Fretful

Alright, I had this idea last night: two poems, different but related to one another. They're dramatic poems, so I put them here. Here they are! Eventually, I am going to keep going, like a conversation, sort of. A story of poems.

Father's POV

Fretful Son

Fly fast and true, O son of mine,
The sky is far from you limit.

Twirl steadily, leap with grace
Never fear the clutch of war.

Simple laws of gravity,
they contain you no more.

Promise me honestly, O son of mine,
Never march with the soldiers to fight.

You can't control the war,
Don't try to control the pain.

Warriors dance with swords,
Death in their sights,

Do not leave me, fretful son,
and do not kill in vain.





Next, the 'sister' poem. From the son's POV.

Fretful Father

My father, you can
control me no longer.

I must fight these beasts
in crazed thirst for revenge.

I love you with all my heart, O father,
but my grim priorities mustn't wander.

I shall fly across seas,
honest and true.

I shall dance for days
with the king watching,

If it means so much, O father,
I shall plummet into waters blue.

If the need is so great,
I shall die on my feet, dancing.

I must leave, I must fight,
I refuse to be slaughtered in fright.

Thanks for reading!!!

Fly fast and true, O son of mine,
The sky is far from you limit.

"Your limits," perhaps is what you meant to write?

That's the only nitpick I found.

Okay, so something I noticed is that on some lines you write where the first letter of the line is capitalized, regardless of its position in a sentence, though sometimes the first letter isn't a capital.

Example:

First line capital:

Fly fast and true, O son of mine,
The sky is far from you limit.

Beginning of sentence capital:

Simple laws of gravity,
they contain you no more.

Either way works, but be consistent.

Something I wonder about is, why is the father talking to the son while the sister is talking to the father? I mean, we know almost nothing about the son, other than what the father says; not his motivations, or even what's really going on. Then the sister talks to the father, almost as though responding as the son. It doesn't really make sense.

Overall, I like this, but just be consistent and link the poems better. Sorry if I couldn't be of more help (I'm not that good at reviewing poetry, but thought I'd give this a whirl).

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hello Dragon

I just want to point out that the 'O father' and 'O son' became a bit annoying because you repeat them quite a bit. In the first one it was okay because it came in two times but with the son's one, even if there was just one more than the father's one, was a bit too much for me. I'd suggest take one off.

Fly fast and true, O son of mine,
The sky is far from you limit.

Twirl steadily, leap with grace
Never fear the clutch of war.

Simple laws of gravity,
they contain you no more.

I just wanted to point this out, I thought it was beautifully written and a great way to start the poem

I really love this poem, or I should say these. The idea is great and the story, even though we do have a bit of an outline is not defined yet, so I'm looking forward for the rest I also loved how they matched... a little family feeling there; it was well done. The only thing is be sure to keep their tones and personalities and not mix the two together so we are not mixed up between the two because of the resemblance in the two.

Keep writing this!

-Truth-

So wait, the father doesn't want the son to fight but the son is going to anyways? Apart from that part these are really great poems!!! I love them . The rhyming is perfect and it blends really well, I stink at rhyming so I'm impressed by anyone who can

Keep writing!!
Alzora

This is such an imaginative idea!
I love it, and I love the way it's written, too.
xxx