fire-bird chapter 2

Spoiler

heres Chapter 2!!!

Part II (James):

I watched her from a distance; arguing with her father: her black hair streaming down her back in long strands and her lilac eyes inflamed with anger towards the rebellion. I watched her stalk out of the hovel and into the still smoking street and disappear. I stood up too, following her slowly. Nobody tried to bring me back, but nobody ever had. The smoke outside the hut was toxic and oppressive weighing on my lungs.

I didn’t have to walk far to find her, she had fell to her knees three streets away from the shack; burying her face into her grimy hands. I sat down behind her, putting my hand on her back. She whipped around her hand shoving mine away.
'"Oh,” she gasped and stood up, crossing her hands across her chest.
“What do you want James?” She said, her voice filled with anger.

Why did I have to break up with her? Why did I have to like that fool Penny and break her heart? My mind filled with the questions that had been circulating since our nasty break up when she had found me kissing another girl.
“To apologize for all I did to you.” Her face was soiled with smoke and dirt and long pale lines made from falling tears.

“Well forgiveness is not an option,” she said, spitefully turning away and beginning to stride down the narrow road.

“Wait!,” she half turned then shook her head and continued down the path. I caught up with her easily, she twisted to me looking annoyed that I had trapped her so quickly.
“Listen James, I don’t mean to be rude but, GO AWAY!” Her voice rose to a shrilling scream on the last two words, her face turning crimson under the layer of soot on her face.

“No,” her eyes seemed to glow silver and she screamed in frustration.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated the words I had said a million times in voicemails, texts, e-mails and letters. I could see her resolve melting under my *cute face*.

“Are you really sorry?” She asked part angrily part sadly “let me prove it” I said, bravely scooping her close and kissing her. She seemed to melt into my arms her hands wrapped tightly round my neck. Then she pulled away.

“How do you know you won’t break my heart again?” She said looking deep into my eyes. I scanned her face; grimy in an angular shape, her eyes portraying the hurt she had been feeling for months. Her hands shook with repressed anger she felt towards me and the love she had for me.

“I swear on my life I will never hurt you again,” her face melted and her lips found my once again.

pointe2drama wrote:heres Chapter 2!!!


Part II (James):
I watched her from a distance; arguing with her father: her black hair streaming down her back in long strands and her lilac eyes inflamed with anger towards the rebellion. I watched her stalk out of the hovel and into the still smoking street and disappear. I stood up too, following her slowly. Nobody tried to bring me back, but nobody ever had. The smoke outside the hut was toxic and oppressive weighing on my lungs. I didn’t have to walk far to find her, she had fell to her knees three streets away from the shack; burying her face into her grimy hands. I sat down behind her putting my hand on her back. She whipped around her hand shoving mine away.
“Oh” she gasped and stood up crossing her hands across her chest, “what do you want James?” she said. Her voice filled with anger why did I have to break up with her? Why did I have to like that fool Penny and break her heart? My mind filled with the questions that had been circulating since our nasty break up when she had found me kissing another girl.
“To apologize for all I did to you.” her face soiled with smoke and dirt and long pale lines made from tears.
“Well forgiveness is not an option” she said, spitefully turning away and beginning to stride down the narrow road.
“Wait!” she half turned then shook her head and continued down the path. I caught up with her easily, she twisted to me looking annoyed that I had trapped her so quickly
“Listen James, I don’t mean to be rude but GO AWAY!” her voice rose to a shrill scream on the last two words her face turning crimson under the layer of soot on her face.
“No” her eyes seemed to glow sliver and she screamed in frustration.
“I’m so sorry” I repeated the words I had said a million times in voicemails, texts, emails and letters. I could see her resolve melting under my cute face
“Are you really sorry?” she asked part angrily,part sadly.
“Let me prove it” I said, bravely scooping her close and kissing her. She seemed to melt into my arms her hands wrapped tightly round my neck. Then she pulled away
“How do you know you won’t break my heart again?” she said looking deep into my eyes. I scanned her face; grimy in an angular shape her eyes portraying the hurt she had been feeling for months. Her hands shook with repressed anger she felt towards me and the love she had for me.
“I swear on my life I will never hurt you again” her face melted and her lips found my once again……

Stop! Describe! Your first sentence is alright with descriptions, but then you loose that.

Next-always start a new paragraph with speech. That is grammatically correct, and make sit easier for the reader. You might want to read over, and edit your spelling and grammar.

Lastly-
This seems a little cliche. I read the first part, and was totally confirmed. No offense, but this seems like almost every other teenage fantasy novel out there. Work hard to make it original and your own.

~WickedWonder

Hello again.

Part II (James):

I watched her from a distance; arguing with her father: her black hair streaming down her back in long strands and her lilac eyes inflamed with anger towards the rebellion. I watched her stalk out of the hovel and into the still smoking street and disappear. I stood up too, following her slowly. Nobody tried to bring me back, but nobody ever had. The smoke outside the hut was toxic and oppressive weighing on my lungs.

I didn’t have to walk far to find her, she had fell to her knees three streets away from the shack; burying her face into her grimy hands. I sat down behind her, putting my hand on her back. She whipped around her hand shoving mine away.
'"Oh,” she gasped and stood up, crossing her hands across her chest.
“What do you want James?” She said, her voice filled with anger.

Why did I have to break up with her? Why did I have to like that fool Penny and break her heart? My mind filled with the questions that had been circulating since our nasty break up when she had found me kissing another girl.
“To apologize for all I did to you.” Her face was soiled with smoke and dirt and long pale lines made from falling tears.

