Dark Sister

Spoiler

Something I scribbled in class...it's far from perfect. Feedback would be appreciated!

Dark sister,
Come to me tonight.
The wall can be overcome easily;
My blood is yearning for your sight

Apart, we cannot last.
How well can you be,
If I am not there to cast your shadows?
Black, without white, we cannot see

We shall intertwine our hearts,
Until the blurred borders seize to exist.
Come to me tonight, let us be together.
We become one, swirling in the mist.

Intresting...very good grammar and punctuation. Vocabulary is good too.

Hey, TheTruthLiesWithin. Firstly, awesome username, and I have to say the title certainly caught my attention.

Dark sister,
Come to me tonight.
The wall can be overcome easily;
My blood is yearning for your sight I love this line.

Apart, we cannot last.
How well can you be, if I, I think that part in bold would be better with the next line.
Am not there to cast your shawdows?
Black without white, is not black at all. I'm not sure I get that line. Clarify, please. Are you saying that darkness needs light or vice versa, or that darkness and light attract eachother or something like that?

We shall entertwine our hearts entertwine begins with an i not an e.
Until the borders seize to exist
Come to me tonight, give yourself to me. This line seems too long; it caused an unnatural pause in the flow.We become one.

Overall: I really liked this. Dark Sister had nice imagery, and the first two stanzas had a nice flow. It's just the last stanza didn't seem to flow as well. It's just me, but I think it didn't flow as well because it didn't rhyme. But your poem is still really good. Can't wait to see more of your work. Good luck with your writing~Bluewaterlily.

Truth
This is a really interesting poem. However there are a few things I don't understand.

The wall can be overcome easily

what wall are you refering to? is it a wall made of brick, an emotional wall that has built up between them or a different kind of wall all together?
who is the Dark Sister and why can't the writer last without her?
I find the poem a bit romantic as if it is a man is calling a woman who left him but who he still loves to come back to him.

Apart, we cannot last.
How well can you be,
If I am not there to cast your shadows?
Black, without white, we cannot see

I Loved that line ! I love everything you write

Aaah, this is so great. The title really caught my interest and made me curious. Often the titles are better then what's inside the poem but you managed to keep me positive to this thing. WELL DONE! I'll be looking out for more of your works from now on x)

It's dark and beautiful.
It really reminds me of a book I've read called 'Century'. It's all about two sisters who sleep through day and awake by night.
it's very good and your poem reminded me of it, thank you
And also, did you really scribble this in class? That's really good considering you had, like what, fourty minutes?
Keep up the good work!
Chynel.

The dark imagery was intriguing and i was genuinely impressed.
Nice work..

Wow this poem was so dark. Exactly the kind the poem I like. it was so dark and intriguing.
From Kitty

Amazing...! I couldn't help but be floored by the imagery.
We shall intertwine our hearts, Very sweet, couldn't help but imagine the hearts with wings though, but that seems a little too girly for this kind of beautifully dark poem.
Until the blurred borders seize to exist. Very poetic, this came up with a lot of misty images, even before I read the last line. So kudos to you.
Come to me tonight, let us be together. You should so continue with this line, maybe turn it and this poem into a story prompt?
We become one, swirling in the mist. Dancing in the mist is what I imagined, very beautiful..

This was good, I liked it, a lot. Just like I always do with your works. They are all good and I look forward to reading them all. Haha. The reviews previously point out all the errors I found. I will just say again that I loved the imagery, very much in fact. Well happy holidays. Love Jenn

..Incest 0.0?
That's what I was thinking ;o

If I am not there to cast your shadows?
Black, without white, we cannot see
I don't think that quite matched what is above. It just seems random . The rest though I wouldn't nag at. I think all poems should be a little confusing, they need a message to decipher XD.

The rhyming was well done. The poem is brief; a short read, and an interesting one at that ^^. Keep writing :]

good poem, in my opinion it reflects the nature of two things, maybe a dramatic relationship between them. it sounds as if the speaker and his "sister" where two parts of one whole truth, a really good way of expressing the attration between to distinct bodies