losing a loved one

In Honor of Granny "C" the best nurse ever, who died on Oct. 12 at 7:15 in her home.
she will live with the angels...
Losing a Loved One




losing a loved one,
is the pain of a thousand heart breaks,
losing a loved one,
makes you feel like a dandy-lion: one puff from any direction and you will fall apart
Losing a loved one,
makes you feel as if your heart died with this person
losing a loved one,
you want to cry, laugh and scream at the same time
losing a loved one,
is the torture no-one ought to bear.

I wrote this from personal experince. my grandmother died and I had to honor her Memory.

O.K. so first of all I will feel really harsh reviewing this because it is about your Grandma and from the heart. Second of all I would get rid of the colored font. It just makes it harder to read and it is distracting. A poem should be made from the words not the color. Usually publishers don't allow colored font anyway. My first thought when I read this was "repetitive." But, I realized you made it to be that way. One thing I noticed that you capitalized 'Losing' once, but never did it again. I would change it so all or none of them were capitalized.

pointe2drama wrote:losing a loved one,
makes you feel like a dandy-lion: one puff from any direction and you will fall apart
Losing a loved one,

I would make this line into two. after: makes you feel like a dandy-lion:. It is a good place to break. Anyway this line is so much longer than all the others. It breaks up the rhythm. Just because you do not have one line between every "losing a loved one" doesn't mean the poem doesn't have rhythm. In fact when people use repetition they usually only say the repeated line a few times. Not so many like you have. It make the affect less obvious.

pointe2drama wrote:makes you feel as if your heart died with this person
losing a loved one,
you want to cry, laugh and scream at the same time

I think you could take out this line easily. I think it would improve the poem and the affect of repetition.

I guess that is all I have to say,

A. S.

Aside from what Calligraphy said, there isn't much left to fix. But I definitely agree that the line "Losing a loved on" doesn't need to be repeated quite so often. It took away a lot from the emotion of the poem, making it almost boring. If it were used a few less times, the effect it produces would increase exponentially.

I also think that if you made a stanza break before every time the line was repeated, it would make the poem flow etter at the same time as making it easier to read.

Sorry if this isn't very helpful,

Azula

hey guys,
thanks for your reviews:) i wrote this in the moment and not with future planning or editing.


first of all my poem got published!!! i emailed to some people and they published it!! so thats BIG news!!

I wrote this about my granny and i think she would have been proud of me so to me that is all that matters.

thanks for the reviews
Pointe

pointe2drama wrote:In Honor of Granny "C" the best nurse ever, who died on Oct. 12 at 7:15 in her home.
she will live with the angels...


Losing a Loved One




losing a loved one,
is the pain of a thousand heart breaks,
losing a loved one,
makes you feel like a dandy-lion: one puff from any direction and you will fall apart
Losing a loved one,
makes you feel as if your heart died with this person
losing a loved one,
you want to cry, laugh and scream at the same time
losing a loved one,
is the torture no-one ought to bear.


I wrote this from personal experince. my grandmother died and I had to honor her Memory.

i loved it, it was heartfilled