At the Sakura Tree

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*ALL CREDITS FOR THIS PICTURE GOES TO MY FRIEND SALEM. WHO MADE ME PAY ONE DOLLAR FOR THIS PICTURE >:[*

At the Sakura Tree


At the Sakura Tree I will wait,
the place we once met,
the place we last met.

Like a first
and last kiss,
you were always on my mind.

You would always stroke me gently
whenever I'd done something bad,
just to show gratitude.

I can see your face
giving me a broken smile.
A smile filled with joy
and sadness.

The way you brush my
crimson-like fur with your hand
take away my preying nature.

And how did it feel?
When you wrap your arms
around me,
embracing me.

But, you haven't come lately,
when will you?
Will you come back
and groom this scared little fox
once more?

When will you come back?
You have taught me so many things,
like a book that had never been touched,
yet you pick it up and kept turning
the pages to a new chapter.

Will you come back?
I'm not finish,
my story is still going,
but it can't go on to a new chapter
by itself.

How long have I been waiting for you?
The memories of you is
fading away,
I try my best to keep it safe.
The memories would disappear soon anyway,
like somebody ripping out the pages.

You're not coming back are you?
How long has it been
since you were gone?
I can't remember you face clearly anymore,
but I still remember the warmness from your hand,
so I'll wait for that feeling to come back to me.
I will wait, waiting for my first
and only friend.


AUTHOR'S COMMENT: I thought of this in 6th grade when I wrote a small piece of it on an index card along with the picture. I lost [ or threw it away ] it later on in my life but this is something that I really liked. I totally forgot how it goes so I ended up making this which I think is really bad in my case >.<
There was actually a sequel to this ( Which was on the back of the index card xD ) but I don't think I'll do it cause I also forgot how this one goes.
I never like this poem in my opinion :L

This is a free verse, I'm not trying to make it rhyme or anything like that .-.
OH and by the way, I need another word for warmness cause it doesn't sound right to me. Kept on writing WARMTHNESS.
I quickly over line the picture because I thought it look ugly for some reason, I do have the original and you can see it here:
Spoiler
Image


Tell me which one you like better :]
Last edited by Roal on Wed Oct 13, 2010 12:38 am, edited 3 times in total.
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.




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But... your haven't come lately,


typo. :) it's you, not your. or you're. lol, it was a good poem, though!
Run free. Be free. No one owns you.




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Krp0 wrote:
But... your haven't come lately,


typo. :) it's you, not your. or you're. lol, it was a good poem, though!


Thanks! I always find weird typos that weren't suppose to me here xD
is we'rent a word? O-o
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.




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Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
O.K. so, I like the second drawing best because it is kind of my style of drawing. But, I think you should lightly shade in the branches behind the leaves of the tree. Also, on the lower right hand side you missed the ground. I can see all the original pencil lines as well. I would get my eraser out. Haha sorry for reviewing a photo when you posted a poem.

Here is a great Dictionary/Thesaurus to find antonyms and synonyms.
At the Sakura Tree

At the Sakura Tree is where I will wait, This line just a bit quirky and is kind of a mouthful when you read it out loud. I guess it could be just me. I would rephrase it. Maybe like: At the Sakura tree I will wait,
at the place we once met,
and the place we last met. I think 'at' and 'and' are both unneeded and take away a lot from the rhythm and sound. O.K. read the two lines with 'at' and 'and' out loud then read them without what do you like better?

Like a first
and last kiss, These short lines make it seem really choppy these to lines could easily be one. You may think having a couplet by itself as a stanza is bad, but it really isn't.
you were always on my mind. I really like this stanza.

You would always stroke me gently
whenever I'd done something bad, O.K. I changed I've to I'd. Because I've is present tense and the line before that you were in past. Well, actually for the whole poem.
just to show gratitude. Why would he/she show gratitude when the dog (I am assuming) did something bad?

I could I think this should be changed to 'can' because if the speaker is remembering then it sounds weird to say I could. Because of course he/she could see the face unless he/she was blind. see your face
giving me a crooked... I don't really get the crooked part. If the smile was broken why would the ... thing have said it was crooked. How could he mistake that?
no... a scrap the 'a' because you also say 'a' in the line after this and you have said it one too many times. broken smile.
A smile filled with joy
and sadness.

~~~

And how does it feel? I don't get this line. First all 'does' should be changed to did if you want to see the consistent tense. Second of all if the fox (I am assuming) is remembering wouldn't he/she know what it felt like?
When you wrap your arms
around me,
embracing me.

But... This is the most overused form of punctuation right next to commas. But here a comma is correct. you haven't come lately,
when will you?
Will you come back
and groom this scared little fox
once more?

~~~

Would will you come back?
I'm not finished,
my story is still going,
but it can't go on to a new chapter
by itself. Why do these words get there own line? Why do you want to stress their importance?

~~~

You're not coming back are you?
How long has it been
since you were gone?
I can't remember you face clearly anymore,
but I still remember the warmness from your hand,
so I'll wait for that feeling to come back to me.
I will wait, waiting for my first
and only friend.


O.K. so overall this is pretty good. I suggest reading this out loud and paying attention to tense. You go back and forth a lot. I pointed out some cases, but I am sure there are more. This poem didn't captivate me. It wasn't a page turner. I didn't really care if I knew what happened. Yes it was telling a story, but not a super interesting one. I really didn't get interested towards the middle. At first I didn't even know it was a fox. I might be stupid, but I didn't make the connection with the picture. I want to read a fire. I want something to make me think when I am done. Right now I come away with nothing, but a picture book story. I hope I am not being to harsh.

Hope I helped,

Arahnia Siddel




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i loved the poem it is really good.
"the beauty of words. They can be many different things to many different people. It's all in how we listen. Or how we read." - Lyrical Inspiration (authors note) of Enemies and Playmates by Darcia Helle

-Formally tkpejb



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