The King of Hearts

My arms around your neck.
I could break without a sound.
Your lies made my eyes hazy.
A love I thought I found.

Don't believe all the things I said.
That was the old me and now he's dead.
I mourn his death, he gave his life
And all you brought him...
Pain and strife!

Is it hard to carry a heart of stone?
Is it a burden to know your all alone?
Wouldn't it be nice, to not have a heart of ice?
It leaves your soul cold.
It's warming to me.
It's getting old.

It hunts for you through endless night.
It will bring you, drag you
Towards the light.

The truth has come and conquered yours.
My hearts a lion, you cower as it roars.

Now your heart is broken.
My heart shall soar.

I would like to dedicate this poem to anyone who has ever been wronged or scorned by someone they love or thought they did. You are the Kings and Queens of hearts!

Wow. This is absolutely well written and I love the grammar and punctuation. The only thing I can find is when you say "towards the light" I'm thinking that should be capatalized, because the rest of the beginnings of the lines are, but yeah. Great job! I love it, and keep writing!

Well hello there, here as requested!

The first thing I noticed in this poem, is that it doesn't have nice flow. It is kind of skippy and really jumps subjects. It is really hard to focus on anything because you have it completely random. I also noticed that some of the lines don't really make sense, it's like you put them in there for no reason. I'm not really sure how else to put it. Anyway now onto the poem itself.

popatemyheart1994 wrote:My arms around your neck.
I could break without a sound. I don't really understand this. If you are speaking as the guy, you arn't really fragile. You are the bold and stong one. Even being a girl in this I don't know what you would mean by break without a sound.
Your lies made my eyes hazy. I like that you are trying to use description. So many poems lack them, but you have to use the right description. Here the way you put it, it sounds like you are high almost. I could see why they would be foggy from tears or something of the sort, but hazy doesn't seem like the right word to me. It's completely up to you though.
A love I thought I found. This is really jumpy. It doesn't go with the rest of the stanza.

Don't believe all the things I said. Now you are going from the other persons lies to your own. I would focus on either one or the other.
That was the old me and now he's dead. So your not a liar anymore?
I mourn his death, he gave his life He gave his life doesn't make sense. I also don't understand why you would want the liar back.
And all you brought him... Really random, I don't understand.
Pain and strife! So you are taling about what she brought him, but you word it like something else. I don't know, you should work this stanza different in order to be clear.

Is it hard to carry a heart of stone? I like the metaphor.
Is it a burden to know your all alone? Love this line.
Wouldn't it be nice, to not have a heart of ice?
It leaves your soul cold.
It's warming to me.
It's getting old. I like how you made these lines relatable. Now you just have to put some emotion into it. This doesn't make me understand you personally. It just seems like words on a page. I understand, but make everyone else understand your pain.

It hunts for you through endless night. What hunts for you? This is yet again very random, and very hard to follow.
It will bring you, drag you
Towards the light. Wouldn't it drag you to the darkness, it seems bad.

The truth has come and conquered yours.
My hearts a lion, you cower as it roars. I thought your heart was ice, are you being two people?

Now your heart is broken.
My heart shall soar.

I would just add an and to this line and make the line before have a comma instead of a period.


As far as punctuation, I didn't really look at it much. You are to jumpy and it's hard to focus on anything. You have to many subjects going on here.

Other than that most of my comments are above. I hope I helped you! Let me know if you need anything.

-Flow-

OMG damn your talented and only 16 you seem to have so much awerness of the world but still manage to keep your vulnerability. You amaze me and i think i actually love you popatemyheart1994!

Hello! I must say that this poem was deep and the emotion came across very well. The descriptions were nice and explained the situation spot on. At times, the flow was nice, such as in the second stanza. Then it kind of floundered a bit. The rhyme was not there all the time either. But that just might be me. This was well written. I enjoyed it very much. Keep writing.
~Ballerina

This piece of work really portrays someone's feelings..whether they be directly yours or someone else's. However, I thought it was strange for the guy to be in that position and I was, at first, unsure of the gender of the speaker. But, I liked the poem a lot, however, like someone else mentioned, it could be more concise.

Hey there, I love the idea behind this poem
However, It's a bit hard to focus on anything because of the way it jumps around. I get what you are trying to say but it took me a while to understand it fully

Great job though

Matthew,
This poem is different to your other one but makes the 'ice' reference and you use tis to a good advantage, maybe you should use it as a theme in your poems? Ice is a good representation of coldness and frozen in 'time' or at a disadvantage of something.
Anyhow, the poem is good but again it seems scattered and i'm not sure if this is on purpose but still i think you need to develops areas such as the emotion in the first four lines.
Again it is good poem, and you've increased your ability to make lines flow a bit better than before.
Keep it up!

popatemyheart1994 wrote:My arms around your neck.
I could break without a sound.
Your lies made my eyes hazy.
A love I thought I found.

Don't believe all the things I said.
That was the old me and now he's dead.
I mourn his death, he gave his life
And all you brought him...
Pain and strife!

Is it hard to carry a heart of stone?
Is it a burden to know your all alone?
Wouldn't it be nice, to not have a heart of ice?
It leaves your soul cold.
It's warming to me.
It's getting old.

It hunts for you through endless night.
It will bring you, drag you
Towards the light.

The truth has come and conquered yours.
My hearts a lion, you cower as it roars.

Now your heart is broken.
My heart shall soar.

Wow. Just one word. Brilliant, Keep Writing!