Remember that? (Opinions Wanted)

Ok... wrote this in 10 minutes.. haven't had a chance to edit yet.. Tell me what you think? I have a tough skin... not gunna be offended by anything you say.



Do you remember
Your first rejection?
The gut-wrenching pain
That cultivated in the
Dwellings of your stomach.
The searing twang of fuzziness
As you tried your hardest
Not to cry.
You felt all of your pride rush
Out of your body
Spirol out
Like a tornado torn
Through your insides
Spewing every living,
Breathing feeling you
Could possibly posess
In your heart,
Your intestines, liver,
Even your bowels.
And when you finally
Picked yourself up
And escaped the cyclone
You tried again
In a different town,
A different place
The storm followed you
Everywhere you went.

Ok I'm no good at saying bad things or making spelling corrections but hey, you wanted comments!

I liked this piece. I got alot of what your saying. The flow seemed a bit off. I'm not sure exactly where it is but try re-reading this piece to figure out wheree it is.

Thanks!

My problem with this is that it's too simple. I get what you're saying because I know how all of this feels being a writer and all, but I felt like you were just kind of saying, "Oh, remember this? Yeah, that was good/bad," without making us really reminisce or pulling us back into that memory. This is a writing site, so of course everyone here can relate, so if you expand this more, a lot of people are going to be able to click this in their heads as something they really relate to. So my only real advice is to just expand on this, and put a good spin to it to give it some momentum.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

cade3lit wrote:Do you remember
Your first writing piece?
You know, that one about the frog This is what is called over describing. We don't need the further connection.
You ran to your room
And demanded she read it
When she finished
She would smile
And the pure satisfaction You're saying this too directly and redundently. You don't need to mention any sort of satisfaction because if that smile kept you going, that implies that or shows in it in a sense.
Of that smile
Kept you writing

Do you remember
Your first rejection? Why does this matter, you're not really moving off the topic of "You know when I was younger..." Which is uninteresting, why do these things matter? How do they relate to today besides what we can think of. and that's not good. You need to give this a path to follow.
How they told you that
Everything was constructive criticism
But you knew they were
Just being mean
So you ran to your room
Cried for hours
And vowed to never write again Not everyone has done this. You're kinda being so personal that it's just no fun. Nothing is left to the imagination and you're not showing how this all happens. What importance is it? There's nothing to relate to. .

Do you remember
Your first published work?
The way it worked on
The print of The Berkshire Eagle, Again still too direct and over descript.
Highlights Magazine, or that poetry book
You have to send away for[b] this is a cool idea, but can't you better say this; In a far less conscious way, something more abstract. Try to use some similes or metaphors.
The feeling of pride
That overfills your body
And once again
Kept you writing Even you consider it to be tiresome, with saying "Once again". I just find that funny, is all. Maybe you're better at spotting your own mistakes than you thought.

Do you remember
All those nights of writers block?
Staring at the wall
Wondering why you
Couldn’t think of something
To write
Feeling you weren’t a writer
If you often got writers block. Refer to above.

Do you remember
All those times you quit
But always bounced back again?
That feeling of accomplishment
That always brought you back
To your writing. Refer to above. And a new comment, the feeling of accomplishment is what can be called blank description. Blank description is when it doesn't really tell us anything, it's mostly for subjective concepts and emotions, stuff like that. It doesn't tell us anything without helping lines.

Do you feel your pure
Passion for writing in your blood? What does that feel like? Again, black description.
Because even when you feel
Like you could quit
You always know
You’ll come back to it

Over all:
There's not much movement between remember this, blah blah blah. You should also try to focus on how that relates to the real world.
Poems can be like essays, they have flow, all the ideas support and back up the main ideas. And it all overplays into your over all message. This is like nothing but main ideas, and one or two details to it, not actions or releations to it, it's no good.

That above also covers description, making relations to the real world. To expalin how something happens or how it is like to experiance it. Similes and metaphors help here.

And poems can be like essays. All stanzas with their main ideas / ideas have to support and back up what you're trying to say. If they describe something near it, or a useless piece of an image, such as a plane in a poem about the sky and the cloud's beauty, but mentoning that it does something to the clouds is okay because it is describing something that happens to your subject. but if you went off and describe the plane and it's thoughts on the clouds would be a bit usless.

That's about it, PM me with any concerns.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Okay so I changed the whole poem basically... It is a lot different although not perfect seeing as how I have once again only written this in a mere ten minutes and have not edited. I do believe this version is better than the last but still needs work. Opinions encouraged! haha thanks a lot everyone.~Kelsey