Young Writers Society

Life goes on
slowly but surely
painful at times
good at others
at times we wonder
when will it end
and at others
we hope it will never end
life is short
although thought to be long
live it to the fullest
and always go on

asweeney1919 wrote:Life goes on
slowly but surely
painful at times
good at others
at times we wonder
when will it end
and at others
we hope it will never end
life is short
although thought to be long
live it to the fullest
and always go on

All I can actually say is that you need more puncuation. I see none in this. Overall, the poem is wordy... That's not really good... It has good potential. Just needs some tweaking. Hope this helped out.
~Ladypurple

asweeney1919 wrote:Life goes on
slowly but surely Kinda cliche, can't you better show this with some sort of relation to the real world. Something like: Life goes on like a freshly derailed train. Something that shows us how things happen. Rather than boringly state that it goes on.
painful at times
good at others Painful how? And what is good? Whatever I consider it? How am I supposed to relate to that? Good is what is sometimes called blank description, it describes what is happening but only to you, it has no real definition to what is happening.
at times we wonder
when will it end So, you from from pain to good to death / pain. A better order for that is good pain pain or pain pain good. Depending on where you go with this poem. And what is making you wonder when it will end? Is life too crappy? Are you just in a philosphical mood? How am I supposed to relate? This is for the whole poem pretty much.
and at others
we hope it will never end
life is short
although thought to be long
live it to the fullest
and always go on

Over all:
Your flow is okay, it's just back and forth it will be this or will be that. Which is just boring.

Also, you don't have anything going on, you're just examining things. And describing it in a very vague way. Which is boring because there's nothing for us to enjoy. No infrencing to figure out and no story to follow, no actions to entertain us, even.

You should describe things, how they happened, what happened, give us action for us to have the reaction like life is short, sometimes its good. Something that would make me think when will it all end. Similes and metaphors help here a lot, they give a relation to the real world. It could make it more understandable and more powerfull emotionally.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Wow! A very true and well done piece. A little punctuation and capitilization would complete this! I've written a poem about life (or rather, its opposite) and I don't like it nearly as much as this one. Great job and please keep writing! Let me know when you make more work!