End of the Year Thoughts

At the end of the school year, last year, when I was in 9th grade, my English teacher told us we had to answer a single question. I chose to answer: "What part/characteristic/etc. has changed the most about you since the beginning of the year?" So..this was my reply, which I did through a poem.

I feel more comfortable in my own
skin now.
That's what high school does to you;
that's what friends do to you.
I can now go around parading
"CreativeFreak."
I can now go around parading
Patricia Vasquez.
I used to feel at though I was lost
in all these triats,
habits,
things
of which I could not seem to sort through,
could not make my own.

But now, it is as if a huge storm came by,
just for me,
to cleanse me of all my struggles.

And all I feel now is thankful
and
yearning for more - for more of this to last.

CreativeFreak wrote:I feel more comfortable in my own
skin now. Describe this, not every knows what that is like.
That's what high school does to you;
that's what friends do to you. This is too direct. Try to say this a different way, like in a way that could show that high school does this. I've never felt like that so I cannot even suggest something, but good luck though.
I can now go around parading
"CreativeFreak." Why does this matter? This is the result of being able to feel comfortable in your own skin? Rudely stating what you believe yourself to be, all the time? I know you don't mean it like that, but when you parade around, it's usually not enjoyable for others. That's quite a different change from feeling under compfortable with yourself to being proud of yourself. Where's the transition? What even makes you do this? There's no action to follow.
I can now go around parading
Patricia Vasquez. Same as above.
I used to feel at though I was lost
in all these triats, What traits? How were you feeling lost? Where is the transition between all of this? And there's still no action or anything to keep track of. This is all indepenedent ideas based around one year, but they don't really connect except for their underlying levels, which you do not even touch on.
habits, What habits? We need to be able to relate to these kinds of things. Otherwise this is a boring piece of impossible to understand strings of words. They have no point and no connection, you need to correct this. Try making ways in which these mentioned ideas realte to the real world. Perhaps through action or objects. Similes and metaphors work too.
things
of which I could not seem to sort through,
could not make my own. this is okay, how does this work though?

But now, it is as if a huge storm came by, This is out of place, since it goes against the othe- Oh wait, it's your only piece of imagery.
just for me,
to cleanse me of all my struggles What struggles? You haven't mentioned anything, this is what can be called blank descripting; it doesn't really tell us anything.

And all I feel now is thankful
and Drop the first "and", you don't need it. And drop the second for more. They're not needed, they're redendent.
yearning for more - for more of this to last.

Over all:
You need flow and more closely related ideas. They will give a more easily understood chain of events; that can really help you get your point across.
You really need some imagery, the relations and connections between these ideas and the real world. Poems can be like an essay. They all need to support your main ideas. Do these lines support what you're trying to say?
And be sure to make sure that how ever you back these ideas up, make sure they fit togeather, that your comparasons match up in all apects, such as number of objects and things like that too.

Another problem is that you didn't have the correct motions, I think. That go between feeling very out of place to feeling okay and wanting more. What are the stages between this? How can you show them through action or smilie or metaphor, and tie that togeather into a story poem thing.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Silented was pretty darn thorough. He doesn't leave me much to say. There is one thing though that he didn't address that I feel needs pointing out, and that is your enjambment.

Where you break your lines has a huge impact on your poem not just visually, but also flow-wise. Whenever your reader reaches the end of a line, there is a minute pause as their eyes dart down to the next line. Although this pause is so very brief, it is still a pause, and having a badly-placed pause can really ruin the flow. Take the first two lines for instance:

I feel more comfortable in my own
skin now.

The pause after "own" is just unnatural. A better placement for the line break might be after "in" or even "comfortable". Compare, both visually and flow-wise, this version:

I feel more comfortable
in my own skin now.

Not only does it look better because the lines are more even in length, but the pause also feels more natural, with the word "comfortable" being subtly emphasized since it is at the end of the line.

I suggest you play around with your enjambment, find combinations that are more attractive visually and flow-wise. Right now, your enjambment detracts from the poem rather than enhances it.

CreativeFreak wrote:At the end of the school year, last year, when I was in 9th grade, my English teacher told us we had to answer a single question. I chose to answer: "What part/characteristic/etc. has changed the most about you since the beginning of the year?" So..this was my reply, which I did through a poem.

I feel more comfortable in my own
skin now.
That's what high school does to you;
that's what friends do to you.- I love these first three lines. They are very true. For isn't High School where you become who you are going to be in most cases?
I can now go around parading
"CreativeFreak."
I can now go around parading
Patricia Vasquez.
I used to feel at though I was lost
in all these triats, - it is spelt "traits"
habits,
things
of which I could not seem to sort through,
could not make my own.

But now, it is as if a huge storm came by,
just for me,
to cleanse me of all my struggles.
- I like this part but it seems to be worded a bit strange for me.

And all I feel now is thankful
and
yearning for more - for more of this to last.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. This poem has an impact on the people who read it. Great job.
~Ballerina

Great job, i enjoyed reading the poem

"At though"? Don't forget to fix this.

Good. But, it seem's like you would have to be close friends with you to understand it. Help the reader understand it better, give it more detail and feeling. Other than that I think its good(:

well i don't have any long-winded suggestions of advice, i just thought it was a cool poem