The Ringmaster

This is a story I wrote for a school competition and submitted. I came second, but I think I can still improve it a lot. Any thoughts welcome

The madness began even before the patter of rubber-soled feet and a legion of shadows across a brick wall came into the presence of Siburr Alley. A young woman stopped under a streetlight and glanced across at an old man staring at her through a coffee shop window; he looked away, as if caught. To look as though she was going somewhere important like a responsible adult, she checked her wrist watch. Seven past nine. The girl rocked on the balls of her feet and huffed out a bored sigh. It would be a while before the party started.
It had been the Tuesday before that she had been passed a colourful flyer inviting whoever saw it to the opening of a new club called Damn Orion on Siburr Alley. After she’d been given it, the strange man who had handed it to her had left, with a glitter of grey eyes behind a brown feather mask and a doff of his ringmaster’s hat.
“Oh, my gosh, it’s freezing,” the woman muttered to herself. Just at that moment, a voice from the other end of the alleyway caught her by surprise.
“Hey!” it called. Behind it disco music throbbed. Anne turned. It was the guy who handed her the flyer, still with his costume on – if that’s what it was.
“You’re missing out on the party!”
“Oh!”
“Come on,” said the guy. He gestured. Anne trotted towards him, and she allowed him to give her a hand in through the large metal door. His leather glove was smooth on her fingers.
“Just watch your step there,” the man whispered, “it might get a bit…”
The door slammed behind her, and Anne was left in complete darkness. The hair along the back of her neck and on her arms rose. There was no music; there were no voices.
“Dark.”
The low echo of the man’s voice bounced off the space Anne couldn’t see. She stayed just where she was, and when colourful lights flicked on in the middle of the room, she yelped.
“Hello,” said the man. He was standing in the middle of the room stirring a cauldron as a skylight opened above him. Stars glittered, washed out by the nearby city lights. How did the man get there so quickly? Anne wondered. His gloved hand had slipped out of hers, the room had darkened… and now the man was in the middle of the room.
Gently stirring a cauldron.
The room was full to the max with hats. All the hats that had ever been, large, small, pretty, ugly and the stupid. Some sparkled with glitter, others with jewels; shamrock hats and pirate hats, an Indiana Jones fedora. Feathered hats and triangular hats, edible hats and hats that will eat you. All of them were stacked upon one another in the room which was, actually, very large.
“What do you want?” Anne gasped, her mind running through all the horror movies she’d ever seen. She’d thought she was tough when watching Nightmare on Elm Street. She’d felt hardcore watching Wolf Creek. But this… this must be a freaky mix between The Muppets and a cheesy cannibalistic movie.
“I want you to win back my love, Artemis.” He looked up through the skylight, and sighed. “She’s full tonight.”
“You’re crazy,” Anne whimpered. “Let me go!”
She threw herself against the door, but all she got was a sore shoulder.
“Don’t hurt yourself now,” said the man. He flicked out a neon pink umbrella, held it up and released it. Out fell a pale yellow cat, the same colour as post-its. “Stella,” said the man. The cat dashed towards Anne. Anne screamed and stumbled backwards. In another flash, the man was behind her and she was falling, down into the cauldron…

A whooshing sound in the middle of the room, and Artemis the moon goddess was behind him.
“You have to stop doing this,” she sighed.
“What? A little fear, my love, you can’t admit it doesn’t give you a bit of a kick.”
“Just because I feed off human emotions doesn’t mean fear is the right one.”
“I will continue to feed you until you no longer need him, you no longer rely on” – the man spat – “him!”
“Ah, yes. The Damn Orion. Nice touch.”
“I thought so,” said the man. He started chuckling, and chuckled some more; even after he heard the whoosh behind him he did not stop until dawn.

