The Howling of Silverveil (1)

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A/N: This is something I was considering entering for the October contest. This is the first part of three. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated. ;)

Edited as of 15/10/2010: further edits in progress

---

It was common knowledge that a witch resided in Silverveil.

Neighbourhood legend swore she lived in the abysmal little house by the forest. The house itself crooked shack built of oak, the wood framing warped by the cruel stranglehold of many winters. A drunken fence straggled through bristling thickets and thistles, diving into the basins of stagnant water that been snared by the deep depressions in the land around the house. A grizzled beard of ivy clung to the wood, slowly pulling the little house to pieces as time went on.

Sometimes, dirty-faced children would congregate by the outskirts of town, gathering in the water mired gutters and whispering through sticky fingers. They watched the house, pushing and shouting and daring until one of the more valiant children would stumble from the group, approaching the house with a tentative step, ineptly picking open the garden gate with tremulous fingers.

It was also common knowledge that any trespassers of Silverveil’s witch shack did not get far.
Though Alec’s father had maintained that this was all smart talk, his brother Drest insisted that the village’s days were numbered. Drest’s fascination with the dark and the damned only caused Alec to become uncontrollably anxious, until he found himself avoiding his younger sibling’s company.

Drest’s spook stories washed in and out of his thoughts as they walked home. Alec could not hold back the shivers that crawled like cold rivulets of rain down the edge of his spine as he walked past the house. He felt comforted by the wet smack of their bare feet on the cobblestones, for if it weren’t for that sound the slanted streets of Silverveil would be eerily silent.

The sun had seemed to crash below the horizon unpredictably fast, shrouding the village in a thick, nebulous cloak of stars and emptiness. The scattered cottages and concrete shelters added to the feeling of exposure, as if anyone could be watching, waiting around the next corner. It had unnerved Alec to the point where he felt the urge to run until he reached home. The two brothers moved through the streets, Drest trailing leisurely behind while Alec darted in front like a capricious lap-dog on a choke chain.

As they passed the witch shack, clouds had seemed to roll in from nowhere and become livid with the rage of a brewing storm. A brutish wind was churning behind the trees of the surrounding forest, what was once a midnight breeze becoming a fully fledged gale within the matter of minutes. Alec looked skyward with the languid beginnings of panic, before dropping his head and pursuing the route home at twice the pace he was walking at before.

“It’s a dark night,” Drest said from behind him. “Can’t even see an arm’s length in front o’ me.” He held out his arms to demonstrate and Alec rolled his eyes.

“There’s light enough,” Alec said mildly, even though Drest happened to be right. Drest was barely visible through the thick blackness of the night, and the surrounding houses and fields were not discernible at all. He found himself slowing, seeking guidance his brother. The gale had blown in thick, nebulous clouds and now his eyes seemed useless; navigating had become impossible to do alone and he had only a vague idea of where he was.

“I would slow down, if I were you,” Drest said with a snort, the end of his sentence being sharply snapped up by the wind. Alec had whipped around in retort, but a fat droplet of warm rain had struck him straight in the eye as he did so. He rubbed at it furiously, smearing watery dirt across his cheek.

Then the rain came crashing down on the village. A solid sheet of rain sliced into Alec’s back and the rest of Drest’s words were cut away by the churning storm, almost tossing his lean frame to the ground.

Alec shuddered as the icy water drenched his skin, waiting for his brother to catch up again. Once he was within hearing distance he shouted at him over the roaring wind. “Why would I need t’ slow then?” He cast a sharp look over his shoulder, the movement so swift that his soaking, mousy hair slapped against his cheek and his neck cricked audibly.

“’Cause, you might run into somethin’ you wouldn’t like to go runnin’ into,” Drest said once he had caught up again. Alec frowned and decided it best not to press into the matter; frankly, he didn’t want to know what he could run in to on a dark night like this.

“I hear ‘em sometimes.” There was a smirk in his voice as Alec began to move swiftly forward again, refusing to look at him. “In the dead of the night, howlin’ fit to beat th’ damned-“

“Would you ever hush? Da says all that is crazy-folk talk,” Alec retorted. Drest was leaning casually against the slanted walls of a cottage, pushing rain-drenched strands of his copper hair from his eyes with a crooked grin. Alec felt the urge to shove him over and hit him, but he knew it would be pointless. Drest had won him over in many a wrestle, and it simply wasn’t worth it anymore.

