Travel Along

Travel in space see what’s in store,
The atmosphere greets us with pleasure.
Melodies soaring and whispering behind us,
A lunacy fringe caught in motion.

Fortress of lonesome octaves,
Captivated by a musicians soul.
Drowned in skies and misled by suicide,
A dreamers life so soon departures.

Flights of pixie dust through melted notes,
Live for tomorrow as we shall once die.
Fairy Tale magic comes and goes,
And so did I thanks to this overdose.

I didn't like the first line. It didn't seem to fit.

"Fairly Tale magic comes and goes"

I think you meant "fairy tale"

Otherwise, I really liked it. I especially liked the rest of the first stanza.

Yeah I did mean ''Fairy Tale'' LOL

nymore comments ??

wow i like this its got very pretty imagery.

its weird cause it seems quite pretty, almost flowery in some places but it talks about suicide etc.

just one thing: by departures, did you mean departs? i may be wrong there. its your poem so only you know what its supposed to be.

here is my favourite bit:

Fortress of lonesome octaves,
Captivated by a musicians soul.

keep it up!!

~KayJuran~

Right, down to business!

Travel in space see what’s in store,

OK, problem here is that you need a comma after "space" to make the sentance grammatical - try saying it out loud with no pause doesn't work.

The atmosphere greets us with pleasure.

This sentance is.. well, it's a bit nothing: one line sentances that don't really say a lot tend to break up the flow rather than adding to the poem. I'd try and hook it onto the one after, make one slightly longer sentance.

Melodies soaring and whispering behind us,
A lunacy fringe caught in motion.

First line is good, second is absolutely excellent: my only niggle is that it probably should be "lunatic" rather than "lunacy." In general, however, that line knocked my poetic senses for six; good job.

Fortress of lonesome octaves,

Good.

Captivated by a musicians soul.

Good, but should be "musician's." The problem here is because the overall sentance ("Fortress of lonesome octaves,/Captivated by a musicians soul.") doesn't really a complete sentance; I think maybe just adding "A" at the beginning would sort it out. Again, you might want to consider running it on to join the next sentance.

Drowned in skies and misled by suicide,
A dreamers life so soon departures.

Hmmm.... Bob's cliche sensor just bleeped: I think these images have probably been used too many times in poetry already; it's not that you haven't worded it well, just that it doesn't seem fresh.

Flights of pixie dust through melted notes,
Live for tomorrow as we shall once die.

First one's pretty good, second is... acceptable just about - it *is* a cliche, but you've reworded it so it doesn't seem so bad.

Fairy Tale magic comes and goes,
And so did I thanks to this overdose.

I don't like the ending. In fact, I pretty much hate it. The first line isn't too horrible, but the last line... it just destroys everything you've built up though the poem: the sense of wonder, awe, of magic and possibilities. I know you're trying to bring the reader back down to earth, but this isn't even dark: it's just unfunny in a bad way. By all means, give it a depressing ending, but not this: it's soul-destroying in a poem with as much potential as this one.

Overall, I reckon you've got a pretty good thing going here: I've seen the topic before, but your poem didn't strike me as angsty or just a repeat or anything like that, so you're way in the good money. Your grammar needs sorting, but that's OK; the use of rhythm and punctuation was good, but not spectacular - I think you could make more breaks in the middle of lines, more run-ons, that sort of thing. Not every line has to end with a comma or full-stop; not every line has to start with a capital letter; these are all things you can experiment with.

Right well, I'd say I liked it, generally speaking. Good job; definitely worth working on and redrafting, in my opinion.

this was beautiful...up into the very last line. it was jolted and sort of awkward, like it didn't belong in this poem. i GOT it, but i just think that you should rephrase it.

the best part:

Flights of pixie dust through melted notes,

this feels...high, i suppose. =]

Hi Chandni,

I haven't bought into this poem yet. This is only so-so on its own terms. Its principal fault is that it jumps around bigtime (from space-travel to music) and one has to be smarter and more creative than the writer to make something of it. Also, much resembles a return to square one to restart (space-travel and music). That is not good. If you had been developing a metaphor, then it would be fine to carry it through; however, as it is, I see this more as prose than poetry. Other than stanza breaks, you really lack poetic devices such as voice, meter, and imagery. Try focusing your attention on something other than suicide. Nobody cares if you took a bunch of pills and died.

Best of luck,
Brad

Hi Chandni,

I haven't bought into this poem yet. This is only so-so on its own terms. Its principal fault is that it jumps around bigtime (from space-travel to music) and one has to be smarter and more creative than the writer to make something of it. Also, much resembles a return to square one to restart (space-travel and music). That is not good. If you had been developing a metaphor, then it would be fine to carry it through; however, as it is, I see this more as prose than poetry. Other than stanza breaks, you really lack poetic devices such as voice, meter, and imagery. Try focusing your attention on something other than suicide. Nobody cares if you took a bunch of pills and died.

Best of luck,
Brad

urghhhh....why does ''overdose'' make you think about suicide !?!?!? its not..... jeeezzz