The Fire Dies

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Hey guys, I haven't posted here in quite a while, and I haven't had a chance to write much. Recently I've become interested in poetry, and this is one of my first serious attempts at writing it. Not sure about the organization of the stanzas and such, so let me know what you think.

The honey-rich evening sunlight
Of a clear autumn day
Splashes droplets of liquid gold
Upon the face of the earth,
Painting the dying trees into shining candelabras
With leaves that glow like a gentle fire.

A fire, like the comforting blaze
Of the hearth back home,
Warming the heart
In a world full of cold.

A fire, like the soft caress
Of the spring breeze in the meadows of youth,
Bringing the promise of new life
In a world full of death.

A fire, like the radiant love
Of a mother’s soft smile,
Filling the soul with a sense of belonging
In a world full of hate.

A fire, like the eager ambition
Of childhood dreams long abandoned,
Bearing the power to change
In a world full of stagnation.

But the fire dies
Flickers out as that blazing orb sinks
Down below the distant hills,
Strips the trees of their gilded armor,
Leaves the land cold and dead,
Casts a shadow upon my soul.

In the growing twilight chill,
The fire is a distant dream.

Honest reviews greatly appreciated. Thanks a ton.
Last edited by denj on Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:26 am, edited 4 times in total.
-denj
Take it easy.




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Hey! Firstly, very well written.

I'm not fussy on grammar (so I wasn't looking) and nit-picking words is more my forte.

I love how you described the first stanza. It was easily my favourite. Equal first is the sixth. It kind of reminded me of a broken heart - is that what you intended?

Broken heart or not, it was amazing! Very good for a first (serious) try at poetry!

Keep writing poetry! You've got talent!

~ Rebz
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.




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Hi,
I think it's a really good poem especially if its a first attempt.I love your imagery but the first stanza still lacks the flow that is more prominent in the rest of the poem.I love your choice of words it really adds life to the poem.just try shortening the really long sentences to improve the flow.I guess I can't make any more suggestions.I would love to read more of your poems.
Keep writing :)
.........july4ruby.......
If you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost;that is where they should be .Now just put the foundations under them.




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denj wrote:Hey guys, I haven't posted here in quite a while, and I haven't had a chance to write much. Recently I've become interested in poetry, and this is one of my first serious attempts at writing it. Not sure about the organization of the stanzas and such, so let me know what you think.

~~~

A fire, I think you should add a comma after every 'A fire' it would greatly add to the feel of the poem and the way people read it. like the comforting blaze
Of the hearth back home
Warming the heart
In a world full of cold

~~~

Down below the distant hills
Strips the trees of their gilded armor
Leaves the land cold and This should just be a comma. I know you might be trying to add feeling, but in this case it really doesn't. Unless you put the 'and' at the end of the line on the next line it just sounds really weird. dead and
Casts a shadow upon my soul

In the growing twilight chill
The fire is a distant dream I like the ending.


I didn't really look out for grammatical errors because you don't have any punctuation. Truthfully this poem really didn't arouse any feelings in me or make me want to read more until the last two stanzas. Your descriptions are great, but this isn't a page turner. I want a first stanza that makes me feel like I am going to die if I don't read. Your first stanza just paints a pretty picture. Sorry if I am being harsh, this is really good for a first try, but you said you wanted a honest/harsh opinion.

I guess that is all I have to say. Try to make your first stanza captivating. I am not sure how you can do that though.

Sorry this review wasn't even helpful,

A. S.




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Thank you everyone for your reviews, they were all very helpful.

Rebz- Thank you very much. A broken heart is kind of what I am trying to convey, along with a longing for home and a sense of loss. There's some mixed emotion.

july4ruby- I see what you're saying about the first stanza, it really doesn't flow too well. I'll have to work on that.

And Calligraphy- Your review was really helpful. A harsh review was what I wanted. You pointed out some valid problems that I see now. I understand the lack of appeal in the first stanza, I'll remember that for future work. Even in my mind the first stanza doesn't express much emotion, it's just a description. I added commas and some other punctuation as you suggested. I hadn't even given thought to punctuating, so thanks.

Again, thanks to everyone for reviewing.
-denj
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I think it's a really good poem :)
I love how discriptive you are especially in the beginning
well done :)




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Love the theme and the execution. I'm not picky about grammar, so I wasn't really paying attention. I feel like the stanzas really grew on me, like with every one I read, I wanted to read more. This is Good. I did, however, feel that the second to last stanza about the childhood dreams and stagnation was a little forced. That is, I didn't feel like it flowed with the rest of the verses. However, I suggest a change in wording as apposed to removing it all together, as it really ties the theme to the rest of the poem in that it mentions dreams and then the verse directly after that mentions the fires and then the last sentence notes that the fire is a distant dream... Does that make any sense? I surely hope so. Unfortunate, I haven't the slightest idea of how you could re-word that stanza, and for this, I feel terrible. I do, however, hope that this was at least a little helpful.
"In the city lights, that's where you'll find
a beautiful soul and a broken mind."




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I did, however, feel that the second to last stanza about the childhood dreams and stagnation was a little forced. That is, I didn't feel like it flowed with the rest of the verses. However, I suggest a change in wording as apposed to removing it all together, as it really ties the theme to the rest of the poem in that it mentions dreams...

While the last thing I want to do is tell you exactly how to write, it might seem like I'm about to do just that. :/ I'll apologize ahead of time. I think, though, that for your second last verse you could have wrote something more like:
A fire, like the flailing arms
of child without a care,
the apotheosis of impartiality
In a world full of like-minds.

I don't mean that you should write those exact words, and I'm sorry if I obscured the exact meaning of your verse, but what I'm trying to say is that I think the difference between your verse and mine is that yours is a little too vague, with the subject(s) made inexplicit, where as my similies/metaphors are of a bit more literal substance. This not only helps the reader in that they have to think less while reading, but in this case also helps the verse fit in with your others more smoothly.
Other than that, good job :D
Good luck with your new-found flame for poetry! (Heee, lame puns...)
♥canni
The remainder is, An unjustifiable, egotistical, power struggle, At the expense of the American Dream.



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