The Rimwalker

13 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
The day the First One died was the day the First People were born. One hundred they were in number, springing fully-formed from the First One’s body; fifty were of Moon Mother, giving unto being diminished; fifty were of Sun Father, shining unto being blinding. Of these First People, half were men and half women, each going their own ways, and this was good, for a time.
But like the First One, the First People were not ageless, and as the First People grew from child- to adult-hood, the Earth looked on with worry. When the First People died, would their bodies also give rise to a hundred more children? The thought pleased the Earth, until it recalled how diminished in size and ability the First People were compared to the First One. Would the children of the First People diminish in stature and skill with each successive generation? And would they continue to diminish until nothing of the First One was left?
The Earth feared so and consulted Moon Mother when she was full and awake.
Moon Mother mulled over the Earth’s concern and eventually told her child that she would have to consult Sun Father about the matter, but she believed she might have a solution.
The Earth was not satisfied with this reply but agreed to be patient until after the talk. And so Moon Mother went to visit Sun Father the next day to discuss with him her solution.
Sun Father, upon seeing Moon Mother, was much surprised, and a great terror grew in his heart. He feared that Moon Mother had come to seek vengeance for his abandonment of her and so fled across the sky. But Moon Mother was persistent, and she followed him across the sky, finally catching Sun Father on the fifth day.
Too weary to run any further, Sun Father turned to Moon Mother and demanded of her, “What is your purpose?”
“Only to speak,” replied Moon Mother, also weary from the chase. “Our child, the Earth, worries for the First People, fearing that, like the First One, they will perish and diminish unto nothing.”
“And you seek my counsel?” grumbled Sun Father. “I cannot grant the First People immortality, any more than I could the First One.”
“Perhaps not,” replied Moon Mother, “but as equals we brought forth the Earth, and the Earth remains undiminished in strength and longevity. If we were to show the First People how to come together in the same way, perhaps then, though the First People were to perish, their children will be no less in strength or stature and so comfort the Earth.”
“I must consider this,” replied Sun Father at length.
And so Moon Mother left Sun Father to his deliberation, falling swiftly into a deep sleep; chasing Sun Father had exhausted her.
Time passed.
When Moon Mother awoke from her slumber shining and full, she approached Sun Father again. This time, Sun Father did not flee, and instead faced Moon Mother boldly.
“I have considered your solution to the Earth’s worries,” he told Moon Mother, “and I find it worthwhile.”
“I am pleased to hear such,” said Moon Mother with a smile, “as will be the Earth. Let us go down and tell our child what we have planned.”
And so Moon Mother and Sun Father descended to the Earth together and told their child their solution. Without hesitation, the Earth gathered all the First People together, sending the men to learn from Sun Father the ways of men, and sending the women to learn from Moon Mother the ways of women.
It soon came to pass that the First People asked how these teachings could be united in practice, and so Moon Mother and Sun Father, in their final lesson, showed the First People how to unite to create children equal in all ways to their parents. And from this union was born the Rimwalker, the last of the Children of Moon and Sun, who took on a form like that of the First People, though, unlike the Earth and the First One, the Rimwalker was neither man nor woman.
For a time, the Rimwalker lived among the First People, as ageless as the Earth, but when the last of the First People succumbed to age, the Rimwalker left the People to wander the Earth’s edge, seeking the company of none.
And there the Rimwalker remains to this day, ever traversing the Rim of the Earth.
Last edited by Kale on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:25 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18916
Reviews 530
Hi Kyll! Here to review...

This reminded kind of like a fable, seemed almost Mayan with the Sun and Moon and Earth being like living people, or close to being human. You wrote in a great style suited to a "tale/fable", which makes it all the more easier to read.

I found none or few grammatical errors as well as spelling, so I'll focus on sentence structure and word usage. The following are, of course, merely suggestions (regard only the part(s) in bold).

But like the First One, the First People were not ageless, and as the First People grew from child- to adult-hood,


I understand this being childhood and adulthood, but I had to read it over two or three times before I actually realised you'd only applied the "-hood" to adult, making "child-" and "adult-" sort of together. I think that, perhaps, to make it simpler for the reader, you should add a "-hood" along with "-child". Example:

But like the First One, the First People were not ageless, and as the First People grew from childhood to adulthood,



Next:

But Moon Mother was persistent, [b]and she followed him across the sky, finally catching Sun Father on the fifth day.


As mentioned a little bit before, Sun Father "sped" across the sky, which implies he sailed quickly/fast across the sky. When you put it that Moon Mother "followed" him across, I find "followed" a little slow for "sped". Perhaps "chased" or "raced" will work. Or something else. But I think "followed" implies slow, without motivation. Not energetically as you want.

