Battle at Kruger (based on the famous Youtube Video)

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Battle at Kruger

Dust billowed on the African plain as the herd of buffalo trampled on by the river. The herd ran on the incline of the shore, and trees dotted the horizon. It was a bright, sunny afternoon, and the heat of the day struck the naked backs of the numerous beasts. The dark waters streamed continuously, and a slight breeze could be felt. It was a cloudless day, and the sky was a pleasant blue, a sharp contrast to the violence that would soon occur. Little-Horns, a young calf, looked at his surroundings. He was strong for his age, and all his elders praised him, saying that he would grow to be a fine bull someday. He ran to the front of the herd where he stopped behind his father, Strong-of-Heart.
“Father, what are we doing? We are not stopping to drink.” He said.
“We are not taking in the Life Source today, Little-Horns. The elders and I have work to do,” he inhaled deeply, and exhaled, “Pray to the Herd-Gods for our safety, little one. Pray to them to give us strength for what we are about to do.”
“What, father? What are we going to do?” he inquired.
Strong-of-Heart thought for a while. The long grass shifted by their legs as they walked onwards. He finally decided to speak.
“Remember your mother, son?” he said.
Little-Horns’ heart clenched and he lowered his head.
“Yes. She is dead now. That is the way of the wild.” He whispered gravely.
His father spoke without turning back.
“Well, the lion pride that took her is nearby. The Wise One has spoken. Now is the time to avenge Shine-Fur’s death. He said that, ‘When the sky is clear, and the river swift, justice for murder most foul shall appear.’ Now is the time to avenge all the deaths that the lions have inflicted. We shall give them the taste of our hooves and the sharpness of our horns!”
Little-Horns, his soul filled with battle-lust, bleated loudly.
“Father! Please, may I join you and the other bulls? I must see the evil ones die!”
“No, son! I have already lost my mate. I will not lose my only calf!” he said.
“Father, I must. All the males say the ultimate way to achieve bull-hood is to kill or take part of the killing of a lion. They are our ultimate foes! I swear by the Sun I will be of good use!”
Strong-of-Heart’s soul flooded with pride, and he smiled fiercely at his son.
“Fine. Come with Sharp-Horns and me. If we are not able to protect you, run away as swift as the cheetah does! Do you understand me?” he bellowed sternly.
Little-Horns nodded eagerly. They broke away from the rest of the anxious herd. They walked proudly up a hill and strode towards two golden spots in the distance. Lions, Little-Horns thought. His father called to the vile predators.
“Evil Ones! Are you prepared to face your judgment?” he yelled.
“Come closer and see, prey.” a deep voice responded.
Filled with anger and bravery, the buffaloes could not see another golden animal hiding in the reeds, and two behind a tree.
Strong-of-Heart hesitated as three lions leapt from their hiding places. Sharp-Horns looked and realized what was occurring.
“It is a trap! Retreat!” the young bull yelled hastily.
The threesome bellowed, turned, and ran. The five hungry lions ran swiftly, eyes focused on the little calf. One of the lead females took the lead, and slowly caught up to the frightened young one. She snarled in triumph and leapt unto the calf. Little-Horns screamed piteously as the two rolled down the hill and fell to the reeds. As all of this occurred, no one noticed a group of humans catching all that happened on a video camera…

