Seaside Secrets

A spiral of bone,
turning in on itself
over and over again,
infinity found and lost-
it echoed back the dreams
whispered into that tapered end
with lips chapped and sore
from harsh winds of an ocean side,
uttered secrets that are
as big as the ocean,
and sound like it too.




So, I had wanted to try writing a piece where I never actually said what it was- however, I feel like I could really improve the middle of this, and I don't know what to do. Suggestions?
Thanks for reading. c:

-Coral-

Neat poem, as usual. =]

I think the middle is fine; for me, the weakest line is the last. With the line before it, the ending just gets a little bit too silly/child-like. Maybe change to something like this..?

vast as the ocean,
and sound it.

Great poem, keep writing!!

its a good poem. but i think the ending can be improved.
keep on writing!

Persephoneia wrote:A spiral of bone,
turning in on itself
over and over again, I don't like this line I already was picturing it that way and tons of people saw this. If you want to say it is spirally try a more original way. Something that kind of pops because it has never been heard before. This line is just bla.
infinity found and lost- I like this line.
it I think this should be capitalized because even though '-' isn't the end of the sentence it is the end of a thought. echoed back the dreams You change tenses to past for the rest of the poem. I wish it would just stay the same tense. it would sound better.
whispered into that This would sound better 'the' tapered end

I really like this poem. But, I also think the last line is the weakest. I would completely get rid of it. Besides my comments above that is really all I have to say. This is a great poem it has a lot of mystery, but it could use work.

Wish I could have helped more,

A. S.

P.S. I love your title.

it is cool.