Alone

retrodisco666 wrote:People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.(i don't know if you meet to say tears instead of terms it makes sence both ways)

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards?

I think I have an issue,
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams, I only add this comma because you had one before. I made the 'or' in the beginning of this line bold because I wasn't sure about it. I think the rhythm would be smoother if you took it out. Read the poem out loud both ways
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fortune I don't know about this. I am guessing there are two correct spellings or someone would have caught this already. teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of This 'of' should be on the next line.
brightly colored cards?

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again. These two lines just annoyed me. I fell like there should be something more than this at the end of the stanza. It is missing something. But, I can't put my finger on it.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get through the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore I don't know I just think you could find a more descriptive word than beating because you have already said it a few times.
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testament,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I cannot (no space) be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes?
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards?

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst.

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life.
Alone.

retrodisco666 wrote:Shall I throw pennies in a well,
making magic wishes? you may want to use something different here, such as "wasting them on wishes." what you have is good, though the second line sounds like it has a bit more potential.
or shall I toss my dreams
upon a falling blue star?

Should I see a fourtune teller,
offer her my palm,
watch her deal a deck of
brightly coloured cards? I don't know if you intended for this to happen, but I loved the sound of the last line when it rhymed with the last line of the previous stanza.

I think I have an issue,
a problem if you will.
My heart is faltering
and there is nothing I can do.
Beat. Miss a beat,
then miss a beat again.

I need to know my fate
before it gets any worse.
I need to know if I will die,
or will I get threw the worst. "threw" should be "through"

People claim to have broken hearts,
but mine just won't work. Perhaps add another syllable here? The rhythm sort of sounded off. Also, try changing the period to a semicolon. Just a suggestion.
The machine is hardly beating anymore
and I am starting to come to terms. Loved this line, and the one before it.

I have written a will and testiment,
said all of my good byes.
Tonight my heart will beat it's last,
and I will surely die.

I can not be called a widow,
neither can I a bride "bride,"
so when I pass whilst sleeping,
I will be as I have been all my life. Really, really like this line.
Skip a line, maybe?
Alone.