The lioness gripped the calf tightly; making sure it would not break free. The two were caught in a deadly embrace, limbs rolling as they struggled. The water roiled around them, and Little-Horns gasped as the predator gripped tighter. Another lion jumped from the shore and landed on the buffalo. Soon, all five lions joined and proceeded to pull the calf onto the shore. Little-Horns roared and tried to shake his captor’s off. That, of course, was futile. He heard one of the females speak.
“Gahuj, cease your alpha male pride and try harder! If you want a meal tonight, then help us pull it up!” she cried.
“Fine then, Lubaya. You’re getting the lesser portion of the babe, though.” It was the same deep voice that had challenged his father. Little-Horns whimpered as they dragged him farther up the incline. Suddenly, a shock of cold water splashed his back. He sensed the one called Lubaya rear up in fright. He felt rigid teeth clamp onto his tail. He looked back and laid eyes on one of the biggest crocodiles he had ever seen. Gahuj roared in displeasure.
“This is our catch, devil of the deep. Sink back to your watery lair and seek other prey!”
“Not this time, Gahuj. You and your ilk have cheated me many a fine meal. Today, I get this one.” The beast spoke with a wet, raspy gurgle.
The monsters then engaged in a fierce tug-of-war, the crocodile holding the tail, and the lions grasping the head. Little-Horns squealed in pain. He felt like a tree being pulled apart by elephants. After a while, the crocodile started to lose ground. He growled angrily; hate dripping in his next words.
“Bah! Uneven, this struggle is. You may have won this time, lion. But when another opportunity comes, I will be victorious.” The crocodile hissed and released Little-Horn’s tail. The lions roared in exultation. They dragged the little calf up and on the ground. He felt a firm paw grip his chin, and the next thing he knew, he was staring into the amber eyes of Gahuj.
“You will be a tasty morsel, little one. You will scream in pain as we tear you limb from limb. Lubaya! Start with his ears!”
“Gladly!” She crept closer, a gleam of ecstasy in her eyes. Suddenly, the ground started rumbling. The lions looked up to see hundreds of buffalo running towards them. At the lead was Strong-of-Heart, eyes blazing with fury.
“Surround them, brothers and sisters!” he shouted loudly.
The five lions huddled together as the herd confronted them. Little-Horns cried out in happiness.
“Father! I knew you would come! I knew you would come and free me!”
Little-Horns fell in pain when a lioness hit him on the side of the head.
“You’re not gone from us yet, stupid!” she seethed.
There was a loud roar, and Sharp-Horns charged a lioness stupid enough to sit close to the herd. She shrieked and ran away from the black juggernaut. Sharp-Horns gave chase, and nearly caught her, but retreated to help the herd. There was a momentary standoff between the two species.
“Release my child, Gahuj. If you do, we might leave some of your pathetic pride alive.”
Gahuj snorted.
“My pride is starving, cow. We will not give up a meal so easily.” He retorted.
Strong-of-Heart roared and charged. He lifted up Lubaya with his horns. The lioness screamed as she was hoisted in the air. She landed on the ground and twisted her body. She immediately ran off to the side, fleeing. Half of the herd followed her, laughing and jeering as predator became prey. Gahuj held tight to Little-Horns, still stubborn. The young calf, encouraged by his father’s bravery, pushed his will and body to the limit. He stood up and proceeded to walk to his family. Gahuj’s eyes widened in fear, and he clamped his jaws on the calf’s rear end. Little-Horns gave one final yell and broke apart. He trotted back to the safety of his loved ones. Gahuj moaned desperately as he crouched back to safety. He was defeated. Without a sufficient amount of food, his pride would eventually starve to death. Never before has this atrocity of nature occurred. This is not the way of things! He said to himself inwardly. He locked gazes with the now safe calf.
“Farewell, young one. I will never forget you. Your taste is etched in my fangs. There will be a day when you will be all alone, and that will be the day I take you.” He poured such meaning into the words that Little-Horns shuddered unconsciously. The lions yowled and ran away as Little-Horns’ brothers drove them off. Strong-of-Heart nuzzled his son and drew him closer.
“You are safe now, Little-Horns. This is all over.” They joined the herd and ran down the hill. Little-Horns looked back and swore he saw Gahuj’s amber eyes shine in the midday sun. Dust once again billowed from the thundering hooves of Little-Horns’ family. He looked to the African horizon and whispered quietly to himself.
“No, father. I think that this has just begun.”