Overall

I thoroughly enjoyed this. As mentioned at the beginning of this review, I find few or none grammatical errors as well as spelling mistakes, which is always nice to see :) I liekd the idea that this was written like a tale, perhaps one to teach little children a moral. Also, a tale maybe telling how humans came to be etc. I could think of a million morals/stories this piece is trying to tell, but most of all, I liked how the word usage was overwhelmed with confusing vocabulary. The words were used correctly and simply, making that all kinds of people could read it easily without confusion :)

It was a pleasure to read this.

Lavvi
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Hey Kyllorac!

The day the First One died was the day the First People were born. One hundred they were in number, springing fully-formed from the First One’s body; fifty were of Moon Mother, giving unto being diminished; fifty were of Sun Father, shining unto being blinding. Of these First People, half were men and half women, each going their own ways, and this was good, for a time.
I think the part in bold is unnecessary because you've already said that half were of Moon Mother, half of Sun father. Unless I'm not understanding this properly, but I thought it implied that half were men, half woman. No?

I loved this. My own stories often delve in the whole beginning of things, and it made me smile. I especially loved the part when Moon is running after Sun who runs away. Ahhh. So like everyday life ;)

Great story, I liked it. Will you be writing more of the Rimwalker?

Tanya :D




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Thank you both for your reviews, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I think that, perhaps, to make it simpler for the reader, you should add a "-hood" along with "-child".

I'll consider it. Personally, I think it sounds better the way I have it, but if it's really that confusing, I'll change it.

But I think "followed" implies slow, without motivation. Not energetically as you want.

Actually, Moon Mother is a bit on the lethargic side, so her catching Sun Father was more a result of persistence than speed.

Unless I'm not understanding this properly, but I thought it implied that half were men, half woman. No?

No. Being like Moon Mother and Sun Father is independent of sex. There were some women that were like Sun Father and some men like Moon Mother, and vice versa.

Will you be writing more of the Rimwalker?

Yes. This is actually part of a larger project that I poke at occasionally, and the Rimwalker is one of the more major characters.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Hey Kyllorac,

I do love me a good fable, and this had the style but the content was a bit...off at stages.

fifty were of Moon Mother, giving unto being diminished;


I understood why you're using this language and I even enjoy it but I have to say I've read this line a few times and I'm still not sure what it means. Could be it's just because I'm tired and it's midnight, but I'm not sure - I understand the intent, and the meaning you're conveying but 'giving unto being diminished' just doesn't sound right. So, yeah...Just a minor quibble there.

Moon Mother mulled over the Earth’s concern and eventually told her child that she would have to consult Sun Father about the matter, but she believed she might have a solution.

The Earth wasnot satisfied with this reply but and agreed to be patient until after the talk.


As I slipped into the fable-mode, you know the one, where you allow that almost sing-song quality to take over, I was very much enjoying this, very enjoying the feeling of familiarity. That's the brilliance of fables - they make you feel like you know the story already, have always known it. But then you got to this bit and it jarred. Why isn't the Earth satisfied? Moon has a solution and goes about securing it and Earth, ancient Earth is impatient? Quite aside from the motivation issue (or lack thereof) it just didn't sit right. That's not how the story felt it should be.

So much of the success of fable writing is rooted in instinct and nostalgia, so I feel the vague wishy-washyness of my comment is actually justified here, and accordingly, I adjusted the above quote.

Sun Father, upon seeing Moon Mother, was much surprised by the visit, and a great terror grew in his heart. He feared that Moon Mother had come to seek vengeance for his abandonment of her, and so fled across the sky. But Moon Mother was persistent, and she followed him across the sky, finally catching Sun Father on the fifth day.


This felt entirely arbitrary and I didn't believe the motivation here either. I feel like you created this just to have some kind of action in the story and it's the action, the movement and actual dialogue, that I mostly have a problem with - you could do without it, honestly. In any case, it feels contrived. If I were you, I'd change it to he saw her coming and decided to give her the slip being the aloof imperious bastard that he is.

“So what do you want me to do about it?” grumbled Sun Father. “I cannot grant the First People immortality any more than I could grant it to the First One.”


Here you slip out of the fable vernacular and it's jarring. It's too casual and blunt and human. You need to let this breathe a little and lose yourself more in the romanticism of the story.

"And you seek my counsel?" grumbled Sun Father. "You know, I cannot grant the First People immortality, any more than I could the First One."

“Perhaps not,” replied Moon Mother, “but as equals we brought forth the Earth, and the Earth remains undiminished in strength and longevity. If we were to show the First People how to come together in the same way, perhaps then, though the First People were to perish, their children will be no less in strength or stature as their parents and so comfort the Earth.”

“I must consider this,” replied Sun Father at length. Good.

“Please do,” replied Moon Mother before she departed to rest. Chasing Sun Father had exhausted her. Ick. Again, you lose the feel of it. Axe. Try:

And so Moon Mother left Sun Father to his deliberation and time passed. When Moon Mother awoke from her slumber shining and full, she approached Sun Father again.


So, I like this, mostly, I just felt you arbitrarily threw Sun and Moon's interaction together and it wasn't naturalistic at all, it just stuck out really horribly. Read with the suggested cuts and see how it feels.

