Wings

....

I loved this. I loved Pete's character. You did a really good job of creating a realistic little kid.

My main issue was with the way in which Rachel told Pete what had happened. Wouldn't he already know? It's not necessary, and it is not realistic. The only reason it is there is to give the reader an idea of what has occurred. I forget what the word is for this - there is an actual literary word for when characters explain the situation out loud in an unrealistic fashion.
Here is the quote where you do this:

“It was my fault, you were at the crossing and I was in a rush, I didn’t see the car, I pushed through everyone to quickly get across and you fell, I…you’re mum’s right, I shouldn’t come here any more.”

I loved how he talked about the fly with the broken wings, when he is crippled? Am I correct? Anyway, it was all very beautiful.

There were a couple other grammatical errors as well.

“Pete, that’s gross. why would you say that?”

I imagined the sound in my head: ‘pop’ and it will never fly again.

But doesn't Pete go on to explain afterward how the fly would still be able to fly with its spare set of wings?

That's all I have to say. This was very good.
-Lena

Hi, thanks for reviewing. I was trying to make out that he just doesn't remember the actual accident, as far as he knows Rachel is just some woman that comes and listens to him sometimes. But maybe it is unnecessary.

Thanks again!

Oh wow, I really liked this
I loved how the character of Pete was talking about the fly. I loved the amout of imagry that is used and the way you structured this story

great job!

Hello there.

I was expecting him home an hour ago, his tea’s getting cold.

I think this is everything I could fine. Good job with the writing part, almost no mistakes!

This is a really interesting story. I really like how you've characterized Pete and how his speeches are kind of confused and out of nowhere, like kids normally talk. Wow, this was really beautifully written. I don't think I've got anything more to say. First I didn't know what the gift was and that you should mention it when he opens it, but then I realize that it goes with the story of his mom and his shoe laces. Don't change it, it compliments and gives us further details about the character.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hello, Lee. Pink here.

I find this piece quite interesting and deep. Sweet and bitter. In the beginning I wasn't quite sure where you were going with this but you were able to keep my attention even through the whole fly dialogue that Pete was talking about. There weren't any grammatical or punctuation errors that I found, so I'm glad I was able to take a breath of relief at that. Haha.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to add to this review, sorry this is more of comment. -__-
Anyway, I found the fly dialogue in the beginning a bit too much. I understood it but it was a bit difficult to read. By the way, was the present shoe laces or shoes? I don't think you mentioned what it was, just Pete talking about tying his shoe laces. Although, I think it was shoes...
At first, I didn't like how this was just all dialogue and no description or meat. But I actually think it's nice. Gives it a more vague, airy feeling that isn't bad, really. Overall, I did enjoy reading this. Good job.
Cheers,

~Shear

Thanks for the reviews! Yeah, the present is supposed to be shoes because he lost his in the accident. Which partly happened becuase of him not tying his shoelaces. I don't think it's very clear but you kind of get the picture.

I am a huge fan of abstract stuff, the subtleties and such. Loved the fact that all of this was dialougue! Pete is very realistic and I've found that creating children's voices that are at a child's level is really hard so props to you on that. I don't have a whole lot of time to do a full out review right now, but I can definitely come back and nit pick Really great stuff here!

For a moment there I thought the protagonist was a patient in a mental hospital, with the rambling about the fly and questions like 'how are they treating you here', but I was fooled by the cunning author.
I double-like the fly ruminations, because a) they are skilfull use of projections by the kid's mind and b) are something like an uverture which carries in itself the whole story in a compressed version.
Great job

As far as I'm concerned, this is really good, nearly perfect. I can't believe it's your first short fiction, because it flows very naturally. I also love how it's entirely dialogue, very modern. This could be a radio script rather than a story, did that occur to you? I think the little boy is fantastic, the way he goes on and on and on... at first I didn't realise it was a little kid at all, and I actually thought it was a person in a mental hospital, a mad person going on about a fly, but it's a kid's imagination which is really perceptive... he even gives the fly a name, talks about his mum... your story is comical on one hand, and also a bit of a tradgedy, it says a lot in only a few words. I can't really offer you advice, it's great.

