Rainy encounters

Spoiler

Story I wrote some time ago. I just finished it up and ... *shrugs* It was actually the intro to a novella I was going to write but never did

Rain fell from the darkened sky as piercing drops. A man stood in an open area wearing darkness that unexplainably contrasted the blackness engulfing the cemetery. A growl emitted from the swollen clouds above and a few seconds later a flash of burning white outlined the floating grey beings.


The man’s pale complexion was brightened by the light for a few quick seconds; a pasty white complexion with dark grey tunnels for eyes, under which purpling shadows of insomnia lurked, and two pale pink and chapped lips. His black hair stood limp and a strand fell into his face as he descended on his knees but he ignored the slight but infuriatingly annoying discomfort.


The man now stood on his knees that were hidden by his dress pants, in front of a cemented grave. His long fingers ran over the engravings on the tombstone, murmuring the words under his breath. A crooked smile adorned his lips and he allowed a chuckle to slip through.


“Things have been pretty good at the hospital mom…” The man began what seemed like the impossible; a hearty report on his day. A pink tongue darted out of his mouth, moistening his lips and he let out a shaky breath before smiling shyly and continuing in a manner different from his aura.


“I’m having some trouble paying my landlord. The bastard’s probably going to throw me out anyway so I don’t see why I’m bothering. Working in the clinic is something you always wanted to do…so even if the pay is practically nothing and the hours are long and drawn out...I’m going to do it!” The man paused, looking determinedly at the tombstone as if expecting it to retaliate and chide him in a motherly selfless fashion. The man smiled bitterly at the thought but continued with his speech.


“I wish you were around... I’d probably find a better job to support the two of us.If it weren't for that man…” he paused in the sentence as the grey of his eyes flashed dangerously and his pale white knuckles paled impossibly as he clenched them, breathing in sharp breaths. After a few seconds his figure relaxed and he finished his blog stiffly.


“I wish I could have done more as a child for you.” As he finished his sentence his figure drooped and his facial expression contorted to a look of helplessness and regret.


A lone tear fell on the dirt encrusted cement blending in with the raindrops. The man got to his feet slowly and took a few seconds to look at the grave silently before brushing the dirt off his pants and turning, intent on heading towards the house his landlord was possibly going to kick him out of soon.


The man’s thoughts focused on the situation momentarily. What was he going to do? His thoughts immediately changed directions when he noted a lady standing behind him dressed in pink professional suit holding a simple black umbrella over her head daintily. She didn’t smile despite her aura and instead focused her almond shaped, dazzling blue eyes on the man standing before her.


“Candrice…” the man muttered bitterly despite his surprised countenance.

“Jay,” she replied stiffly.

“Oh! What is this? My sister…here to visit my- OUR mother? Well…I didn’t think the signs of the apocalypse would be this obvious,” the man said sarcastically in a monotone voice.

Candrice sneered. “Is it hard to believe I’m here to visit OUR mother?”

“No. I’m just waiting for the pigs to fly, the politicians to stop lying and all discrimination to end.”

“This coming from the man that’s about to be thrown out of his house by his landlord.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“No it probably isn’t. It’s the drug dealer’s business isn’t it?” she asked smirking knowingly.

The man visibly stiffened before he clenched his fists, eyes flashing dangerously and replying. “I don’t need to explain myself to you so do me a favour and find someone else to bother!”

“Oh? So you HAVEN’T finished paying off your debt?”

“Shut up-”

“Maybe if you hadn’t done drugs-“

Smack! The man’s fist collided with Candrice’s arm. She was as fast as a woman of her age could be after growing up with so many brothers.


“You’re going to get angry at me for YOUR failures?” she hissed, pushing his hands away and pulling her own back.


Jay growled but stood in his place. It wasn’t that he didn't know. He never blamed anyone else for his regrets. Never. He was paying the price for his own actions. That was why he came everyday to the cemetery. Every day he bowed before his mother’s tomb, waiting for a sign that she had forgiven him. Candrice would never understand that.


“Don’t go anywhere near Mother’s grave! Her tomb is sacred and your satanic way will do nothing but corrupt her. In other words, you’re not worthy enough,” He said with a sneer. Candrice opened her mouth to reply but Jay walked past her swiftly. He had no time for their silly arguments. He still needed to find a new place to live.


“Father is dead.”


Candrice had been the one to say it but Jay hadn’t acknowledged the speaker yet. Instead the word ‘Father’ and ‘Dead’ rang through his mind, piercing his thoughts, pausing his decided movements. An odd rush of bitter happiness rolled through his body but was then replaced by guilt. Guilt he did not deserve to feel. It was at that moment that Jay resorted to one of his childhood escapes. He closed up and stopped his emotions.


“And who is he to me?” Jay said gruffly as he continued his movements. He would feel no sorrow, no pain. He would feel nothing.