As Alec turned away from him Drest insisted on his pursuit of the topic, catching Alec by the elbow before he could escape. “They say the witch turned ‘em into wolves,” Drest said.

A delicate shiver shook Alec by the bones, and he wasn’t sure whether it was due to the freezing sleet or the morbidity of Drest’s latest revelation. Ignoring the comment, he took off into the darkness hearing his brother’s laughter behind him, booming against the rage of the storm.

He wasn’t long catching up with him. The storm had reached almost its peak; already the wind was ripping the thatch of the nearest cottage, stripping the little house from its roofing as if the well-crafted thatching was composed of brittle toothpicks. The wind tossed the boys across the empty streets, causing their soaking clothes to whip and snap as the wind snarled and leapt to the obsidian clouds like a wild animal.

A battered cruck house loomed in the distance, wedged between the gutted remains of a barn and old, rotten plough that had been decaying there since Alec could remember. Rain was pouring off every slanted surface, falling down in a solid, sleeting sheet in front of the door. Another roar of thunder churned overhead, and Alec sprang towards the door without another thought.

With a relieved sigh he hit the wooden door of the family cottage with a splat, his hands splayed along the weather-beaten surface as his fingers sought the piece of rope nailed to the frame. With a grunt he hauled the door open, stumbling inside to the warmth of the firelight and collapsing onto the floor in a choking, rain-drenched heap of bones and limbs.

The door swung back on itself and a whoosh of water and wind announced Drest’s presence in the house. His brother gathered the material of his shirt in his fist, hauling him shakily to his feet with a grunt, brushing some of the dirt from his clothes.

“You’re soft, you are,” Drest muttered indistinctly, sauntering off into the smoky darkness of the room. The orange gloom of the firelight against the smoky air swallowed his form as he approached the flaming grate. With a gentle sigh Alec brushed away the dried specks of dirt and straw lining that had clung to his damp face and knees. His face felt scalded by the rain; it had stripped away the many protective layers of dirt he had gathered over his fourteen years of life. It was the cleanest he had ever been.

He stood shivering by the door for a few moments, straining his ears for the sound of his father. He was nowhere to be heard, thankfully, and was most likely asleep. He didn’t care to think of what punishment might await him if he found out they’d been gone from the fields all day. His bones ached at the very core at the thought of it.

He stepped hesitantly towards the fire, his brow furrowed in the effort to be as quiet as possible. Straw rustled gently under his bare feet as he crept towards the roaring grate, shuddering as the heat hit his body in a burning blast of hot air. Drest was sitting on the floor, his legs pulled up against his chest and his forearms resting lazily on his knees. Steam rose hazily off his soaked clothes as the fire chased away the damp, while the storm slammed its fists against the house’s walls.

Alec joined him silently on the floor, a few hand spans closer to the fire than Drest was. He knew he was sure to get chilblains the next day, but he was desperate to chase away the ghostly coldness that had seemed to settle deep in his chest. After a while Drest nudged him with his elbow, talking with a strangely absent expression.

“I’m not doin’ all this to scare you,” he said. Alec shrugged his sallow shoulders and looked towards him. The firelight danced with the shadows on his brother’s features, chasing then receding, never reaching the shadows that cast his face in darkness.

“I ain’t scared,” Alec muttered, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin there. The bone jutted into his lower jaw, and it grew uncomfortable after a few seconds. He stretched out his legs again, leaning back on his palms and looking back towards Drest again.

“Yeah, well. I’m not tryin’ to scare y’… but I’m not lyin’ either.” The silence grew thick and black between his first sentence and the next. “I did see them. The wolves.” Drest turned his head away from him again, and stared absently towards the earthy floor. “They’re strong. They answer to nobody. They never go hungry.”

Alec said nothing. Words seemed to fail him entirely. The sudden hunger in Drest’s voice chilled his soul; until he could find no reply for his brother.

After a while, Drest slipped away, and Alec could hear rustling as he settled onto his straw mattress on the floor. Alec waited a little while longer, feeling as if his joints had frozen stiff despite the heat of the fire. He waited until Drest’s breathing had deepened. Carefully, quietly, he slipped towards his own grim mattress without a word.

He lit a candle on the fire, setting it into the clouded glass of a lantern. The feeble flame flickered into being at the tip of the wick as he set it next to his bed, and curled up atop the lumpy bedding, his bones jutting at the joints.

