Freaks!

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Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:12 pm

Shytundra says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:12 pm

Freaks! Intro:

"W-what are you? The boy stammered, a shaky hand dropped the knife that used to be held firm for defense.

"I saw it." The words were barely heard as it left the smaller boy's lips. His pure white hair seemed to mirror his older sister's and glow blue in the moonlight. Two pairs of silver, emotionless eyes painfully peirced through the shaking boy. But he felt as if her were under a spell, unable to rip his gaze from theirs.

"Fire." Cai's voice was calm, only causing the boy's heart to pound harder. "There's fire."

Normally the boy wouldn't believe in such a thing as fortuntelling, but the way he felt now, the unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind at the reality of it all.

"Your house will burn down." Now Ane spoke. Her voice sounded almost identical to her brother's her silver gaze stared right into the boy's soul. "Everything to ashes. A black scar is all that will be left."

"In the scar is where you'll be." Cai said no more.

Eyes wide, the boy dropped to his knees. "What do you mean?"

"You will end where your house ends. Whether you believe is up to you." Ane's face remained emotionless.

"When?", was the only reply the boy could give.

A smirk twisted ane's lips. "Only we are allowed to know."

Like it so far? Hate it? The story just came to my head one day and after that I couldn't get it out. Anyone else ever get that feeling? Anyway, Are people here allowed to Let readers submit characters. I think that would be a cool idea.

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MuffinMunch

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Points 1269

Reviews 7

Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:41 pm

MuffinMunch says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:41 pm

Yeah, I like it so far, as much as I can, since that was so little. But you do have some run-ons and one time you forgot to capitalize (though I do think that that one was just a typo). And I have no idea of the rules since I just came here and this is my first post.

"Like on the inside, I'm made of clouds and floating eyes, green apples, and slowly rising men in bowler hats."

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MilkNCookies

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Points 922

Reviews 49

Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:41 pm

MilkNCookies says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:41 pm

I like it! But, it has to go more in depth to give an accurate critique. Post more soon! And btw, your allowed if you want. You can. I've never heard of it, but it would be a cool incentive for people to critique. nice story, so far!

"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.

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BubbleGirl

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Points 1591

Reviews 36

Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:35 pm

BubbleGirl says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:35 pm

It's a bit hard to review since there was so little, but from what I've read so far it's definitely freaky! It drew me right in, and Cai and Ane gave me the creeps! I like it a lot, so please post more!

"I didn't lie! I was writing fiction with my mouth!" -Homer Simpson

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Funkymomo

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Points 1626

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Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:57 pm

Funkymomo says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:57 pm

Hi. I had a hard time understanding your story. It's to short to have more than two characters, in my opinion. I had to read it very carefully to understand what was going on.

brother's her silver gaze

Period inn between brother's and her. Then capitalize her.

twisted ane's lips.

capitalize Ane

Normally the boy wouldn't believe in such a thing as fortuntelling, but the way he felt now, the unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind at the reality of it all.

this was my favorite line in the story. It told you a little about the character while giving him a reason to believe without just telling the reader he believed them.

as if her were under a

he, not her.
Do this editing and make the story a little longer and you'll be good to go!

Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.

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Gheala

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Points 4346

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Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:15 am

Gheala says... · Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:15 am

Shytundra wrote:Freaks! Intro:

"W-what are you? The boy stammered, a shaky hand dropped the knife that used to be held firm for defense.

"I saw it." The words were barely heard as it left the smaller boy's lips. His pure white hair seemed to mirror his older sister's and glow blue in the moonlight. Two pairs of silver, emotionless eyes painfully peirced (pierced)through the shaking boy. But he felt as if her were under a spell, unable to rip his gaze from theirs. (The paragraph was a little confusing. I didn't understand what was happening at the first read)

"Fire." Cai's voice was calm, only causing the boy's heart to pound harder. "There's fire." (I like this line. I somehow heard the calmness in the boy's voice)

Normally the boy wouldn't believe in such a thing as fortuntelling(fortune-telling, or fortune telling), but the way he felt now, the unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind at the reality of it all.

"Your house will burn down." Now Ane spoke. Her voice sounded almost identical to her brother's her (omit the second 'her')silver gaze stared right into the boy's soul. "Everything to ashes. A black scar is all that will be left." (Again, I don't understand what's going on. There is a fire, but why are they staring at him? It's confusing, more than intriguing)

"In the scar is where you'll be." (Put a comma instead of the period, in the end f the quotation)Cai said no more.

Eyes wide, the boy dropped to his knees. "What do you mean?"

"You will end where your house ends. Whether you believe is up to you." Ane's face remained emotionless.

"When?", was the only reply the boy could give.

A smirk twisted ane's lips. "Only we are allowed to know."

Like it so far? Hate it? The story just came to my head one day and after that I couldn't get it out. Anyone else ever get that feeling? Anyway, Are people here allowed to Let readers submit characters. I think that would be a cool idea.

As an answer to your question, I kinda liked it. But even though the very ending was nice and interesting, the very piece was foggy. You talked to us as if we know the story, which is sometimes good only when you give us enough information. I know it's only an opening, but it's also where you whether get your reader's attention or not.
I gotta say, though: If you practice more, you'll be better at this. It's as if you were thinking about the details to come next, or maybe you didn't really know what was to happen next. Try to be concentrated and give us little things to know in the beginning, but interesting things.
GOOD LUCK!

