Young Writers Society

I paint my nails black where no one can see

Afraid to be teased or stand out

Alone in my room I

Dye my hair blue

I stand out where no one can see
(This just popped in to my head.Thought I'd Put it here .didn't edit except to put this )

dasiamari wrote:I paint my nails black where no one can see

Afraid to be teased or stand out

Alone in my room I paint my nails black

Dye my hair blue

I Paint my nails black where no one can see

(This just popped in to my head.Thought I'd Put it here .didn't edit except to put this )

Hello Dasimari. I want to say this and not make you feel bad. But... what? I don't think I quite understand. I understand that the girl is afraid to be teased but black nails don't stand out at all. Now, the "dye my hair blue" thing makes it weird.
If she's afraid to be teased and stand out then why is she dying her hair? I think because it randomly popped into your head you didn't really read over it much and consider. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings and I hope this was helpful.
~Ladypurple.

Hello, dasiamari. I'll be reviewing you today on this lovely Review Day.

This poem was very short. Now, normally I really like short poems (because they're so short), but this poem, to be blunt, I didn't much like. There are a couple of reasons.

The first reason is that you repeated yourself thrice with the whole painting nails black thing. Repetition is tricky business, and the shorter the space between repetitions, the trickier successful repetition gets. Because this poem is so short and there is so little space between the repetitions, the whole painting nails black thing came across as redundant rather than meaningful. And so I suggest you cut out two of the repetitions.

The second reason is that you lack anything really interesting to read about. Someone afraid of standing out paints their nails black and dyes their hair blue while hiding. The end. Just as it makes for a pretty boring (and very short) story, it makes for a pretty boring (and very short) poem. The easiest way to fix this is to expand upon the story, add more to it. Why, even though the narrator is afraid of standing out, do they paint their nails black and dye their hair blue? What is it about painting nails black and dyeing hair blue that is so important to the narrator? And don't forget to include descriptions. Descriptions (or imagery) make poetry interesting to read and easier to visualize, which is a very good thing in any form of writing.

If you cut down on the repetition, expand upon the narrator's reasons, and include descriptions, this poem will be much more solid.