Memory of you

Memory Of You
By Lord SvaTantra



I remember the days we were together,
our beautiful bond was to last forever,
or so we thought, but that was not to be.

We don't talk anymore, I don't even look at you.
My rose of love has transformed into thorns,
the pleasant memories we shared have now turned painful.

Sometimes we gaze into each other's lives
through panoramic, tainted windows.
But when our eyes meet I pull the curtains
to hide your face and my pain.

We shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments,
but now we bear our pain alone.

I have started my life anew, without you.
I know you want my friendship back,
but frankly speaking, I don't care.

You were just a crucial chapter in my lifestory;
And although it's all over, you will always be
something that I will cherish
until the memories of my life fade away.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was a poem written in haste in my English class. I had just got the first few lines in my head in the morning when I had woken up for school. This poem is pretty much not written in my usual style. I never write a poem without rhyme or rhythm. Editing has been kept minimal and it's pretty much raw.
I would really like to know your thoughts about this piece. If you're feeling too lazy even a 'good' or 'bad' would suffice but please do comment.

This is a really amazing poem. I like how you said "My rose of love has transformed into thorns,the pleasant memories we shared have now turned painful."

I really liked this poem. Like you said, it is pretty raw, but in a way that's good, it's just bare emotion. However a bit of fine tuning may improve it. I particularly liked the third stanza, the imagery was very clever and visual.
In the last stanza where it says "And although it's all over, but you will always be something that I will cherish" it doesn't really make sense, it would be better without the "but".
Overall I think it's a really nice poem

i really liked this poem, especially the part about ' we shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments, but now we bear our pain alone' I like how raw it is and don't think it needs to be fine tuned.

Hey, Spike! Jashy here as requested. But just so you know, I read your poem this morning but didn't have any time to review it yet. But now, I'm here. =)) Since you said it's still not edited much, I'm just going to comment on the poem itself. =))

Frankly, as you've hoped, I enjoyed this! Yes, it is raw--but still good. =)) I liked the part where you said that your love has transformed into thorns. =)) Nice line. Oh, I really don't have any nitpicks. So--yeah, thanks for the request. LOL And thanks for the good read. XD


~~ Jash ♥

Hey there, Spike

I'm here to review as requested. I'm suckish at reviewing poetry, so this review might not be a very good one... If so, I do apologise. The fact that you've already got some nice reviews doesn't help much either! I'm not going to mention any nit-picks because I can't really find any in here... xD

We shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments,
but now we bare our pain alone.

Oh! I found a nit-pick! You used bear, not bare...
Bear: The big, furry animal
Bare: I couldn't bare to look at them together.


Overall

I thought that this was quite a sweet little poem, if I may say so myself. I think that you did a nice job of showing and not telling, so I applaud you for that. That's something that I always seem to look out for in poems; I like to make sure that I'm not being told what the voice of the poem's feelings are, but being showed. You seem to have done a good job of that, so well done. Like many others, and yourself has said, this was a raw poem. Mind you, if you've edited it since posting though, it's not really a raw poem anymore. Anyway, I like raw poems because the emotions feel more real. I will admit that I did see the odd grammatical errors dotted here and there, but there was nothing worth hassling over, if I'm honest. Except for the bare thing because I doubt you want a big, furry animal in your love poem.

My only real critique for you has to do with the content of the poem. What I'd like to see in this is the story behind it. I get the impression that this is about a couple breaking up, but why? Why did they break up? Also, I'd like to know things like how they met. Did they fall in love? Did they not fall in love? Was it a first love? What I'm kind of saying is that I don't just want to hear about how the voice of your poem misses his ex-lover. I'd like for you to expand it a bit because if you put it simply, this poem is about only one thing: A guy thinking about his ex-lover. You mention sacred moments, but I'd like for you to show some of those sacred moments. I'd also like to see some varied emotions, maybe? I can tell that he's sorrowful, but is he angry as well? Jealous? Frustrated? Maybe he even has an ounce of happiness? I'm kind of asking you to take this a step further. You've got your flower bud, and now all that you need is for it to bloom with a little help from yourself.

The only other negative thing I have to say is a little grammatical thingy. I wasn't sure whether this was supposed to be in first, second, or third person. What I noticed was you sometimes called the woman in your poem she, and sometimes used you. You also used we a lot. That's something you should clear up. As a whole though, this was a really nice poem. With a bit of polishing, it could be an ever better piece of writing!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

spike71294 wrote:Memory Of You
By Lord SvaTantra



I remember the days we were together,
our beautiful bond was to last forever,
or so we thought, but that was not to be.

We don't talk anymore, I don't even look at her.
My rose of love has transformed into thorns,
A rose already has thorns. Perhaps you could say the thorns already on the rose grew or became more sharper.
the pleasant memories we shared have now turned painful.

Sometimes we gaze into each other's lives
through panoramic, tainted windows.
I like this description
But when our eyes meet I pull the curtains
to hide your face and my pain.

We shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments,
but now we bear our pain alone.

I have started my life anew, without you.
I know you want my friendship back,
but frankly speaking, I don't care.

You were just a crucial chapter in my life-story;
And although it's allI don't think you need the word all here. It seems to disrupt the flow over, you will always be
something that I will cherish
until the memories of my life fade away.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was a poem written in haste in my English class. I had just got the first few lines in my head in the morning when I had woken up for school. This poem is pretty much not written in my usual style. I never write a poem without rhyme or rhythm. Editing has been kept minimal and it's pretty much raw.
I would really like to know your thoughts about this piece. If you're feeling too lazy even a 'good' or 'bad' would suffice but please do comment.