Really nice...
You can really see that Pete is well characterized.
Good job. He speaks like a real human being. I know that sounds weird, but if you look at many of the books out there today, you can tell that the characters don't really talk like a normal human being does. I love it.

Hullo there!

This is a great idea. The introduction of characters was very well done, Pete as a character felt very real, and the backstory was masterfully hinted-at (the "hands--er hand" bit gave me chills). I'm really impressed that you did this just with dialogue. However, on a whole I feel it's either slightly lacking something or slightly overdoing something.

Pete is great, I get the sense that he is a smart and sensitive kid, but lonely and maybe a little misunderstood. I can relate to him, and I certainly know people like him (children who are used to being around people who have no patience for them). A few of the things he said were a little awkward (I'll get to that later) but mostly I thought everything having to do with him was very well done. Rachel, on the other hand was harder to grasp. Of course she was. She is an adult and her character (as, by all means, it should be!) is much more complicated than Pete's, and it can't be understood as completely as his can in as short a time. Also, she talks less, which means we "see" less of her. I'm fine with that, though. She's not the central character.

My main pet-peeve about the scene is... well, the scene part of it. By which I mean the "here and now" part of the story.The fact is, nothing really happens. That's not what I mind (I love abstract, plot-less flash fiction, really I do!). What I mind is that I feel like you are trying to make it seem like something is happening. You set up that conflict between Rachel wanting to visit Pete (and him wanting her to do so) and Pete's mother's wishes that Rachel not visit him. But that conflict felt sort of stuck in. I'm grossly oversimplifying, but it sort of rose out of nowhere, then was resolved away a little while later. I'm left loving the ideas behind the piece, but a little confused about the role of piece itself. Is the point of this piece to serve as a sort of window into the characters and history? Or is it all about this particular scene, and the characters and history are just set up to make it a better story?

If it's the former, I would like to see more of that. You could let the piece just be a conversation between the two characters. Take longer to hint at the accident and Rachel and Pete's relationship rather than explaining it quite so explicitly. On the surface it would be "just" a rather pleasant chat between a woman and a little boy. Reading between the lines, you'd get a partial understanding of the darker story lurking there.

If it's the latter, I would like to see more of that. Maybe have Rachel seem a bit more troubled through the whole scene, trying to tell Pete that this will be her last visit but being cut off several times, until she finally gets a chance. Then, I would like to see some more hesitation on her part some more I-really-want-to-give-in-but-I-probably-shouldn't. Then, Pete needs to make a really good argument in order to sway her.

Also, for the most part the dialogue is very believable and sounds realistic. But some parts just felt a little unnatural -- I found myself having a hard time imagining people actually saying that. Since this is all dialogue, it will be especially hard to remedy this, but it will also (in my opinion) be especially worth it. What I find helps with this is reading through it out-loud. It really helps me catch the stumbling-blocks and the stiff parts.


Well, you said to be brutal -- but I hope this wasn't too brutal! I really did like the piece, and all of my suggestions are just that: suggestions. Take them or leave them. It was a lot of fun to read and I think it has a lot of potential. Mostly I just think you might want to think about how the piece plays out on a whole.

Please let me know if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps!
a

Hi, no that's not too brutal, i agree with the points that you've made. I think i'll try and flesh it out a bit and see how that goes. Thanks

PaperCrane wrote: I actually thought it was a person in a mental hospital, a mad person going on about a fly...

I almost had that feeling, as if something were wrong - something is wrong with the child and he is completely aware of it - as if someone were to ask for advice for a friend.

I sense a lot of anxiety in his rushed words, talking over his visitor, and especially when he abruptly states that his mother would prefer them not to see each other.

Brilliant.

Kay, I'm sorry now, cause I'm gonna gush.

I loved this piece- it was simple, there wasn't much going on, but it was powerful and very complete. The backstory was developed really well and you never info-dumped. The end had a nice resolute tone to it, but didn't make it too cliche. It just felt... genuine and almost sweet, even though it was a terrible situation. So, I really have nothing more to say. This was an excellent piece, and I'm definitely going to be following your work from now on. Great job.

-Coral-