The light gave him little comfort. Wolves had begun to howl a dreadful cacophony in the forest, their shuddersome lament rising into the dead of the night and quivering amongst the dying breaths of the storm. As the flame neared the bas e of the wick they grew louder, closer, more terrible, the noise curling from between jagged teeth and writhing tongues.

With an involuntary shiver night-time coiled its hooked fingernails into the folds of his mind, pulling him into the land of nightmares and monsters, where men became wolves and stalked the darkness with hungry, yellow eyes.
Last edited by Moo on Fri Oct 15, 2010 8:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

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This is very well written. I’m here to give you an in-depth review but I’m not sure I’ll be able to find too much to help you on. I’ll warn you now, it’s not in order but I hope it helps.

any perpetrators – Without context, this doesn’t really make sense. What you’re saying is ‘any criminals’ but without mentioning their crimes, without justifying the statement. Did these perpetrators live in the house, or did you perhaps mean ‘trespassers’? But other than that, good use of isolating a line.
Some said that they had seen a cat ... another sound. – Brilliantly written, but is it necessary? It felt like you were procrastinating, showing off your writing skills while setting the scene further, but as you set the scene for a good few paragraphs it feels a little overdone. Out of all the paragraphs, this one felt like it added the least to both the pace and the imagery.

Sometimes, dirty-faced – no need for a comma here.

Ostentatious – Not sure if this is a good use of lexis, but ultimately, this is just my opinion. Its borderline into the terminology section, which means it lacks a bit of emotion, connotations and instead gains focus. Precise, but therefore less meaningful and descriptive as it could be.

His fascination – You’ve mentioned two names in the sentence before. Even though grammatically you’re correct, it’s confusing to whom this ‘his’ is. This is probably a point most people will shrug off, but it’s the little tweaks that can really improve a piece as good as this.

for if it weren’t for that sound, -I’m not 100%, but I think you need a comma here.

the wet smack – Nice description, but sounds a little funny. Smack isn’t plural although footsteps would be, and there’s not much hint to why it would be wet.

The sun had seemed ...chain. – This is where your info dumping introduction ends and the real story begins. That’s quite a way in. A style I personally prefer is to start where the action is and slowly introduce ideas until you’re left with just the story, in a parallel mode. There’s nothing wrong with placing all that information first, but if you’re going to do it that way then you may want to cut back a bit. The pace feels slow, and while the actual writing is brilliant, I felt there was too much description where most of it could be left to the imagination. In one sense, you’ll be up against those who dive right into the action and write well. Let me know if that doesn’t make too much sense, or if you want to discuss it – and that goes for my whole review. =]

As they passed the witch shack... before. – Again, very description heavy. It may be symbolic but with the other sections of copious description I’m no longer being enticed by your brilliant use of language. Sometimes more is less – use less words to say more. Get to this point with three paragraphs

“I would slow down, if I were you,” Drest drawled distantly with a snort, the end of his sentence being sharply snapped up by the wind. Alec had whipped around in retort, but a fat droplet of warm rain had struck him straight in the eye as he did so. He rubbed at it furiously, smearing watery dirt across his cheek. – Again, it’s too much. Too much effort too - I get the feeling that you’re thinking too much about sounding impressive. I don’t mean that in an offensive way as the general idea of writing is to sound impressive with subtle effort, which usually comes naturally over time.

You’ve captured their idiolects, the way they speak, really well. The characterisation is spot on and really adds to the writing.

Though he was a year older than Drest, he was tall, wiry compared to the stocky brutish build of his brother. – You’ve suggesting this by mentioning ‘lean’ earlier. It would be better to integrate this information again like you did before. Show the reader instead of telling, and at the same time you cut down on words. This is one of the ways you can say more with less.

A horrid shiver – Is this a little bit exaggerated? With the comment beforehand I would think just a slight shiver, a slight unnerving feeling, but a ‘horrid shiver’ seems drastic in comparison. Also, the more you use a technique the less effect it has. You’ve used a lot of emotive language and dramatic descriptions, and it numbs the effect – save it for the really terrifying stuff so that your readers feel the punch when it hits.

I’ve read the rest and I think you really are a talented writer. It’s the same points that come up again and again for me so I won’t keep slaughtering the piece when actually it’s really good. I hope this has helped, and let me know if you want to discuss any of the points I have made. If you disagree then feel free to let me know too. It might help me or yourself understand the other perspective better, and ultimately make this even better. Good luck with your writing.
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Moo wrote:A/N: This is something I was considering entering for the October contest. This is the first part of three. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated. ;)

It was common knowledge that a witch resided in Silverveil. [Weak opening sentence]

Neighbourhood legend swore it lived in the abysmal little house by the forest. It was a crooked shack built of oak, [a bit of object confusion, the previous sentence makes this one sound like you're describing the witch right now] the wood framing warped by the blistering weather of many summers. A drunken fence straggled through bristling thickets and thistles, diving into the basins of stagnant water that been snared by the deep depressions in the land around the house. A grizzled beard of ivy clung to the wood, slowly pulling the little house to pieces as time went on.