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This has to be one of the most interesting and original pieces I've read in a while. Really, really great job. When I saw the title, I had not heard of the YouTube video, so I went and watched it before reading the story. I'm glad I did, because if I hadn't, I definitely would not have believed your story. You did an excellent job of translating an incredible video into words, and the result is something like I've never seen. Now, on to the review. No serious problems, but a few minor things.

The dark waters streamed continuously, and a slight breeze could be felt.

I'd hope a river streams continuously. The wording is just a bit awkward. I might change it to something like "flowed steadily".

It was a cloudless day, and the sky was a pleasant blue, a sharp contrast to the violence that would soon occur.

I failed to see the connection here. How does a "pleasant blue" contrast with violence? I can see how you use the... serenity? of the day to foreshadow the violence, but it doesn't quite make sense in this instance.

“Yes. She is dead now. That is the way of the wild.” He whispered gravely.

Should be, "...wild," he whispered..."

He said that, ‘When the sky is clear, and the river swift, justice for murder most foul shall appear.’

I assume "He" is the Wise One, but it's not specified after talking about Shine-Fur. I like the prophecy, although the rhyme is kind of corny.

I will not lose my only calf!” he said.

Avoid using just "said". Use a more descriptive verb, or follow it with an adverb.

If we are not able to protect you, run away as swift as the cheetah does!

"Swift" should be "swiftly". Also, the "does" at the end is redundant and cuts off the flow of the sentence.

They broke away from the rest of the anxious herd. They walked proudly up a hill and strode towards two golden spots in the distance

It sounds awkward when one begins two consecutive sentences with the same subject. Consider combining the two. The latter sentence is a little stunted. I think "boldly" would be a better word instead of "proudly". Also, it doesn't need to be a compound sentence. It could just be, "They walked boldly up a hill, toward two golden spots in the distance."

Filled with anger and bravery, the buffaloes could not see another golden animal hiding in the reeds, and two behind a tree.

Does bravery necessarily blind someone to hidden threats? Maybe re-word that. While "buffaloes" is proper, you can also use just "buffalo" for the plural, and in my opinion, that sounds better.

As all of this occurred, no one noticed a group of humans catching all that happened on a video camera…

For someone who has seen the video, I can understand why you might include this, but it just doesn't fit where it is. It would be ironic if you put it at the end, or consider just deleting it entirely.

The lioness gripped the calf tightly; making sure it would not break free.

Should be just a comma, not a semicolon.

The two were caught in a deadly embrace, limbs rolling as they struggled.

How does limbs roll? Something like "writhing" would be more appropriate.

Gahuj, cease your alpha male pride and try harder!

The "alpha male part" is a good bit of information, but it makes the sentence awkward. It might sound better if you just put "alpha". Whatever you think.

It was the same deep voice that had challenged his father.

Whose father? I know it's Little-Horns', but you shouldn't use a pronoun without specifying somewhere before who it's referring to.

She shrieked and ran away from the black juggernaut.

I like this descriptive metaphor.

He stood up and proceeded to walk to his family.

Redundant and unnecessary.

Your taste is etched in my fangs.

"Upon" or similar might be a better word.

Sorry if I was too nitpicky. It really was a great story. Well-written. I could truly feel the emotions and relate to the characters. Now, though, you've left an open ending. You might have to develop a series based on speculation of what could have happened after the video, eh?

Nice work. Hope to see more.
-denj
Take it easy.




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Thanks!

It wasn't nitpicky, I really appreciated it! You gave me some helpful critique that I really hadn't seen when I typed it up. You have helped me alot. About the series thing, I was thinking about doing that when I typed it. Anyways, thanks a bunch!

p.s
How do you upload a profile pic?




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This was stellar! I really enjoyed reading this and I haven't seen the YouTube Video, but now i'm wanting to. p.s. You upload a profile picture by going to my profile, then settings, then go to the picture option and upload one from your desktop.



Oh, Brightlord Tumul! How unexpected it is to see you standing there! I didn't mean to insult your stupidity. Really, it's quite spectacular and worthy of much praise.
— Wit (The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson)