Young Writers Society

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' they say,
But you they have not viewed,

Your sleek curves, your slanted eyes,
The sense of menace you exude.

You hug the ground as you turn with ease,
Growling that glorious note,

So superior, your pedigree breeding,
Your flawless style, your shiny red coat.

You are my sun, my moon, my morning light,
You are the only one for me,

But you and I, we're not allowed,
This love is not to be.

Hmm. Interesting. Excellent in the sense that it makes me think. You don't mean bestiality, do you? Or possibly love of a shiny red car? But then, eye of the beholder. Humor and brevity. I am confused, bemused and entertained. I like it. Oh, and if you'd like to enlighten me on what this is actually about, that would be delightful.

carelessaussie13 wrote:Hmm. Interesting. Excellent in the sense that it makes me think. You don't mean bestiality, do you? Or possibly love of a shiny red car? But then, eye of the beholder. Humor and brevity. I am confused, bemused and entertained. I like it. Oh, and if you'd like to enlighten me on what this is actually about, that would be delightful.

I'm glad you like it It's not bestiality, it is actually a car. It's about a Ferrari 458 Italia that I can't afford...

I'm guessing this is on the subject of a car or motorcycle or something?
Unless you're talking about a dog (shining red coat, all I can think of is Shiloh), then that's just awkward. XD
Correct me, please, if I'm wrong.

While it's cool that you're representing something, that doesn't mean you can neglect the actual words. The lines were made up of common words, and just that.

Also, the flow was a bit odd. "Your flawless style, your shiny red coat" I'd delete the second 'your'. You have to make sure the words don't mess up with beat.

Keep writing

KatTrain wrote:I'm guessing this is on the subject of a car or motorcycle or something?
Unless you're talking about a dog (shining red coat, all I can think of is Shiloh), then that's just awkward. XD
Correct me, please, if I'm wrong.

While it's cool that you're representing something, that doesn't mean you can neglect the actual words. The lines were made up of common words, and just that.

Also, the flow was a bit odd. "Your flawless style, your shiny red coat" I'd delete the second 'your'. You have to make sure the words don't mess up with beat.

Keep writing

It is a car, don't worry lol.

Does the common not work? I was sort of aiming (not very successfully obv) for the dichotomy of common and superior between me and the 458...

Hey there! This is a great poem. I like it a lot. I have some suggestions though. These are my opinions though. You can do with them how ever you wish. You are the writer and you know the point you want to convey and how you want to convey it. You are not wrong at all.

Izzye wrote:Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say
But you they have not viewed

First, I'd start it with quotations. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." And I would add more punctuations.

Izzye wrote:Your sleek curves, your slanted eyes
The sense of menace you exude

You hug the ground as you turn with ease
Growling that glorious note

So superior, your pedigree breeding
Your flawless style, your shiny red coat

You are my sun, my moon, my morning light
You are the only one for meI love this stanza. This would have to be one of my favorite.

But you and I, we're not allowed,
This love is not to be

I like the ending as well even though it is sad and depressing. Overall, this is a great poem. I just think you should add smoe more punctuations. You did an awesome job and you are an amazing writer.

Keep writing!

~Dannielle~

Haha I love it!!! Totally awesome! Maybe at the end instead of "This love is not to be" change to "This love may never be"
"May" gives it hope...so it's not depressing, but still follows what you wrote.

DannielleLovesong wrote:Hey there! This is a great poem. I like it a lot. I have some suggestions though. These are my opinions though. You can do with them how ever you wish. You are the writer and you know the point you want to convey and how you want to convey it. You are not wrong at all.

Izzye wrote:Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say
But you they have not viewed

First, I'd start it with quotations. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." And I would add more punctuations.

Izzye wrote:Your sleek curves, your slanted eyes
The sense of menace you exude

You hug the ground as you turn with ease
Growling that glorious note

So superior, your pedigree breeding
Your flawless style, your shiny red coat

You are my sun, my moon, my morning light
You are the only one for meI love this stanza. This would have to be one of my favorite.

But you and I, we're not allowed,
This love is not to be

I like the ending as well even though it is sad and depressing. Overall, this is a great poem. I just think you should add smoe more punctuations. You did an awesome job and you are an amazing writer.

Keep writing!

~Dannielle~

Thanks, yeah I'll fix the punctuation; I was pretty ill and delusional when I was writing this and the punctuation started confusing me so I just ignored it XD

Matthews wrote:Haha I love it!!! Totally awesome! Maybe at the end instead of "This love is not to be" change to "This love may never be"
"May" gives it hope...so it's not depressing, but still follows what you wrote.

Thankyou
I take your point, but it was kinna meant to be without hope... Unless I suddenly have £200,000 spare...