Hope this helped
Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 8517
Reviews 147
This does sound like a fable, and reminds me of a Native American origin story. I like the fact that there are no spelling mistakes. Anyway, to the nitpicks!

But like the First One, the First People were not ageless, and as the First People grew from child- to adult-hood, the Earth looked on with worry.


I think you removed the 'hood' from 'child'? If so, you should also remove the hyphen.

The Earth feared so and consulted Moon Mother when she was full and awake.


Maybe it's just me, but 'full and awake' seems rather unnecessary here. Maybe you should take that away and add the sentence to the paragraph below.

LavenderBlue and Jiggity have pretty much covered everything else. I really like this story, please give me a heads up when you write any more! :D

TIGERSPRITE
"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1320
Reviews 6
TIGERSPRITE wrote:This does sound like a fable, and reminds me of a Native American origin story. I like the fact that there are no spelling mistakes.



Same here!!

Great storyline.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1127
Reviews 9
I am 8. Perhaps you could explain a bit more about what the 'solution' was because it wasn't that clear.

This is now Charlotte's dad typing.

The style was excellent and matched the genre perfectly. Your typing was 'magnificent' (says Charlotte) because we didn't notice any errors in punctuation and only one small grammatical point - this is quite rare on YWS so well done!

"...giving unto being diminished" didn't really work for me; 'given unto being diminished' perhaps? But what does it mean anyway?

I read the story once and at the end felt that I had not really understood what the eternal truth behind the 'rimwalker' was. Is there a truth behind the idea? For a myth to work then it must encapsulate/articulate/demonstrate some recognisable truth. Maybe there was a truth there but in one reading I didn't pick it up.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
TIGERSPRITE wrote:I think you removed the 'hood' from 'child'? If so, you should also remove the hyphen.

Actually, when you have words that share a suffix or prefix, rather than writing the whole word out, it is acceptable to split one of the words. There is a term for this, but I can't remember it. In any case, the hyphen indicates that the word has been split, so it's necessary.

For instance, instead of writing "forwards and backwards", you could also write it "for- and back-wards" or "for- and backwards". Without the hyphen after "for", it looks like an error, see? You can also do it the other way, such as with "un-happy and -loved", in which case, having the hyphen is even more important.

While I could have written "child- and adulthood", I think having the hyphen after "adult" makes the reason for the hyphen after "child" more apparent.

And I'll be sure to let you know when I post something related. :D

Charlotte wrote:Perhaps you could explain a bit more about what the 'solution' was because it wasn't that clear.

The solution was to have two people come together to create life, just like your parents came together to give you life. I hope that explains it. :D

Charlotte's dad wrote:"...giving unto being diminished" didn't really work for me; 'given unto being diminished' perhaps? But what does it mean anyway?

"Giving" was intentional as they do not stop giving. As for what it means, basically, a person who gives and gives until they have nothing left to give, yet still wants to give more. Because they have given away all that they have, they have nothing, and so are diminished. However, the part that isn't mentioned in the myth is how others give back to these altruistic individuals, and so they are restored.

With regards to the Rimwalker, this myth acts more as an origin story than anything else. While the myth covers some other things, like where children come from and why two parents are needed to have children, the main purpose of this story was to explain where the Rimwalker came from, as the Rimwalker is a pretty major character in the mythology of this people.

I am glad everyone enjoyed reading this. :D
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
you should cut down on the detail i think its a little to much.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1202
Reviews 57
I liked this story a lot. A good fable to tell. However, the reactions between sun and moon seem a little strange, for instance, what is the signifigance of the five day chase between them? Fables always explain things or have reasons for them, so this is a little confusing. With some minor changes, I think this would be awesome! Like I said, I liked it a lot
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 772
Reviews 25
I know this is a rather perverted look at the whole thing, but as I was reading this piece, all I could think of was the "Sexual Education" sketch from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"... *facepalm*

All pervy jokes aside, this was another great piece - the concept of the Rimwalker is really cool... I hope to see this lonely creature come back in another story! And I really like the interactions between the Sun, Moon, and Earth - like the Greek Gods (though a bit tamer), they have the makings of a lovely little dysfunctional family :)

Looking forward to more!
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 27
Yes this reminded me of a fable but with native-american origins (I think the native-americans had the gods of sky and earth and such.)
I found it very entertaining and thought it would make a good short on TV. It reminded me also of a book I read on myths and legends from all different religions and countries.

I wasn't really up to reading it at first because I thought it was to long, but surprisingly it flowed very well with no spelling mistakes. A very well done to you!

I hope you write more about this and that I see more of your works soon!

By the way, how long did it take you to write that?
Tell the people Mazzi is here! To defend the defenseless! Befriend the friendless! And to defeat...the defeatless!

P.S and to love Lemurs!



Pigeon poop is the best way to solve problems.
— Pompadour