Some said that they had seen a cat on the roof of the house by the dead hour, and that no darkness could parallel the depth of its lurid obsidian pelage. It would tilt its head at passers-by, sharp ochre irises knifing through the darkness as it watched, before slipping down through the broken gapes in the roof of the house without another sound.

Sometimes, dirty-faced children would congregate by the outskirts of town, gathering in the water mired gutters and whispering through sticky fingers. They watched the house, pushing and shouting and daring until one of the more ostentatious children would stumble from the group, approaching the house with a tentative step, ineptly picking open the garden gate with tremulous fingers.

It was also common knowledge that any perpetrators [not sure about word choice here] of Silverveil’s witch shack did not get far.

Though Alec’s father had maintained that this was all smart talk, [if it was common knowledge then clearly some people disappeared in there - otherwise how would it be common knowledge? - Alec's father sounds a bit ignorant] his brother Drest insisted that the village’s days were numbered. His fascination with the dark and the damned only caused Alec to become uncontrollably anxious, until he found himself avoiding his younger sibling’s company.

Drest’s spook stories washed in and out of his thoughts as they walked home. Alec could not hold back the shivers that crawled like cold rivulets of rain down the edge of his spine as he walked past the house. He felt comforted by the wet smack of their bare feet on the cobblestones, for if it weren’t for that sound the slanted streets of Silverveil would be eerily silent.

The sun had seemed to crash below the horizon unpredictably fast, shrouding the village in a thick, nebulous cloak of stars and emptiness. The scattered cottages and concrete shelters added to the feeling of exposure, as if anyone could be watching, waiting around the next corner. It had unnerved Alec to the point where he felt the urge to run until he reached home. The two brothers moved through the streets, Drest trailing leisurely behind [word choice with "leisurly" somewhat clashes with your earlier statement that he indulges himself in the dark and damned] while Alec darted in front like a capricious lap-dog on a choke chain.

As they passed the witch shack, clouds had seemed to roll in from nowhere, and become livid with the rage of a brewing storm. A brutish wind was churning [churning = rotating, not sure about word choice here] behind the trees of the surrounding forest, what was once a midnight breeze becoming a fully fledged gale within a matter of minutes. Alec looked skyward with the languid beginnings of panic, before dropping his head and pursuing the route home at twice the pace he was walking at before.

“It’s a dark night,” Drest said. “Can’t even see an arm’s length in front o’ me.” He held out his arms to demonstrate and Alec softly [how does one "softly" roll one's eyes?] rolled his eyes.

“There’s light enough,” Alec concluded mildly, even though Drest happened to be right. Drest was barely visible through the thick blackness of the night, and the surrounding houses and fields were not discernible at all. He found himself slowing, seeking the guidance of a companion in his brother. The gale had blown in thick, nebulous clouds and now his eyes seemed useless; navigating had become impossible to do alone and he had only a vague idea of where he was.

“I would slow down, if I were you,” Drest drawled [my connotation with the word "drawl" is lacking in energy, and that's the last thing you want when there's a loud wind blowing] distantly [is he himself distant? or does his voice just sound distant?] with a snort, the end of his sentence being sharply snapped up by the wind. Alec had whipped around in retort, but a fat droplet of warm rain had struck him straight in the eye as he did so. He rubbed at it furiously, smearing watery dirt across his cheek.

Then the rain came crashing down on the village. A solid sheet of rain sliced [how does rain "slice"?] into Alec’s back and the rest of Drest’s words were cut away by the churning storm, almost tossing his lean frame to the ground.

Alec shuddered as the icy water [I thought it was summertime, how is the rain so cold?] drenched his skin, waiting for his brother to catch up again. Once he was within hearing distance he shouted at him over the roaring wind. “Why would I need t’ slow then?” Alec stopped dead by the well, his slender fingers seeking the hard edge of the stone in order to steady himself. [I'm not sure what's going on right now, where did the well come from?] He could barely speak due to the volume of water that flooded into his mouth every time it opened [how is this possible? is the rain falling diagonally?]. He cast a sharp look over his shoulder, the movement so swift that his soaking, mousy hair slapped against his cheek and his neck cricked audibly.

