Testament

What I was doing was a testament of love.
Our love because it's still there.
I just need to bring it back.
He is my life and without him I will die better her than me Because she claims she loves him he thinks he loves her I know differently.
He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know that everything I do is for him, not for me, for us.
I love him.
The shotgun is cold and dark and heavy where it rests underneath my big trench coat. It's green, he gave it to me for Christmas when things were good.
My hands are shaking.
He means everything to me. He's all I have.
Her hands are curled around her stomach, a big, round silky orb.
Fortune teller fingers. Slits for eyes.
I need him.
I open the jacket, my breath is heavy and broken, fogging up before me, smoking from within and reach for the cold, hard heavy, revolver.
I remember.
I remember when he said he loved me. And I knew I loved him, too.
There's a chill in the room, the dark night sets in, creeps through the open window. There are no stars tonight.
He didn't mean to. One night and she did it on purpose. She thinks it will keep them together.
There was someone in there, that someone was his.
I remember distress. I remember fury. My own.
I remember the cold, dark, heavy revolver, in it's shimmery case.
She slept and dreamed and smiled. It grew.
It needs to go before we can be together. We were in love. We will be again. Without it.
I can't live without him.
His hand woke me up from her peaceful slumber. His hand brought me back to him. He's beautiful.
My heart beats for him, his heart beats for me, I know it does. It radiates blood through my being. I can see it beneath his skin.
He wants me back. I want him too.
Don't do this
and my heart beats for him
But I need to, I need us. It's coming in between everything that we are.
Don't do this
And his heart beats for me.
I can't.
And with the tiniest little click the gun snapped and a bullet went through his heart.
I love you
And my heart turns, cold, dark, heavy metal.


AN: I just wrote this on a whim.. didn't even read it over, don't be too harsh but what do you think?

Hi there! This was a really good piece. I loved the raw emotions it brought out and I could really feel your narrator's pain. The only thing I recommend you work on is getting your periods in between the different sentences. I was confused on some parts because it felt like the sentences should've been seperated a little more. Other than that I think this was an excellent piece!

Hello Princess. My, doesn't that sound friendly. My ears are being subdued with Secondhand Serenade so I'm really in a romantic story type mood. Anyway, I'll be reviewing your work for you tonight.

He is my life and without him I will die(. ; ,) better her than me Because she claims she loves him, he thinks he loves her. I know differently.

Where I put the parenthesis with the three punctuations that I inserted was meant to send across all the message that you needed to pick one of the three endings for that part of what I believe was meant to be one sentence. However, if you choose the period and separate it into two sentences, it is very obvious that you must capitalize the 'b' in 'better'. Also, "Because" should not have a capital letter in it.

The shotgun is cold, and dark, and heavy where it rests underneath my big trench coat.

You missed a few commas and added an 'and' that was not needed.

I open the jacket, my breath is heavy and broken, fogging up before me, smoking from within and I reach for the cold, hard, heavy, revolver.

I've made the corrections in bold that I caught but I'd also like to note that this sentence was worded rather awkwardly. I suggest revising it so that the one sentence is truncated into two.

And I knew I loved him, too.

There is actually no comma needed in this sentence.

She slept, and dreamed, and smiled.

I've found the same mistakes here as in the second quote. If you want to keep both and's anyway, you still must insert commas.

His hand woke me up from her peaceful slumber.

This sentence is, in simple terms, confusing. I've no idea what the main character is trying to say and it disrupts an otherwise steady flow.

Don't do this

It's imperative that a punctuation mark be put at the end of the statement. This also goes for the repetition of this phrase a few lines down.

And with the tiniest little click the gun snapped and a bullet went through his heart.
I love you.

Why did she shoot the man? Was it a slip of the gun or was it intentionally? I was under the impression that her motive was to kill the woman that was hindering the love that she believed they had for each other. If you could elaborate the ending further to me I would be extremely grateful.

This had a nice flow and plenty of raw emotion. I especially like the way you choose to arrange and choose your words, it really shows how distressed and, quite frankly, crazy the main character is. Like I've stated not too long ago, the ending rattled my brain a bit. I don't know if she shot him on purpose or not. It left me wondering; I like that in a story. Anyway, that is really all.

Ta-ta.

Hello there

I loved this piece. The emotions in it were very intense and, even if it's short, we get into it. The overall story is a bit blurry but I do not think it matters all that much; the emotions are so powerful we can figure out what happened. And, I loved the format, it was really easy to read and lightens the intense emotions a bit for us.

And my heart turns, cold, dark, heavy metal.

I really liked this line here

His hand woke me up from her peaceful slumber. His hand brought me back to him. He's beautiful.
My heart beats for him, his heart beats for me, I know it does. It radiates blood through my being. I can see it beneath his skin.

I also want to point this out. I loved the feeling of it, the flow and everything.

Powerful piece
Keep writing!

-Truth-