just let me know what you think

asweeney1919

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 18

Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:36 am

asweeney1919 says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:36 am

It was an average day for James culist. he was a tall scrawny boy. he was about 5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds. for a twelve year old that's good.he had dark brown hair and blue eyes.
James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.he finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"

I'm really nervous about posting this

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wonderland

Gender

Points 4206

Reviews 362

Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:06 am

wonderland says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:06 am

Alright, I know you said just to give what I think, and I will, just after I touch up on your grammar

You have

He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.

Don't start a sentence with And, So, or But. THose are all conjuctions, used to connect a sentance.
If you were to connect the sentence, you'd get

He saw a white wolf staring at him but he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him so he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.

You want to keep the breaks, but without the conjuctions.

Anyway, There wasn't much for me to go on here, it's just a descriptive paragraph.
I will keep my judgement for when theres something longer.

Write On
~WickedWonder

'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*

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bmonczka

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Points 1399

Reviews 4

Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:16 am

bmonczka says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:16 am

asweeney1919 wrote:It was an average day for James culist. he was a tall scrawny boy. he was about 5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds. for a twelve year old that's good.he had dark brown hair and blue eyes.
James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.he finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"

I'm really nervous about posting this

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bmonczka

Gender

Points 1399

Reviews 4

Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:18 am

bmonczka says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:18 am

i like it but to many mistakes... lol u know me i fix all of them on ur paper but here im not gonna do it so:P hahaha

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Button

Gender

Points 719

Reviews 562

Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:54 am

Button says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:54 am

I think that this could be a nice start to a story- however, there are a couple of things that I would try to fix and keep with you as you continue to write.

First: Grammar. Grammar is really important. It doesn't seem like it, but the capital letter at the beginning of a sentence makes the piece look altogether wonderful.

Second: Description. When you describe things, don't just say that he had blue eyes. Let the reader find out- you want to slip it in somewhere. When you just state it, it makes the reader remember that they're reading something, rather than finding and living the story with the main character. It's that classic phrase, "Show, Don't Tell".

Last thing: I would try to use more commas. Commas help the reader find a rhythm in your writing, and helps you to connect sentences. Try changing the length of the sentences- it makes the actual reading go more smoothly and makes it seem more natural.

Overall, I think that this could be very interesting, as I said before. Let me know if you post more and I'd be glad to read it.

-Coral-

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LadyPurple

Gender

Points 1171

Reviews 206

Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:03 pm

LadyPurple says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:03 pm

OK. I'm sick, I've got a pizza box laying in my lap waiting to have its contents to be eaten, a glass of water is in my way of the keyboard, so I'll try and make this quick, helpful as I can get it, and done. First off! Hiya Asweeney1919! Things in red are my corrections.

asweeney1919 wrote:It was an average day for James Culist. He was a tall scrawny boy. he was about five feet five inches and eighty two pounds. For a twelve year old that's good. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes.
James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house. He finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"Oh, Mom you know I don't like my birthday!"

I'm really nervous about posting this

OK. That was that. This was fairly short. That's why I picked it. Alright onto the helpful words of advice! When I wrote out the inches and weight of James it's just best to write out the numbers. Remember that, alright?

Next, always capitalize the first letter in a name (last names too.). I don't think it's necessary. But, it's your story. You can choose to take it out or leave it. Capitalize when starting a new sentence and when using "I"s. When ever you put "I don't like my birthday" You needed it capitalized. But don't go capitalizing them every second.... Only when they're alone or if they're the first letter in a name of a person or place.
(Let me know if any of this was helpful!)
Pers is right about commas, description (try describing his mother or even the cake or something), and grammar, plus spelling. I hope you use all this advice in the future!
I hope to see more of your work. *waves good-bye*
~Ladypurple.

You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?

Join The Storybook Revolution...

You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn

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SisterItaly

Gender

Points 1882

Reviews 66

Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:39 am

SisterItaly says... · Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:39 am

James culist

I'm going to take it Culist is a last name. In that case, it should have a capital C

5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds.

He was an average height, average weight...

had dark brown hair and blue eyes

Describe him more, length of hair? Tone of eyes? Curly hair? straight? Big eyes? Little eyes?

He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him.

I've been to the zoo plenty of times, and the animals ALWAYS just stare back at me, BUT! If I saw a white wolf on the streets, darn straight I would scream and run away!

"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"

Oh mom, you know I Don't like my birthday!

I Cannot stress how much it irritates me to see an uncapitalized I. The birthday thing... surprised me... it came from no where, made no sense... There were no hints of irritability... no emotion at all really. I think this could use a bit more work. PM me when you've edited it and I'll look at it again.

Until then... Tata darling.
~Emaly~

"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.

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LadySpark

Gender

Points 1799

Reviews 365

Thu Oct 21, 2010 2:12 pm

LadySpark says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 2:12 pm

hi!! okay the corrections are bolded (like so) and my comments are in red ink

It was an average day for James culist. he was a tall scrawny boy. he was about 5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds. for a twelve year old that's good.he had dark brown hair and blue eyes.

the c should be a capital C and I dont like to see numbers. PLEASE write the numbers out

James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.he finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"
on the whole this is a good beginning but I need some more emotion PLEASE continue!!!

hush, my sweet

these tornadoes are for you

-Richard Siken

Formerly SparkToFlame

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