“’Cause, you might run into somethin’ you wouldn’t like to go runnin’ into,” Drest said once he had caught up again. Alec frowned and decided it best not to press into the matter; frankly, he didn’t want to know what he could run in to on a dark night like this.

“I hear ‘em sometimes.” There was a smirk in his voice as Alec began to move swiftly forward again, refusing to look at him. “In the dead of the night, howlin’ fit to beat th’ damned-“

“Would you ever hush? Da says all that is crazy-folk talk,” Alec retorted. Drest was leaning casually against the slanted walls of a cottage, pushing rain-drenched strands of his copper hair from his eyes with a crooked smirk. Alec felt the urge to shove him over and hit him. Though he was a year older than Drest, he was tall, wiry compared to the stocky brutish build of his brother. Drest had won him over in many a wrestle, and it simply wasn’t worth it anymore.

As Alec turned away from him Drest insisted on his pursuit of the topic, catching Alec by the elbow before he could escape. “They say the witch turned ‘em into wolves,” Drest said.

A horrid shiver shook Alec by the bones, and he wasn’t sure whether it was due to the freezing sleet or the morbidity of Drest’s latest revelation. Thunder snarled and lightning split the sky overhead, jarring him to the bones. Ignoring the comment, he took off into the ambient [extreme clash in diction compared to the current weather] darkness hearing his brother’s laughter behind him, booming against the rage of the storm.

He wasn’t long catching up with him. The storm had reached almost a fatal level [O_O]; already the wind was ripping the thatch of the nearest cottage, stripping the little house from its roofing as if the well-crafted thatching was composed of brittle toothpicks [how did this village survive so many summers?]. The wind was to their advantage, huffing and blustering against their backs, causing Alec’s skin to become as pale and cold as gooseflesh [gooseflesh is a state of skin; this statement sounds like... "his hair was as brown as his forelocks"]. It tossed the boys across the empty streets, causing their soaking clothes to whip and snap as the wind snarled and leapt to the obsidian clouds like a wild animal.

A battered cruck house loomed in the distance, wedged between the gutted remains of a barn and old, rotten plough that had been decaying there since Alec could remember. Rain was pouring off every slanted surface, falling down in a solid, sleeting sheet in front of the door. Another roar of thunder churned overhead, and Alec sprang towards the door without another thought.

With a relieved sigh he hit the wooden door of the family cottage with a splat, his hands splayed along the weather-beaten surface as his fingers sought the piece of rope nailed to the frame. With a grunt he hauled the door open, stumbling inside to the warmth of the firelight and collapsing onto the floor in a choking, rain-drenched heap of bones and limbs.

The door swung back on itself and a whoosh of water and wind announced Drest’s presence in the house. His brother gathered the material of his shirt in his fist, hauling him shakily to his feet with a grunt, brushing some of the dirt from his clothes.

“You’re soft, you are,” Drest muttered indistinctly, sauntering off into the smoky darkness of the room. The orange gloom of the firelight against the smoky air swallowed his form as he sauntered [you just used this word one sentence ago] towards the flaming grate. With a gentle, shivering sigh Alec brushed away the dried specks of dirt and straw lining that had clung to his damp face and knees. His face felt scalded by the rain [wasn't the rain cold?]; it had stripped away the many protective layers of dirt he had gathered over his fourteen years of life. It was the cleanest he had ever been.

He stood shivering by the door for a few moments, straining his ears for the sound of his father. He was nowhere to be heard, thankfully, and was most likely asleep [this guy can sleep through a roaring storm that's throwing his sons around on the street? I envy his gift of ignorance]. He didn’t care to think of what punishment might await him if he found out they’d been gone from the fields all day. His bones ached at the very core at the thought of it.

He stepped hesitantly towards the fire, his brow furrowed in the effort to be as quiet as possible. Straw rustled gently under his bare feet as he crept towards the roaring grate, shuddering as the heat hit his body in a burning blast of hot air. Drest was sitting on the floor, his legs pulled up against his chest and his forearms resting lazily on his knees. Steam rose hazily off his soaked clothes as the fire chased away the damp, while the storm slammed its fists against the house’s walls.

Alec joined him silently on the floor, a few hand spans closer to the fire than Drest was. He knew he was sure to get chilblains the next day, but he was desperate to chase away the ghostly coldness that had seemed to settle deep in his chest. After a while Drest nudged him with his elbow, talking with strangely absent eyes. [empty eye sockets!]

“I’m not doin’ all this to scare you,” he said. Alec shrugged his sallow shoulders and looked towards him. The firelight danced with the shadows on his brother’s features, chasing then receding, never reaching the shadows that cast his face in darkness.

“I ain’t scared,” Alec muttered, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin there. The bone jutted into his lower jaw, and it grew uncomfortable after a few seconds. He stretched out his legs, leaning back on his palms and looking back towards Drest again.

“Yeah, well. I’m not tryin’ to scare y’… but I’m not lyin’ either.” The silence grew thick and black between his first sentence and the next. “I did see them. The wolves.” Drest turned his head away from him again, and stared absently towards the earthy floor. “They’re strong. They answer to nobody. They never go hungry.” [if they never go hungry, then they're not very dangerous, are they?]

Alec said nothing. Words seemed to fail him entirely. The sudden hunger in Drest’s voice [hunger in one's voice??] chilled his soul; until he could find no reply for his brother. [the use of the word "until" makes me assume that before he DID have a reply for Drest, but he somehow lost it now]

After a while, Drest slipped away, and Alec could hear rustling as he settled onto his straw mattress on the floor. Alec waited a little while longer, feeling as if his joints had frozen stiff despite the heat of the fire. He waited until Drest’s breathing had deepened. Carefully, quietly, he slipped [you just used that word at the beginning of this paragraph] towards his own grim mattress without a word.

He lit a candle on the fire, setting it into the clouded glass of a lantern. The feeble flame flickered into being at the tip of the wick as he set it next to his bed, and curled up atop the lumpy bedding, his bones jutting at the joints.

The light gave him little comfort. Wolves had begun to howl a dreadful cacophony in the forest, their shuddersome [is that a word?] lament rising into the dead of the night and quivering amongst the dying breaths of the storm. As the flame neared the base of the wick they grew louder, closer, more terrible, the noise curling from between jagged teeth and writhing tongues [I'm not getting an image of wolves here, but rather some kind of Cthulhu starspawn...].

With an involuntary shiver night-time coiled its hooked fingernails into the folds of his mind, pulling him into the land of nightmares and monsters, where men became wolves and stalked the darkness with hungry, yellow eyes.


Too many fancy words. This is not a bad thing, but you don't always use them correctly, and it seems that the story is mainly relying on them to make it sound smarter. There is a mass of adjectives that don't really need to be there, as the picture is already clear enough. Tying into this - avoid "said-bookism", as here:
“There’s light enough,” Alec concluded mildly, even though Drest happened to be right.

Instead of writing "Alec said", you write "Alec concluded". It's already obvious that he "concluded" rather than "excluded" this from the context of the sentence - so really you are just restating what you already said. This is good if you are a politician ("First tell them what you're going to say, then say it, then tell them what you just said"), but not if you're a writer. You want to be efficient with your wording. My advice would be to play with sentence structure instead - your writing will be just as lively and fun to read, and you won't have to send your reader after a dictionary every other paragraph.

I'm not sure what the witch-house has to do with much of the story. You go to great pains to describe it (the paragraph with a description of the witch-house has some of your best writing in it), but it's never really brought up after that point. In programming, there's a guideline: declare (describe) your variables (set pieces) closest to the code (scene) where you will be using them. If you ever plan on using the witch-house in your story, chances are that the reader will have forgotten that it's there at all.

Having said that, there are points where your diction is absolutely masterful. The description of the house, for instance, sent shivers up my spine when I first read it. Seriously, "drunken fence"? I would never have come up with that myself, and it does the job of describing the fence admirably. Your dialogue is also believable and well-written, plus it sends across tons of information about the characters. The problem is that sometimes that information contradicts what you've told us before then. Your first description of Drest shows me a gloomy individual bored with the prosaics of everyday life to the point that he takes an interest in the "dark and damned" - some kind of an awesome occult/goth type of dude. What I get from how he acts and how he speaks is a brutish bully.

Finally, other than the rain, there wasn't really any conflict in the story. The only thing that kept me reading is the chance of stumbling on another well-crafted gem of a description - I wanted some kind of an encounter there, but none came. Maybe seeing a witch, maybe a monster, maybe one of the Cthulhu-wolves at a rare point of hungriness... but the only challenge to the heroes came in the form of a particularly strong rain. I would like to see some action in the next part.

Good luck.
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dreamybanana wrote:This is very well written. I’m here to give you an in-depth review but I’m not sure I’ll be able to find too much to help you on. I’ll warn you now, it’s not in order but I hope it helps.

any perpetrators – Without context, this doesn’t really make sense. What you’re saying is ‘any criminals’ but without mentioning their crimes, without justifying the statement. Did these perpetrators live in the house, or did you perhaps mean ‘trespassers’? But other than that, good use of isolating a line.
Yes, I think trespassers would be better. :P

Some said that they had seen a cat ... another sound. – Brilliantly written, but is it necessary? It felt like you were procrastinating, showing off your writing skills while setting the scene further, but as you set the scene for a good few paragraphs it feels a little overdone. Out of all the paragraphs, this one felt like it added the least to both the pace and the imagery.

Okay, I think I may cut that paragraph then.

Sometimes, dirty-faced – no need for a comma here.

Ostentatious – Not sure if this is a good use of lexis, but ultimately, this is just my opinion. Its borderline into the terminology section, which means it lacks a bit of emotion, connotations and instead gains focus. Precise, but therefore less meaningful and descriptive as it could be.

His fascination – You’ve mentioned two names in the sentence before. Even though grammatically you’re correct, it’s confusing to whom this ‘his’ is. This is probably a point most people will shrug off, but it’s the little tweaks that can really improve a piece as good as this.

Agreed.



the wet smack – Nice description, but sounds a little funny. Smack isn’t plural although footsteps would be, and there’s not much hint to why it would be wet.

The sun had seemed ...chain. – This is where your info dumping introduction ends and the real story begins. That’s quite a way in. A style I personally prefer is to start where the action is and slowly introduce ideas until you’re left with just the story, in a parallel mode. There’s nothing wrong with placing all that information first, but if you’re going to do it that way then you may want to cut back a bit. The pace feels slow, and while the actual writing is brilliant, I felt there was too much description where most of it could be left to the imagination. In one sense, you’ll be up against those who dive right into the action and write well. Let me know if that doesn’t make too much sense, or if you want to discuss it – and that


“I would slow down, if I were you,” Drest drawled distantly with a snort, the end of his sentence being sharply snapped up by the wind. Alec had whipped around in retort, but a fat droplet of warm rain had struck him straight in the eye as he did so. He rubbed at it furiously, smearing watery dirt across his cheek. – Again, it’s too much. Too much effort too - I get the feeling that you’re thinking too much about sounding impressive. I don’t mean that in an offensive way as the general idea of writing is to sound impressive with subtle effort, which usually comes naturally over time.

You’ve captured their idiolects, the way they speak, really well. The characterisation is spot on and really adds to the writing. Thank you! :D

Though he was a year older than Drest, he was tall, wiry compared to the stocky brutish build of his brother. – You’ve suggesting this by mentioning ‘lean’ earlier. It would be better to integrate this information again like you did before. Show the reader instead of telling, and at the same time you cut down on words. This is one of the ways you can say more with less.

I'll be sure to cut down here, then. :P

A horrid shiver – Is this a little bit exaggerated? With the comment beforehand I would think just a slight shiver, a slight unnerving feeling, but a ‘horrid shiver’ seems drastic in comparison. Also, the more you use a technique the less effect it has. You’ve used a lot of emotive language and dramatic descriptions, and it numbs the effect – save it for the really terrifying stuff so that your readers feel the punch when it hits.

Good point, agreed. :P


I’ve read the rest and I think you really are a talented writer. It’s the same points that come up again and again for me so I won’t keep slaughtering the piece when actually it’s really good. I hope this has helped, and let me know if you want to discuss any of the points I have made. If you disagree then feel free to let me know too. It might help me or yourself understand the other perspective better, and ultimately make this even better. Good luck with your writing.


Wow, thank you for the comments. I'm going to go back and heighten some of the action, and edit the YWS post accordingly. :P Some things might remain the same because I disagree or I think it serves a suitable purpose as it is, but I still really appreciate that you took the time to point them out. :)

Thanks to both reviews actually, I agree with most things you both said. The witch will be playing her part in the next section of the story. ;) Promise.

As for Drest, I wouldn't say he's a brutish bully. He endulges in pushing about his brother a little, sure. Don't all siblings? He explains himself during their conversation by the fire... but oh well. Sorry you didn't perceive him how I intended. :P

Thank you both!

