Elephant in the Sky

So this is actually kind of a personal memory- something I VERY rarely write. But here it is- I dunno if it fully makes sense to other people though. Well thanks for reading either way.



I think I caught a dream
while laying in the grass,
a smile from the dandelions to my left,
and a laugh from the sun up above.
But the dream came from my right,
where you pointed at the
elephant in the sky.

OK! So, first review of yours, my bold will be nitpicks.

Persephoneia wrote:So this is actually kind of a personal memory- something I VERY rarely write. But here it is- I dunno if it fully makes sense to other people though. Well thanks for reading either way.



I think I caught a dream
while laying in the grass, 0.o I really like this!
a smile from the dandelions to my left,
and a laugh from the sun up above. starting to confuse me a bit... but I understand.
But the dream came from my right, ? What are trying to get across with this?
where you pointed at the
elephant in the sky.

That's really good! I really like this poem!

~dragon

This is very interesting! I love the title, truth be told it's what drew me into your poem. It may be a personal memory and the readers will love that (: I like it, it doesn't have to make sense to be neat.

Awesome!
-Soggy

Hi Persephoneia,

At first when I saw this poem, I questioned whether it would be good or not due to it's short length...but I really liked it! It's short but sweet and very creative. It may not make sense to other readers, but I think it gives us a chance to be creative. I really love the imagery in this; dandelions smiling, the sun laughing and an elephant in the sky. Love it, love, love it! It makes me think of childhood, and how a child would remember it.

Well done and best wishes for future writing!

-RedLeaf

Persephoneia wrote:So this is actually kind of a personal memory- something I VERY rarely write. But here it is- I dunno if it fully makes sense to other people though. Well thanks for reading either way.



I think I caught a dream
while laying in the grass,
a smile from the dandelions to my left,
and a laugh from the sun up above.
But the dream came from my right,
where you pointed at the
elephant in the sky.

Interesting poem you've got here. I've got some notes though:

Line 2: "laying" should by "lying". "lay" means to place in a horizontal position or position of rest, "lie" means to recline. Also, "in" should be "on".
Line 4: You hear laughter, but you never hear the sun making any sound. Here on earth, at least. This could have been justified if it all happened in a dream, but
Lines 5-7 suggest that the sun laughed (and the elephant, which may or may not be a cloud, was in the sky) before you "caught" the dream. The poem is full of dream-imagery, but all this was there before the dream even started. We don't know what the dream itself is. Also I don't know how these lines are supposed to make me feel.

Still, interesting imagery. The piece is indirect like all poems should be. Perhaps you could describe to us the nature of the dream you caught? I think that would be fun.

Keep writing!

Persephoneia wrote:So this is actually kind of a personal memory- something I VERY rarely write. But here it is- I dunno if it fully makes sense to other people though. Well thanks for reading either way.



I think I caught a dream
while laying in the grass,
a smile from the dandelions to my left,
and a laugh from the sun up above.
But the dream came from my right,
where you pointed at the
elephant in the sky.

This was interesting. I love what you are trying to convey. It is very short so that makes it a little hard to criteque but I feel that the poem had a lot of nice imagery and was very creative. It was sweet and simple. I think you could add a bit more just to make it flow a bit more. But I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep it up!
~Ballerina

First point:

Someone up there said "laying" should be "lying" - thank you, because I also always confuse those! However, that person also said that "in" should be "on" - in this case I think it's a matter of personal preference. I personally like "lying in the grass" - it feels more like the character is shielded from the outside world if they're lying IN the grass rather than ON it. Also, I think "on" connotates more of a - sorry, this must sound ridiculous - dominance over the grass, if you will, while "in" connotates more of a oneness with nature or a sense of security that comes from lying in the grass.

If that makes sense.

My main point is that the first two lines have a definite rhythm while the rest of the poem didn't. While this doesn't REALLY matter, it makes the lines fit better together if they all either have or do not have definite rhythm rather than some of them having it and some of them lacking. Although I realize that you probably just wrote the first two lines without thinking about giving them rhythm. And like I said, technically it doesn't matter anyway (and I could criticize some of my own poems for the same thing, so...Tu quoque!

But all in all, I really liked it. Great imagery. Yes, it's a personal experience, so I can't really understand it - but it didn't stop me from liking it!

~Blue

@blue Africa: I guess you're right about the in-on confusion. And about the rhythm...

I think I caught a dream
while laying in the grass,
a smile from the dandelions to my left,
and a laugh from the sun up above.
But the dream came from my right,
where you pointed at the
elephant in the sky.

Lines 1 and 2 are set in iambic trimeter. Lines 6-7 have six syllables each but are not set to any rhythm. Since the poem is written in free verse, I suppose syllable counting would work, i.e. giving each line 6-7 syllables? In this case lines 3 and 4 are irregular.

I didn't really understand the poem either, but the overall effect is good. I just think it would be better if we were allowed to enter its world somewhat. To speak in this poem's terms, the dream came from my right, but it whizzed right past me. We readers need to catch the dream too! xD