Gone

Bit belated, considering how freakin' cold it is already. But, here it is.


-------------------------
Summer’s gone,
and the birds’ sweet calls
have been replaced
with the chirping of rain on
a rusted tin roof,
and the sloshing sound of
muddy rubber rainboots
hitting the puddles on my way to school.
And how much sweeter those sounds are.


First poem with formatting in it. Not sure about the last line, nor the word "hitting" in the second to last line. Anything thoughts?


Thanks for reading!

Persephoneia wrote:Summer’s gone,
and the birds’ sweet calls
have been replaced
with the chirping of rain on I like how you reversed chirping and sweet calls. It's a bit different and it's more interesting, although, I don't believe that rain hitting a tin roof would chirp. That's kind of unrealistic. Maybe if you made more relation as to rain being the birds or something that flies. It could be better understood in a different sense, but as for what you have here, it cannot.
a rusted tin roof,
and the sloshing sound of
muddy rubber rainboots Rain boots are usually made out of rubber, so rubber is not needed.
hitting the puddles on my way to school. Hitting works okay, it describes it. But maybe it's not in the way you wanted it to? Maybe you could use a smilie or metaphor, that might better show this action. Rather than just simply stating the rain hit puddles. You could say something like: The rain is a homerun, hit from the clouds, then cought in puddle mitts. Something that can better show how this works.
And how much sweeter those sounds are.[b] How much sweeter than what? I don't think this line is needed. It does not show anything and it even suggests that you've left some things out, and if you have no, then absolutly, lose this line.


First poem with formatting in it. Not sure about the last line, nor the word "hitting" in the second to last line. Anything thoughts?
Thanks for reading!

It's good that you're questioning your work, that is very important towards selfimprovement. Some other questions you can ask are: Does this line help convey my message? Is it needed? Does it match all aspects of what I am trying to say, such as number and tense and all that good stuff. And a lot of other questions like that can help.

Overall:
Your story thing is alright. It has ideas to follow but they're all unrelated except for their subject; the rain. What does the tin roof have to do with the puddles on the ground, or the rain even. Besides it's sound when being hit by it. What significance is it to your poem? I don't think it really has any and it's just filler, in a sense.

And it could do you better to try and add some smilies or metaphors, or maybe personification. Some sort of poetic device that you can use to help better show your ideas rather than simply stating them.
The rain hits the puddles, how? Is it a forceful torrent of rain or is it a light drizzle? Define and describe these kinds of things to help make a better impression on your reader. On top of that, it would even be more interesting and relatable.

And that's one thing makes a good poem good, when you can relate to it and understand it. That's all I think that you really need.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1

with the chirping of rain
on a rusted tin roof,

I think the omission of "of" works better; more direct and gives the rain a character. In addition, moving "on" to the next line echoes the placement of "gone", which I think strengthens the emphasis of both words and gives the formatting a bit more cohesion. In addition, changing the specific roof to the more general rooves would fit in better with the generalized nouns in the rest of the poem.

muddy rubber rainboots

Nixing "rain" makes this line flow more smoothly to my ear.

I actually like the use of "hitting" in the second to last line. I've also got no objections to the last line.

Overall, this was a pretty solid little poem. I liked the use of formatting; it was present, but not overpowering, which was very nice. I think you could play with the enjambment a little more; in particular, I think the fifth and sixth lines would be better broken at "on rusted tin rooves, and / the sloshing sound of", but that's more personal preference than anything.

Persephoneia wrote:Bit belated, considering how freakin' cold it is already. But, here it is.


-------------------------
Summer’s gone,
and the birds’ sweet calls
have been replaced
with the chirping of rain on
a rusted tin roof,
and the sloshing sound of
muddy rubber rainboots- describe the rainboots more. What color are they? Size?
hitting the puddles on my way to school. I like the use of hitting here. It adds imagery.
And how much sweeter those sounds are. Compare them to something. What are they sweeter than?

First poem with formatting in it. Not sure about the last line, nor the word "hitting" in the second to last line. Anything thoughts?


Thanks for reading!

Overall, I liked this poem. The theme is nice and it has a very homey feel to it. Great job!
~ballerina