“Well forgiveness is not an option,” she said, spitefully turning away and beginning to stride down the narrow road.

“Wait!,” she half turned then shook her head and continued down the path. I caught up with her easily, she twisted to me looking annoyed that I had trapped her so quickly.
“Listen James, I don’t mean to be rude but, GO AWAY!” Her voice rose to a shrilling scream on the last two words, her face turning crimson under the layer of soot on her face.

“No,” her eyes seemed to glow silver and she screamed in frustration.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated the words I had said a million times in voicemails, texts, e-mails and letters. I could see her resolve melting under my *cute face*.

“Are you really sorry?” She asked part angrily part sadly “let me prove it” I said, bravely scooping her close and kissing her. She seemed to melt into my arms her hands wrapped tightly round my neck. Then she pulled away.

“How do you know you won’t break my heart again?” She said looking deep into my eyes. I scanned her face; grimy in an angular shape, her eyes portraying the hurt she had been feeling for months. Her hands shook with repressed anger she felt towards me and the love she had for me.

“I swear on my life I will never hurt you again,” her face melted and her lips found my once again.

I see that you've been better with your verb tense. That's good. The puctuation though... Hasn't improved, eh? I seperated your huge paragraph, and corrected you punctuation mistakes. So good story once again, and keep writing!

-Other One

the first chapter I wrote a LONG time ago so the fire bird chapter 2 is a little more up to date

I think that you should take theotherone's advice and set your story up like that. It read's so much easier, that is actually what I read in order to make this review.

I like the description, and I like the characters. I think you could give more background on them, but for right now they are fine. I don't really like how she fell for him so fast, but what can I say, I am in the same situation with a guy and I would do the same thing.

I think if you made a flashback scene of him cheating, it would make the story more interesting. I also think tha tyou are still telling and not showing. This is very important that you learn. Other than that, keep up the good work.

-Flow-

Hey again!

Annoyingly, once again, most of what I'd suggest has already been suggested. Like before though, I'll see what I can come up with! I have to say though... I think that this review will be even shorter than the last. Enough of me blabbering though... I'll get to your review already!

I have to agree that this idea as a whole is a weeny bit cliché, like the others have said. It's the classic teenage break up scene, so I think you need to be careful of that. I won't get to touchy about it though because this is only the second chapter; you have plenty of time to un-cliché the story. I just thought I'd mention it so that you bare it in mind. That way, you'll hopefully make sure that this doesn't end up turning too cliché.

The only thing I can think of is that I'd love to see this a bit longer, with a slower pace. Right now, everything seems to be happening rather suddenly. Give time for your characters to feel emotional about what's happening. It's kind of like what I said before actually. Gah... I feel useless! My critiques for this is more or less the same as your previous chapter and prologue. I don't really want to repeat everything I said either.

Basically, you just need to take into account what us reviewers have, and will, say. You should really edit this up, including the grammatical advice you've been given. A bit of editing goes a long way! I'm ever so sorry I haven't helped much with this... I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said, or I feel is that big. If you ever need another review, let me know and it'll hopefully be better than this one!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Well, Pointe,

All the good reviews have already been done. But, if I were to say anything at all, is to compare your chapters to those you've reviewed. Try to be objective.

What do you think? Besides the fact that the formatting once again needs serious help, don't you see that everything's moving so fast?

And what do we care about these two? That he's cheated on her. We haven't seen anything from their previous relationship. All I see is that he's a cheating bas***d and that she's a gullible fool. Is that what you want us to think? Maybe you should go back a bit. Show us the relationship between them two, the tension caused by the uprising. Show us their relationship instead of telling us that it's dead and gone. Show us. That is seriously going to help your story.

I'm off to the next.
Tanya

Hey, I am back again!

First of all, before commenting on the story, I'd like to add that you should post your story in the 'Story' format we have here on YWS. It's in the edit options and then towards the down, so kindly just make it that way since it helps to read more clearly and without straining ourselves out.

The smoke outside the hut was toxic and oppressive, weighing on my lungs.

I liked this sentence a lot.

“what do you want James?” she said her voice filled with anger why did I have to break up with her?

When you're addressing some person directly, you put a comma behind their name or after.
"What's up, Lucy?"
"Gordon, I am not coming."

“I swear on my life I will never hurt you again” her face melted and her lips found my once again…

…Nice ending.

I am not going to go in depth, because most of the things I had said in the earlier post, still stands here, too. Your dialog were messed up. Sorry. But you really need to put in your efforts there the most since you are quite better from the chapter one on the descriptions. Yeah, I really liked your descriptions and they were good, if not brilliant. But I'll say that you tried and I read that you had written the chapter one long before so it's understandable the mistakes you made, but you can always edit them now.

Your words seem like a block of text probably because you don't split them up and that's the reason they seem like a big block of text. You should separate dialog from the main thing each time the speaker changes. This way it looks more professional, more clean and more smooth.

My main problem here has to be that I was so puzzled over the time period. Before I had read this, before you mentioned the email thingy, I was living in an Industrial Revolution era. Maybe because of all the soot, the area you described or something. This doesn't appear like something of this era. Try to bring in that touch.

Secondly, what was James doing at her house? You need to clear that up. Two chapters up, and I am clueless as to what is happening. It's high time you develop your characters, and story.

~Shubhi