Young Writers Society

I was ready to leave,
Nothing was what I'd ever achieve.

My reflection painful to look at,
My thighs always a little too fat,
My dark taste brought on countless names,
Till' my only walk was that of shame.

I got myself ready to end the pain,
To take the pills and stop my brain,
The end was far too near,
Yet I was ready to die without a single fear.

And just in time you came,
And re-ignited my heart's dying flame.

You held me close with loving care,
And admitted to me that life wasn't fair,
But you said you could give me something to live for,
And your sweet kindness was impossible to ignore.

I let you in and you saved my life,
Filling me with thoughts of one day becoming your wife,
And the following words are easily true,
That I know what I want and I've fallen for you.

Hello! I really like this poem and its message, particularly the end. At first I wasn't sure about the rhyming because it sounds a little too happy for the beginning of the poem, but as the poem does get happier, I think the kind of bounce the rhyming gives is appropriate.

Just a couple of things then - rhyming, and flow. For the most part, the rhyming is okay, it's just here: "Nothing was what I'd ever achieve." The way you have worded this makes it a little awkward and confusing to read. I know what you mean by it, but try not to sacrifice your sentence structure for the sake of rhyming - control the poem, don't let it control you! So perhaps you could think of another way to word this while still making it rhyme, for example "I didn't think there was anything I'd ever achieve." Or something like that - it still rhymes, and makes sense.

And now flow. Again, it's mostly fine, but there are some lines that seem a little long compared to the rest of the lines and this can break your flow a bit. Try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean. For example, this line: "Filling me with thoughts of one day becoming your wife," is very long compared to the rest of the stanza. Counting syllables and making your lines all have roughly the same amount can help with this.

And that's it! Great poem, great message, just fix a couple of things and everything about it will be great.

DisturbedDisorder wrote:I was ready to leave,
Nothing was what I'd ever achieve.

My reflection painful to look at,
My thighs always a little too fat,
My dark taste brought on countless names,
Till' my only walk was that of shame.

I got myself ready to end the pain,
To take the pills and stop my brain,
The end was far too near,
Yet I was ready to die without a single fear.

And just in time you came,
And re-ignited my heart's dying flame.

You held me close with loving care,
And admitted to me that life wasn't fair,
But you said you could give me something to live for,
And your sweet kindness was impossible to ignore.

I let you in and you saved my life,
Filling me with thoughts of one day becoming your wife,
And the following words are easily true,
That I know what I want and I've fallen for you.

Hi Matt Bellamy.
Firstly, I would like to say that this poem is very beautiful.
I can tell how you feel, i was in a similar situation but it didn't end very well.
I love the rhyme, it adds a sort of haunting, yet beautiful aura about it.
Over all i enjoyed reading it!
Keep on writing,
Chynel.

This poem is really cool-i really love the message and the concept.
I particularly like the second stanza-very good choice of words and it has a nice rhythm. keep writing!

This poem was really good. I like the rhythm and the lyrics. There was a sense of hope at the end at least from my interpretation. You did a good job. Keep writing

~Dannielle~

I'll give a quick response. I liked it a lot. And the last two lines.... Wow, powerful and just overall amazing. And they are the only thing I'm going to comment on Good job, keep writing!