Who are you?

She stands there in the corner:
She weeps;
I hold in my hand,
A pen
It seeps ink onto this blank page
The page; like my life.
I try to concentrate.
The girl weeps:
Be quiet!
What?
Oh.
I apologize to the man
Sitting across from me
“I was not talking to you”
I retort, quick and stubborn are my words.
He looks puzzled
“There is no one else.”
Yes.
Yes she is right there,
The girl!
She keeps crying
I cannot work.
This is me
Or is this life?
This complicated orb
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Like a carousel
It
Makes
Me
Lose
Myself.
The voices,
They are driving me insane.
Leave me alone!
The girl talks:
“We are you, and you are us.”
That is all.

This poem is really good, though, like all writing, it can be improved. The first thing I noticed when reading this poem was the short lines. Someone once told me that if you have a short line in poetry it should have a reason to be short. Is each one word line have a reason to be stressed, to be noticed by the reader? Are these words really important. Another thing that person said to me is how can a sort line get the attention it needs if there are so many short lines next to it?

EmmaGrayce wrote:It
Makes
Me
Lose
Myself.
The voices,

Instead of making me focus in on a word it just sounds choppy. This could easily be made in to one or two lines. Besides that I really like your poem. It is very original and works with a really cool concept.

A. S.

I really like this poem. At first I just glanced over it thinking. 'Eech, long poem. Long day, can't be bothered to read.' but then I stopped and read the first bit which I actually thought was rather good. This led me to read the whole thing.

I think that this poem is really good, I like the emotion behind it.

However, I think it can still be improved. The main way that you could improve is making it slightly less... long. I like the short punchy lines, but it did scare me off at first and may scare others.

This is a really great start, keep writing!

~Crim

That's really good

EmmaGrayce wrote:She stands there in the corner:
She weeps; This is a good start! It really grabbed my attention.
I hold in my hand,I don't think there needs to be a line break here, keep on with the pen.
A pen
It seeps ink onto this blank page
The page; like my life.
I try to concentrate.
The girl weeps:
Be quiet!
What?
Oh. LOVED. This is where the realizes the speaker is the crying girl. I real good twist.
I apologize to the man Again, I don't think a line break is nesscary here.
Sitting across from me
“I was not talking to you”
I retort, quick and stubborn are my words.
He looks puzzled
“There is no one else.”
Yes.
Yes she is right there,
The girl!
She keeps crying
I cannot work.
This is me
Or is this life? ?
This complicated orb
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Like a carousel Not as clear as you were earlier.
It
Makes
Me
Lose
Myself.
The voices,
They are driving me insane. These odd line breaks are driving me insane!
Leave me alone!
The girl talks:
“We are you, and you are us.” Scitzophernia? Or a girl crying inside?
That is all.

Over all, I get the message here. It told a story, but it was real and relateable to those who keep to themselves. In parts, some of your line breaks were in strange spots, where I thought it could all be one like in one complete thought. I understand that you want a choppy, almost confused skattered thought progression, but you achive that with out the certain breaks I pointed out. It also makes the poem too long, it would just be better without.
Also, where you talk about the orb and the round and round, I feel as if it almost throws off the story. You want to stick to narrative or dramatic, and stick with specific themes. The tone change threw myself as a reader off.

EmmaGrayce wrote:This is me
Or is this life?
This complicated orb
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Like a carousel
It
Makes
Me
Lose
Myself.
The voices,
They are driving me insane.
Leave me alone!
The girl talks:
“We are you, and you are us.”
That is all.

My absolute favourite part of this, and this is a brilliant piece. I can relate to this more than I ought to, but I can.
It's unique, and it's stunning. I absolutely love this.

- GhostlyImpressions.

hey thanks everyone for the comments, helps me a lot
this is the first time i have ever tried writing poetry in short lines so i wasn't too sure how it worked out!

That was really good, a very unique topic which makes it stand out all the more. The title ties in your line
"The girl weeps:
Be quiet!
What?
Oh.I apologize to the man
Sitting across from me
“I was not talking to you!
I retort, quick and stubborn are my words.
He looks puzzled
“There is no one else.”
Yes.
Yes she is right there,
The girl!"

Overall you did a really good job and I really liked it. Keep writing.

~Dannielle~

A very unique flow, but definetely an enjoyable piece. If you've accomplished what you wanted, I say well done!

It can be confusing with the breaks but I thought that it was amazing. I didn't mind the breaks because it was really good!