Anne woke with a cry. It took her a while to make sense of her surroundings. Was she in – was she in her house? She wasn’t dead?
“Bad dream,” Anne muttered. “It’s okay.”
She groped on her bedside table for a drink of water, but her hand instead met velvet.
It was a ringmaster’s hat, with a sticky note on it saying, ‘Thanks. ’
Anne screamed.

Hey Durrie! Gosh it feels like forever since I've read one of your stories...that's probably my fault.

Anyways, I think you've got a good story here, it just needs some tweaking. I'm not sure whether you have a word limit or something, but I felt like this was really rushed. If you've already submitted it to the contest and are wanting to fix it up, I'd definitely suggest lengthening it and giving it some more detail.

Okay, now on to the nitpicks!

Durriedog wrote:The madness began even before the patter of rubber-soled feet and a legion of shadows across a brick wall came into the presence of Siburr Alley.

As a starting sentence, this is very wordy. Also, I wouldn't say "into the presence of Siburr Alley", it gives the impression of the alley being a person.

A young woman stopped under a streetlight and glanced across at an old man staring at her through a coffee shop window; he looked away, as if caught. To look as though she was going somewhere important like a responsible adult, she checked her wrist watch. Seven past nine. The girl rocked on the balls of her feet and huffed out a bored sigh. It would be a while before the party started.

This felt very rushed, like you're trying to give us a quick snapshot of the setting but it turned out a bit blurry. You could definitely slow the pacing down, like so: "A young woman stopped under the dusky glow of a street lamp. She glanced around, and caught the gaze of an old man in a coffee shop, who was staring at her. He looked away guiltily, knowing he had been caught." See how that just gives so much more time for the reader to get a good picture of the scene in their head?

It had been the Tuesday before that she had been passed a colourful flyer inviting whoever saw it to the opening of a new club called Damn Orion on Siburr Alley. After she’d been given it, the strange man who had handed it to her had left, with a glitter of grey eyes behind a brown feather mask and a doff of his ringmaster’s hat.

Not sure if this is completely necessary; I think you could slip this information into the story in bits and pieces, instead of doing a bit of info-dumping. It really breaks up the narrative of the "present" story.

Feathered hats and triangular hats, edible hats and hats that will eat you.

As much as I love the idea of these hats, especially the hat that'll eat you, how does she know they are? Is there a sign that explains what type of hats they are? Is it evident by the way the hat has teeth along the brim and is chomping hungrily?

“What do you want?” Anne gasped, her mind running through all the horror movies she’d ever seen. She’d thought she was tough when watching Nightmare on Elm Street. She’d felt hardcore watching Wolf Creek. But this… this must be a freaky mix between The Muppets and a cheesy cannibalistic movie.

There are a lot of cultural references here; not sure if you need it all. When people start naming the hot movies, music, actors, whatever, during the present time period, it really dates their work in later years.

Out fell a pale yellow cat, the same colour as post-its.

I believe it's a brand name, and you'd want to make it "Post-It notes."

The cat dashed towards Anne. Anne screamed and stumbled backwards. In another flash, the man was behind her and she was falling, down into the cauldron…

'Kay, again this felt very rushed. How exactly did she get from being by the door to suddenly in the middle of the room and into the cauldron?

A whooshing sound in the middle of the room, and Artemis the moon goddess was behind him.

Whoaaa. That was a very abrupt change. You've wrenched us from Anne's POV to this ethereal, floating entity that's watching the discourse between Artemis and the ringmaster guy. Maybe show a little break before the change, like ***** or ~~~~~, just something to signify the change.

It was a ringmaster’s hat, with a sticky note on it saying, ‘Thanks. ’

Um...kind of a let down, for me at least. You've done a great job of building the suspense, mystery, and creepiness with this guy and now he's got a little smiley face and is saying "thanks" all casually? I'd like something a little more...haunting.

Okay, that's it! Good storyline, just needs a bit of fleshing out to become really great. Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot; keep up the good work! (:

Thanks Hawkie! =D I will follow it all up and fix it... thank you so much!