I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!

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tuckerluvr

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Points 1796

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Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:21 pm

tuckerluvr says... · Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:21 pm

Shytundra wrote:Freaks! Intro:

"W-what are you? The boy stammered, a shaky hand dropped the knife that used to be held firm for defense. This part seems a little weird. I would change it to "The boy stammered, as a shaky hand dropped the knife that used to be held firm for defense.

"I saw it." The words were barely heard as it left the smaller boy's lips. His pure white hair seemed to mirror his older sister's and glow blue in the moonlight. Two pairs of silver, emotionless eyes painfully peirced through the shaking boy. But he felt as if her were under a spell, unable to rip his gaze from theirs.

"Fire." Cai's voice was calm, only causing the boy's heart to pound harder. "There's fire."

Normally the boy wouldn't believe in such a thing as fortuntelling, but the way he felt now, the unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind at the reality of it all.I like this sentence, but shouldn't it be "fortune telling" instead of "fortuntelling"?

"Your house will burn down." Now Ane spoke. Her voice sounded almost identical to her brother'speriod herHer silver gaze stared right into the boy's soul. "Everything to ashes. A black scar is all that will be left."

"In the scar is where you'll be." Cai said no more.

Eyes wide, the boy dropped to his knees why? Of fear?. "What do you mean?"

"You will end where your house ends. Whether you believe is up to you." Ane's face remained emotionless.

"When?", was the only reply the boy could give.

A smirk twisted ane's lips. "Only we are allowed to know."

I liked it! I look forward to seeing more.

the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out

- Proverbs 20:5

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IgnisandGlacialis

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Points 3649

Reviews 106

Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:20 am

IgnisandGlacialis says... · Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:20 am

Hello, hello, hello!
First off, I'll be a bit nit-picky. Very nit-picky, in fact. Sorry.

Grammar first.
1. '"W-what are you? The boy stammered, a shaky hand dropped the knife that used to be held firm for defense.' There is quite a bit that needs tidying up here. If you correct this sentence, it should look more like this: '"W-what are you?" the boy stammered, his shaking hand dropping the knife that had been held firm for defence.' Note the inverted comma, the lower-case 't' and the re-phrasing of the later part of the sentence.
2. '"I saw it." The words were barely heard as it left the smaller boy's lips.' Again, pay attention to the changes: '"I saw it." The words were barely audible as they left the smaller boy's lips.'
3. 'Two pairs of silver, emotionless eyes painfully peirced through the shaking boy.' I thought this sounded a little weird. Maybe switch around 'painfully' and 'pierced'.
4.'"Fire." Cai's voice was calm, only causing the boy's heart to pound harder.' Maybe change it to: '"Fire." Cai's voice was calm, but it caused the boy's heart to pound harder.' The words 'only causing' don't exactly make sense in the context.
5. 'Normally the boy wouldn't believe in such a thing as fortuntelling, but the way he felt now, the unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind at the reality of it all.' There is something wrong with this sentence. I am not here to write your story for you - that's your job, no-one else's - but I can make a few suggestions. This sentence would be less confusing if you changed it to something like: 'Normally the boy wouldn't have believed in such a thing as fortune-telling, but now, in his unimaginable fear, there was no doubt in his mind about the reality of it all.'
6. 'Her voice sounded almost identical to her brother's her silver gaze stared right into the boy's soul.' There is a bit of a lack of punctuation here. Maybe divide it into two sentences: 'Her voice sounded almost identical to her brother's. Her silver gaze stared right into the boy's soul.'
7. '"When?", was the only reply the boy could give.' Eliminate the comma. It is unneccesary.
8. 'A smirk twisted ane's lips. "Only we are allowed to know."' You need to make the 'a' in Ane's name upper-case.
Now on with the story!
Okay, I have a couple of questions. Firstly, I do feel that you need to add a bit more onto the beginning. Maybe give us a bit of a ground concerning who the boy is, where he is, why he is wherever he is, etcetera. I was thrown early on because of the suddenness of the introduction of these two strange characters. I thought, wait, have I missed something? And if the boy does not know who or what they are, how come he knows that they are brother and sister, and how come he knows their names?
Also, I would like to know why the boy is so scared. The appearance of these two characters can't have been enough to do it, can it? Did they appear in the middle of a forest, when the boy was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown? How come he was so ready to believe them?
One more thing - when Cai says 'There's fire', maybe you should change it to 'There will be fire'. He/she is telling the future, right? (And which one is Cai? Which one is Ane? I tend to think Ane is the girl, but I'm not sure.)
Overall, I'm impressed. Aside from the grammatical mistakes, I really do like it. It is quite original and I was drawn in. I do believe you may be on to something

.
So, keep up the good work, and God bless,
Ignis :pirate3:

The POTATO of DOOM

A thousand times it calls your name
A thousand times you hear it
And fools are those who heed its call
But fools are those who fear it.

The Interesting Thoughts of Edward Monkton

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