Hello there Welcome to YWS!

Rain fell from the darkened sky as piercing drops. I think that you were trying to create an illusion here but this sentence is incomplete or it sounds funny...I don't know. Maybe you should try

The rain fell from the darkened sky (as piercing drops)(That's the funny bit I was talking about is. Try rephrasing it. Put a full stop after "sky" and start a new sentence.).

I absolutely like the way you used your imagery in the first paragraph. I like how you linked the darkness from the rain to everything else. Your sentences though, need a lot of work. You need to punctuate more, let the reader breathe. Don't shove all of your ideas into one sentence. Also, as the story continues, you seem to use "The man" a lot, which is sort of annoying and boring. Try and vary the situation, or give him name after the first paragraph. Otherwise it seems like I'm reading what "the man" is doing from a list, very disjointed.
A very interesting plot, however. You describe your situations very well. I quite enjoyed the story.

Keep writing and PM me for anything.

This story took my interest so I’ve decided to review it.

Rain fell from the darkened sky as piercing drops. – The weather isn’t worth this. Rain usually falls from a ‘darkened sky’, so it would be worth mentioning if it was different from this. Otherwise, if it doesn’t add to the description, then drop it. But many people chose to write about the weather in an opening to ‘set the scene’ or as symbolism, which means it’s been done to death. Stand out. Write an opening that can only belong to your story. And maybe even start closer to where the action starts.

wearing darkness that unexplainably contrasted the blackness – This doesn’t make sense. I know you say ‘unexplainably’, but that just doesn’t hold. If he’s wearing black and its night, they won’t be seen – there is no contrast. Using imagery is always better than reasoning, so look further into what you’re picturing and maybe even compromise with it, but make sure it’s possible to picture. That way it will be stronger.

The man – You’ve used this a fair bit in paragraph starters alone. Variation engages readers more, so a little tweak could go a long way.

pale complexion was brightened.... a pasty white complexion – First of all, repetition of the word ‘complexion’. Always try and avoid repletion unless it means something. Next up, you say he’s got a pale complexion, and then you simply reiterate. Maybe if you said his face was illuminated you could go on to mention his complexion, but you’ve already said it once. It doesn’t add so drop it.

And lastly, ‘brightened’ isn’t quite the right word here. I used ‘illuminated’ instead, as it means to shine light on and make visible, where as you’ve mentioned his paleness which makes ‘brightened’ mean the shade of colour (as in being an even brighter white) and less of light revealing his features. It’s a bit like how using a thesaurus can find words that sort of mean the same thing but are not entirely equal. Let me know if this doesn’t make sense. I’ll happily explain again or in more depth any point that I have made.

descended on his knees – This suggests he’s already on his knees and is descending, maybe in a lift or hobbling down some stairs. For all I know, that’s what you really meant, but if not, I think you were looking for ‘descending to his knees.

The man now stood on his knees – This has been said in the paragraph before. Reiterating sounds like a mistake.

A crooked smile adorned his lips and he allowed a chuckle to slip through. – I love the first half of the line but ‘allowed a chuckle to slip through’ seems slightly robotic. That’s just my opinion, and if it’s part of his character then in a way it’s perfect.

he paused in the sentence – something like this has a better pace when it’s a little more choppy than technical. It’s why there’s the slight cliché of ‘he paused mid-sentence’

and his pale white knuckles paled impossibly – Yeah, this doesn’t make sense. The impossibly is back, and you know how I feel about the repetition of pale. =]

finished his blog – A blog is an online diary... this sounds more like a answering phone message.

he paused in the sentence as the grey of his eyes flashed dangerously as he clenched them, breathing in sharp breaths. After a few seconds his figure relaxed and he stiffly.

A lone tear fell on the dirt encrusted cement blending in with the raindrops. The man got to his feet slowly and took a few seconds to look at the grave silently before brushing the dirt off his pants and turning – These are disjointed actions. Usually people are capable of multi-tasking, and with all these little tasks you lose the drama and form a list instead. Integrate. Have a tear drop as the man stands, staring intently one last time at the marble monument.

immediately, pink professional, simple black, daintily, almond, dazzling blue – Adding more adverbs and adverbs (known as modifiers) doesn’t add more interest. Each time you use one, you’re really saying ‘hey reader, put your focus here’, so they work well when you have a single important focus, not every other noun or verb. Instead, use specific nouns and verbs along with some imagery to help build your image. When introducing a new character, I would recommending picking one distinct feature. You can add more in time, slipping them in here and there when you can.
I’ve read the rest and it really is a great story, but if you’re going to improve this, I think I’ve given you enough to work with. I hope this helps and good luck with your writing.

I like your imagination, like how you say.... "Rain fell from the darkened sky as piercing drops" your story is very interesting and very descriptive I like how you explain the colours and feelings in your story it realy creates the mood and vibe of it all. well done keep the good work up