Little By Little

Little by little
day by day
my pain goes deeper
and never goes away!

I don't have the scars
for you to see
but don't you realize?
I'm just not me!

I may smile
pretending I'm fine
acting like everything is alright
but no one realizes....
that its all a lie!

Little by little
day by day
my pain goes deeper
and never goes away!

colie18 wrote:Little by little
day by day
my pain goes deeper
and never goes away!

I don't have the scars
for you to see
but don't you realize?
I'm just not me!

This is simple, but yet it seems the same. I know the feeling of this poem, not fun. I think it's really short, and it's (no offence) a little too plain. When you use exclaimation points I feel like you are yelling at me. Was that the point? If so, tell the reader why you are yelling at us. What kind of pain are you in? What made you feel this way? If you do not explain to the reader they may become really confused or even worse, bored.

Why does the pain go deeper? Are you being shot, or stabbed? Did your boyfriend/girlfriend break up with you? Why don't you have scars? Why isn't this you. Explain! Details!

PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Have a good day and keep writing.

-Soggy

Dear colie18,

Hello there, my name is The Written Chef! I have the honor of being your first critique...

First off, let me say your poem flowed very well, and to whatever spurred the idea behind it; I am sorry. My sincere salutations toward you.
Secondly, I'd have to say the poem was inevitably flawless really. You missed a few commas that could've helped, like after both buts lolz...other than that, grammar seems fine.
Lastly, your delivery was perfect. What I took from this poem was that it seems you are or were in a troublesome state. You perhaps have made it to the end of the grieving process, but the pain lingers. Scars never go away. However, the poem is also delivered lightly, thus alluding to the fact that you may look upon the 'trouble' from the positive spectrum of things. If so, you are that of bravery and I applaud you.
-Remember that if we were never led to fall, than we would never learn to pick ourselves up!
It gets me through sometimes.

Thank you for your poem,
- The Written Chef

That was a really beautiful poem, and I just want to say know, I really want you to keep writing. Just one thing, in every line in a poem, the first letter has to be capitalized, even if you're in the middle of a sentence. Other than that, I loved it!