Ache

Ooo, we even getz a picture a long with it.

I don't know, but I felt like I really got into this. First off, the picture reminded me of something, and then the title reminded me of that same something, and also something else, and I was completely overwhelmed by all these little memories I had when I started reading it. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, that's for sure. (Sorry if that little first part confused you.) I'm like, typing super fast right now and not even taking the time to go back and read what I've written, I almost typed read there, lol, but that wouldn't make any sense.

Anyway, it was a little slow getting into it. The first stanza... I don't know, but more towards the middle it really drew me in a lot. Can't explain why. The ending got a little wavy and off and I was kind of thrown off momentarily, but I think it works. And overall I think you did a fairly good job with the poem.

I don't think what you wrote about was what I was thinking about while reading this, because it's off, for sure. Sounds like some personal part of you, or your life, or something. But anyway, I liked it. I especially liked the lines:

A vast stretch of uncultivated land,
That made one wonder if something
Could really be so barren as the soil
Of that field. But I could understand
Its pain. It was a representation
Of my aching clotted heart.

I think imagery is a fairly large and important part to poetry, and I thought this was lovely in the description of the land and relating it to yourself.

These whirlpools now confuse me,
Pull me down into them -
Into darkness, complete darkness.
Ah, a ray of hope!

This was another favorite part of mine, and although it's a bit random from where I thought the piece would be heading to, I still liked it.

The only thing I'm really not clear about is really specifically what the piece is about. I understand the intentional (or was it not intentional) vagueness of the poem, but I feel it was too vague that I couldn't even come up with a solid topic or opinion of my own. I think you were just all over the place in some places, lol, and so that threw me off a bit. And maybe that's just me. Yet I think if you tried being more detailed or focused, and maybe you were, then it would increase the poem's quality. Not that it isn't already good.

So yeah, that's just my input.

Other than the small critiques, I liked it. I usually don't like to comment on poems that I don't think are interesting or good.

The view had nothing - just
A vast stretch of uncultivated land,
That made one wonder if something
Could really be so barren as the soil
Of that field. But I could understand
Its pain. It was a representation
Of my aching clotted heart.

You're probably wondering why I'm quoting this chunk of the first stanza. There are several reasons.

The first is that it is contradictory. You say the view has nothing, but then you go on to describe what it does have. This makes no logical sense.

The second is the idea-jumping. You're talking about the view through the window, then suddenly it's somehow feeling pain and is related to the state of the narrator's heart. That makes no sense. How does a barren landscape feel pain? Why/how is it a representation of the narrator's heart? Elaborate. Show the connections. Use an idea outline if you need to to keep track of all the ideas in the poem.

There is a third issue, and it concerns your imagery. Right now, you have almost none. Imagery is the descriptive part of a poem, and it is often the strongest point of interest and uniqueness in a poem. What little description you have relies upon common descriptive words that have non-specific meanings and common-to-being-cliche turns of phrase such as aching hearts and barren soil. In short, this poem lacks interest or uniqueness.

I suggest you go back through and see if you can describe things differently. Don't use the first phrase that comes to mind; odds are, the reason it comes to mind first is because you've heard it so often before. Instead, try and think of the subject in a way you've never heard it described before but that makes perfect sense to you, and then write so that your readers, upon reading your poem, will go, "Wow. I never thought of it that way before, but it makes perfect sense."

The three issues mentioned above affect your entire poem, so I suggest you try and fix them.

Hey Sparkler, Stella here!

I was staring outside the window.
I know I heard you call. They know they heard the person calling? Or they plain hear them?
I kept staring out of the window.
The view had nothing - just
A vast stretch of uncultivated land, I'm sure you can come up with something better than uncultivated
That made one wonder if something
Could really be so barren as the soil
Of that field. which field? But I could understand
Its pain. It was a representation
Of my aching clotted heart. Clotted? Like, blood clots? They're having a heart attack? Because that probably would ache.

As if I would turn back to look at you. What was as if?
As if I would respond to your call.
Your voice was everything to me.
Once the sweetest music I could hear,
The most magical sound I knew,
That could stir my blood to create I don't think the "to" is necessary.
Whirlpools in it. It still creates
Those whirlpools. But not with
The same pleasure, that intense
Pleasure I wanted to feel again.

These whirlpools now confuse me, Those whirlpools, these whirlpools...
Pull me down into them -
Into darkness, complete darkness.
Ah, a ray of hope! I plunge I don't like the "Ah" here.
To attack it, in all my despair
And helplessness… and it slips away.
My mind floats away again.
Back to those thoughts when I
Could look into your deep blue eyes
And wish I could love you forever.

Alright. What struck me here is that it's a little all over the place. You open with this view, and you almost get back to it in the second stanza, but then you seem to completely abandon the theme altogether and you're talking about whirlpools and darkness and deep blue eyes. Which is a little clichéed. You have some nice things to work with here, but as a whole I'm not getting much. Try not to hop from image to image so much, try and isolate exactly what you're trying to say. Because think about it, barren fields, whirlpools, darkness. Emptiness, turmoil and despair. They're all very dark and sad and boo-hoo-hoo-poor-you but they're also three very different emotions. Is it ache or a different sort of pain? Your message is unclear and I think you need to work on that.

Overall, it does need some work but there's a very strong base here and you make some interesting images

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x