Hello's and goodbye's.

I never thought this moment would come. It wasn’t expected. It was one of those things that you have no idea about. As I look as his beautiful face, watch him talk and explain things, I cannot hear him. I’m not allowing myself too. Jacob’s hand curves around my cheek, as a few tears fall down my face. I try to process what Jacob is saying. “Natashia Rose.” He slowly says, regret clear in his eyes. “No.” I whisper. “No.” I say again. I shake my head, and stand closer to him, and watch as his eyes tell me he feels uncomfortable about that. He quickly leans in, kisses my forehead for the very last time, and turns his back on me. Turns his back onto the life we could have, turns his back on the love we have.

My eyes never leave his retreating back, and my hand is stretched out towards him, as if I could simply pull him back. I scream out his name and watch as he glances back. He slowly hesitates, but quickly turns back around, down the street and out of my view. Tears are washing down my cheeks and onto my collarbone and my cries of pain become even more pronounced. I’m standing in the middle of the doorway at the front of the house. I’m simply standing there, confused and hurt. But my knees give up and I collapse onto the ground, with my head in my hands. One of my favourite memories I had with Jacob ran through my mind.

“Natashia.” Jacob had said, placing my arms around his neck and then snaking his arms around my waist. He smiled at me, clearly a little nervous. I smiled back at him encouragingly. He takes a deep breath. “Will you say yes to marrying me now, but we get married when we’re … older?” he had asked me, smiling at the last bit. He placed his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. A tear of joy escaped my eye and Jacob wiped it away with a kiss. “Of course.” I whispered, before my lips touched his. It was hard to kiss him when we both couldn’t stop smiling. He picked me up and spun me around. “I love you,” he told me, grinning. “As I love you.” I told him, kissing his cheek. Now Jacob is mine, forever.


I haven't finished it, this is just a little bit to see if you like it so I know whether I should bother to continue.

Interesting...it's too short yet to really see what is going on, but I like what you've got so far. I'm definitely wanting to know more about these two and what motivated him to break it off.

Now, onto the critique:

The title should be "Hellos and Goodbyes". When things are plural, no apostrophe is needed =]

I never thought this moment would come. It wasn’t expected. It was one of those things that you have no idea about.

This is redundant. You only need to say that it's unexpected once and then continue with the story.

I’m not allowing myself too.

"I'm not allowing myself to."

The story also seems to be a tad too fast paced. There's a lot to process in such a short amount of time. Space it out a bit more.

Additionally, this is just a personal thing, but I would move the flashback sequence to the middle of the drama. Somewhere shortly after the dialogue. And then cut back to him leaving. Simply because I feel like this would cause more tension in the story. But, again, that's just how I would do things and I realize that not everyone is me.

I think this is good- I'm interested to see what direction you take it in though. This could turn out to be really cliche or really original depending on where you run with it. I would describe more his reasons for leaving, the emotion devastation his leaving caused (mentally/emotionally, not physically). Try to share her absolutely anguish with the reader.

This was nicely done- I really liked the flashback you gave us. You presented it nicely, created a nice rhythmic segway, and gave it the time it needed. I would elaborate over the entire piece though, filling it in with a bit more to make the reader empathize rather than sympathize. While elaborating though, make sure to avoid redundancies. You have a lot of these in this piece without actually continuing separate thoughts, especially towards the beginning. If you're going to rephrase something, offer something else up with it.

If you add onto this, please let me know and I'd be glad to look at it.

-Coral-

I'll tell you straight out, I didn't bother to read the whole thing. I disliked the guys name. Jacob is already a popular romance character, You might want to change his name. the first three line are repetitive. I didn't keep reading because of that.

“spaceNatashia,” Jacob had said, placing my arms around his neck and then snaking his arms around my waist. He smiled at me, clearly a little nervous. I smiled back at him encouragingly. He takes a deep breath. “spaceWill you say yes to marrying me now, but we get married when we’re … older? This makes no sense, fix it” he had asked me, smiling at the last bit. He placed his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. A tear of joy escaped my eye and Jacob wiped it away with a kiss. new paragraph, she's talking now “Of course.” I whispered, before my lips touched his. It was hard to kiss him when we both couldn’t stop smiling. He picked me up and spun me around. new paragraph, he's talking “I love you,” he told me, grinning. new, she's talking “As I love you.” I told him, kissing his cheek. Now Jacob is mine, forever.

hi! I am pointe and I am reviewing you today
my corrections are bolded my comments in red additions in blue and cancels striked out

I never thought this moment would come. It wasn’t expected. It was one of those things that you have no idea about. As I look as his beautiful face, watch him talk and explain things, I cannot hear him. I’m not allowing myself too. Jacob’s hand curves around my cheek, as a few tears fall down my face. I try to process what Jacob is saying. “Natashia Rose.” He slowly says, regret clear in his eyes. “No.” I whisper. “No.” I say again. I shake my head, and stand closer to him, and watch as his eyes tell me he feels uncomfortable about that. He quickly leans in, kisses my forehead for the very last time,and turns his back on me. Turns his back onto the life we could havehad, turns his back on the love we have.
this should be we had not have
i think this is supposed to be at

My eyes never leave his retreating back, and my hand is stretched out towards him, as if I could simply pull him back. I scream out his name and watch as he glances back. He slowly hesitates, but quickly turns back around, down the street and out of my view. Tears are washing down my cheeks and onto my collarbone and my cries of pain become even more pronounced. I’m standing in the middle of the doorway at the front of the house. I’m simply standing there, confused and hurt. But my knees give up and I collapse onto the ground, with my head in my hands. One of my favourite memories I had with Jacob ran through my mind.
this should be run
“Natashia.” Jacob had said, placing my arms around his neck and then snaking his arms around my waist. He smiled at me, clearly a little nervous. I smiled back at him encouragingly. He takes a deep breath. “Will you say yes to marrying me not now, but we get married when we’re … older?” he had asked me, smiling at the last bit.


this whole sentence doesn't make sense. I'm not sure what it is

He placed his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. A tear of joy escaped my eye and Jacob wiped it away with a kiss. “Of course.” I whispered, before my lips touched his. It was hard to kiss him when we both couldn’t stop smiling. He picked me up and spun me around. “I love you,” he told me, grinning. “As I love you.” I told him, kissing his cheek. Now Jacob is mine, forever.
i thought he left her? is this still part of the memory or what? because the memory seems to be over so I'm kinda confused
overall:
I love it!
it needs some work but the thought is there and thats all that matters! I see big things ahead! good job and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
if you have any questions PM me or write something on my wall. and feel free to review my stuff as well
~pointe

hey i felt like you rushed it and where was what happened before?