I like it. Your poem flows nicely, except for that one word, which I told you about. I think you should describe how the memory changed from something painful to something to be cherished. You don't really do that. You have a rhythm in your poem. It was somewhat sing-songy to me. I don't think you need much more editing, except for describing the memory changing. I wanted to give you a smiley, but I don't know the code for it. So, here's the link. It's the thumb's up s smiley.[url] posting.php?mode=smilies&f=9#
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I am here to review, as requested!

Now, I don't normally review poems mainly because I am not a poet and I don't claim to know much about poetry. I have done some research assignments on it, and have written a few (badly) but that's about it. So, what I say is from the perspective of someone with next to no experience with poetry.

the pleasant memories we shared have now turned painful.

This is the first thing that jumped out at me. This line is a bit too long. I feel the word 'now' is not really necessary to keep the flow going with the poem. If we are talking about flow, I guess the word 'the' isn't necessary as well. It sounds good to me...

We shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments,

Again, this is a line that doesn't seem to flow well to me. I think the word 'many' or 'more' is too much. I think one of them needs to go to keep things moving along at a better pace. I just think you need to choose one word and stick with it.

Well, I'm sorry that this isn't a very helpful review. All-in-all, I do like the poem. You just need to make sure it flows at a decent pace.

Hey, Spike.
Whoa, you're from India? Very cool, I'm Indian as well. 'Cept I live in the States. Nice to meet you. ^^
Anyway, I also suck at reviewing poetry but I'll try my best and give you a somewhat decent review. Please don't be mad if this is an epic fail.

I have started my life anew, without you.
I know you want my friendship back,
but frankly speaking, I don't care.

My opinion but I think it would have sounded better if it was, "I just don't care." Just me.

You were just a crucial chapter in my lifestory;
And although it's all over, you will always be
something that I will cherish
until the memories of my life fade away.

You started of this stanza quite well and deep but the last line seems a bit out of place, like thrown in there. The line and message itself is deep but I felt like it wasn't the best ending line. Surely, you could think of something better perhaps. Not quite sure what I would say but I bet it'd take me a while. Again, I'm not a poet but that was just my impression when I read this.

Well, I have to say, I liked the message of this poem. However it seemed to be lacking that actually 'feeling'.
Some lines seemed forced and the flow was quite off in certain parts. There were also parts where you had decent imagery and descriptions but also lines that lacked imagery and descriptions. Some parts hasted and others that seemed to have been given more thought. I think if you sat down and spent some time to revise and edit, dig deeper into the poem and reach for it's core, you pull out something more amazing.
Overall, it was a nice poem and I enjoyed it.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM.
All the best,

-Shear

Hi there, Spike!
First, my overall impression. This was very good! The descriptions, and the sense of nostalgia, which you portrayed very well, were amazing and realistic.
I will get the criticism over with quickly, so that I can get back to praising your work.
Firstly, you threw me just slightly in the first two stanzas. Initially, I thought the poem would rhyme - 'together' and 'forever' - and then the second verse didn't rhyme at all. It's probably just me, though. Ignore my senseless rambling if you wish.
Also, 'We don't talk anymore, I don't even look at her' - 'her' should be 'you', as, if I am correct, you are speaking to this girl rather than of her.
One more piece of criticism (I promise it'll be over soon): the lines of the stanzas are very irregular. Some verses have two or three lines, some have four; some rhyme and some don't. Unfortunately, I don't know how to fix that - and don't try if you don't know either. It's not actually a big thing, just something you notice. It does not detract from the poem.
Back to the compliments! As I say, this really is very good. I do like the emotions displayed through the descriptive language, and I can taste the bitterness of the poem in my own mouth. (That is a good thing!!!)
Overall - I am very impressed.
God bless,
Ignis

remember the days we were together,
our beautiful bond was to last forever,
or so we thought, but that was not to be.

We don't talk anymore, I don't even look at her.
My rose of love has transformed into thorns,
the pleasant memories we shared have now turned painful.

Sometimes we gaze into each other's lives
through panoramic, tainted windows.
But when our eyes meet I pull the curtains
to hide your face and my pain.

We shared our first kiss and many more sacred moments,
but now we bear our pain alone.

I have started my life anew, without you.
I know you want my friendship back,
but frankly speaking, I don't care.

You were just a crucial chapter in my lifestory;
And although it's all over, you will always be
something that I will cherish
until the memories of my life fade away.

is this dedicated to somebody??
who?

Hi there!

I felt that this was quite "telling". It's a bit like "then we did this and then we did that and then I said and then she said". However, I can somewhat relate to it, or at least to the situation the poem is about. Still, you have quite basic word choices, which takes away the interestingness the poem could have had with some not-so-ordinary words. Also, some of your lines are pretty long, which isn't good for the flow.

The third stanza is my favourite. And "bear" is the correct word to use in that one part, because I believe you meant "carry", and bare=/=carry.

Here's just the first few thoughts of mine, hopefully there's some help


Demeter
x

Overall, I liked this. The only suggestion I have would be to make sure the point of view is consistent. It's a little strange that it jumps from third person to second person. Other than that, it's a great poem.

I like this poem a lot. And since I'm Warrior Princess and everyone knows I'm generally too lazy and benevolent to actually critique anything, I shall leave it at this: great poem, raw is good. Cheerio!