10. I know that doesn't seem like a lot but it just shows what the emotion can do.

Hope this helps. PM me for anything and I will explain or elaborate or anything!
Thanks for asking me

~Retro Disco666

Hey
I like this poem and the amount of emotion that is shown. However, there are some bits that didn't show any which confuses me about how I'm supposed to react...but the parts that DID have the emotions behind it was excellent.

Hey,
Thanks for the request.
There were a couple things I want you to show in this poem to make it more powerful: images and lots of description. I like the idea of your emotion, but there were parts of the poem that really conveyed it, and others that didn't. I think your first reviewer shares alot of my same viewpoints on your poem, so I won't be redundant.

This review is really short, so if you need another feel free to let me know.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

i like this poem it shows alot of emotion