-Moo
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

--Carl Sandburg




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Hey there, Moo :)

I'm here to review as requested. I'm sorry I'm kind of late, I went away for the weekend. I'm here now though, so it's all good! Unfortunately for me, you've already got some epic reviews, so I'm sorry if this isn't the most helpful review in the world.

Neighbourhood legend swore she lived in the abysmal little house by the forest. The house itself crooked shack built of oak, the wood framing warped by the cruel stranglehold of many winters. A drunken fence straggled through bristling thickets and thistles, diving into the basins of stagnant water that (had?) been snared by the deep depressions in the land around the house. A grizzled beard of ivy clung to the wood, slowly pulling the little house to pieces as time went on.

Lovely description!

He felt comforted by the wet smack of their bare feet on the cobblestones, for if it weren’t for that sound, the slanted streets of Silverveil would be eerily silent.

I fail at comma's, but I have a feeling you need one here.

The sun had seemed to crash below the horizon unpredictably fast, shrouding the village in a thick, nebulous cloak of stars and emptiness. The scattered cottages and concrete shelters added to the feeling of exposure, as if anyone could be watching, waiting around the next corner. It had unnerved Alec to the point where he felt the urge to run until he reached home. The two brothers moved through the streets, Drest trailing leisurely behind while Alec darted in front like a capricious lap-dog on a choke chain.

I'm not sure if you could call this a bad thing, but I'm finding a lot of descriptions here so far. Every single one of them are good, but I'm edging on wanting you to tone them down a bit. That's more of a personal opinion though, if I'm honest.

He wasn’t long catching up with him. The storm had reached almost its peak; already the wind was ripping the thatch of the nearest cottage, stripping the little house from its roofing as if the well-crafted thatching was composed of brittle toothpicks. The wind tossed the boys across the empty streets, causing their soaking clothes to whip and snap as the wind snarled and leapt to the obsidian clouds like a wild animal.

If the whether was doing that, wouldn't they be, like, flying everywhere... Or am I just being stupid? Most likely... :lol:

“You’re soft, you are,” Drest muttered indistinctly, sauntering off into the smoky darkness of the room.

I'm getting tempted to punch him...

The sudden hunger in Drest’s voice chilled his soul; until he could find no reply for his brother.

I don't think you need a semi colon here...

As the flame neared the basUnnecessary gap heree of the wick they grew louder, closer, more terrible, the noise curling from between jagged teeth and writhing tongues.



Overall

Considering this is only the first part, I'm not going to be able to give you a very detailed, specific review. The main reason for that is because any critiques that I may have could be answered or fixed within the next few parts, so yeah. I'll try and think of something though! As a whole, this is a very polished piece, I have to say. Your vocabulary is extremely varied and your grammar was great. You also spelt every word correctly, as far as I'm aware, even the long ones. ;) Your descriptions really are great and I can tell that you've really thought about them, which is something I always love to see. Now... onto any critiques I have!

My main critique is a bit of a matter of opinion thing. Basically, I sometimes feel like you drag things on a bit. This kind of ties in with your descriptions. Although they were very good ones, I sometimes got a teeny bit bored of them. That might just be me though because I'm a simple child and have the attention of a drunken goldfish. For people like me who read this though, you need to make sure that you keep our attention. I understand that you clearly want to set the scene, but once you've done that, you don't really need to emphasize on it in every other paragraph. Like I said before, people will have different opinions on this critique. Some might think the amount of description is perfect, and some might think otherwise, but I find it a little bit much. For example, you described the rain loads of times. Give us one juicy description of the droplets, and if I'm honest, that's all we need. ;) Looking back at other reviews, other guys have picked this up. I think you should consider toning this down a wee bit.

My only other nit-picky/critique thing is about Drest. I know you said that it was supposed to come across as brotherly banter, but I think he was a bit too harsh... I have two boy cousins, for example. There's only a year or so difference between them. You're right, they do fight a lot. The problem is that they don't quite fight like your two characters do. What I'd advise for you to do is make their arguments seem more jokish, if that makes sense? I think the way Drest speaks to his brother is blunt and too harsh. Even if you mention in between dialogue that Drest is saying it lightly or jokingly, it could make it sound more like banter and not bullying. Even if you make him rustle his brother's hair when they sit by the fire, or even if you get him to apologise to him, it would make Drest more likeable.

Negatives aside, this really was a good read. Take us reviewers opinions and suggestions into consideration and you could have an even better little piece here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Fancy words make it edge on a teeny bit boring
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson