Let's Dance Upon God's Great Night

Author's Note: Hello everyone. Here's my latest poem. I hope you enjoy it. I know it needs some help. Please give me your expertise (: ( I'm a little iffy about the ending )


Twirl with me in the depths of a star lit night.
Hand and hand we’ll waltz across the dark oceans,
Traveling turbulent distances
Without forgetting each other.

With racing hearts we’ll escape our demons.
We’ll keep each other safe,
Your knowledge of me keeping me sane.
Together we’ll give each other the ultimate high.

Let’s sing to a full moon.
Our voices out of tune, out of place in the still night.
We’ll talk forever and it’ll never get old.
The crickets will be the only reminder of another world.

Tonight we’ll dance upon God’s great night.
The moon will keep us alive,
Every star a symbol of our unspoken dreams.
With the wind blowing through our hair we’ll realize we’ll be free together.

This is a lovely poem! I was swept away by its cheery insouciance (word of the day!) and pure escapism. Giving each other "the ultimate high" seemed a little out of tune with the poem's tone, and I'm not sure what "God's great night" is. Those would be my only complaints.

My favorite lines were:

"Every star a symbol of our unspoken dreams."
"Your knowledge of me keeping me sane."
"Our voices out of tune, out of place in the still night."

*like*

O.K. I really can't help you much with this poem because it is like AWESOME, but I will try.

imaginemymind wrote:Twirl with me in the depths of a star lit night.
Hand and hand we’ll waltz across the dark oceans,
Traveling turbulent distances I like this line because it just shows how much they are in love because they 'turbulent' when they are apart. But, it (and the next line) just kind of seem detached from the beginning lines. If they want to waltz together wouldn't they be together? I don't know that was just my first thought when I read the poem for the first time.
Without forgetting each other.

With racing hearts we’ll escape our demons.
We’ll keep each other safe,
Your knowledge of me keeping me sane. This line is kind of confusing. Does it have a deeper meaning. Why his/her 'knowledge' of the other. I am not sure what type of 'knowledge' you are getting at. Physical? mental?
Together we’ll give each other the ultimate high.

~~~

Tonight we’ll dance upon God’s great night. It sounds odd saying 'night' twice in one sentence. I suggest using a different word for night the second time. Maybe even more specific.
The moon will keep us alive, What kind of moon? I know, after reading it a few times, that you said full moon before, but I still think you should add the word full again because the first time I read it I completely forgot and most people that I know only read a poem one or two times.
Every star a symbol of our unspoken dreams.
With the wind blowing through our hair I think that this line should be split into two here. Because the line before it is so short in comparison. we’ll realize we’ll be free together.

Haha I guess I did have a lot to say. Your imagery in this poem is really good, but a few more bigger vocabulary words would add a lot to it. Though you use some you use the more common ones. They aren't very... creative. Because I hear them more then once and a while it kind of makes the poem Bla. That is the only thing I can really see that you could improve. You are a truly good poet.

Hope I helped,

A. S.