The Apocalypse

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A weird dream that I had, and I wanted to get it on paper. I'm not that believes in the end of the world on 12/21/12, so I don't know why I would be dreaming about this... whatever, enjoy :]


A single blue Porsche 911 Turbo speeds along an abandoned highway. Upturned cars lay on the sides of the highway, flames still arising from some. The car avoids deep cracks that blossom over the road, spewing lava out of them. Blackened trees lay fallen on the sides of the roads, their leaves long forgotten. There is no grass, only dirt and mud. Bodies lay on the side, still as the silence in the air.

The car revs his engine, and speeds faster down the ghost highway. The driver adjusts his rearview mirror, and smiles. He watches as the red Convertible Mustang rides up alongside and the driver looks over. She smiles a wide white-toothed smile, and lowers her sunglasses. Her eyes were as blue as the Caribbean waters. He smiles back, but not lowering his own sunglasses, fearing his identity would be exposed. Suddenly, her grin becomes wider, and she rides ahead, not wanting to lose their race. He chuckles under his breath, and follows suit.

Catching up to her, the cars go back and forth between first and second. They both laughed and smiled, their chuckles echoing in the lifeless air. They could do whatever they wanted, for they knew that they were the only two left.

The end was getting closer and closer, and they both slowed down. They were both neck and neck, each nearing the edge of the cliff. A bridge lay crumbled at the bottom it, acid rising from the once was river. Suddenly the Mustang pulled ahead, and skidded to a stop at the edge, while one rock flew down the steep. It clanged down to the bottom of it, and landed with a soft thud at the bottom. They both got out of the car, the woman still laughing. The man rolled his eyes, but walked over to her.

“Good game.” He said, extending his hand toward her. She stared at it, but raised her hand to do the same.
Before they could grasp each other’s hands, a loud whooshing of wind made both of them jump. A whirlwind of cars, sand, and flames was flying towards them. The woman screamed and ran to her car. She won’t get far, he thought. The storm is merciless. He heard her scream as she was taken up, car and all. He looked over, and the last thing he saw was his car, with the calendar on his windshield. 12/21/12. The Apocalypse.
"Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out you're safe,
From the weight of the world,
Just take a second to set things straight,
I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right,
I can count on the sun to shine,
Dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night."
-All Time Low




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Hey,

Well erm, well um, well basically I loved it. It was very descriptive, very fast pacing, very "out there." You mad eme smile in places, you made me think. You have a vivid imagination. My bad point would be fine tuning of things.
Bodies lay on the side, still as the silence in the air.

If the car you mentioned previous is on the road, there would be no silence.
Just go through it with a "fine comb" and think about the ltitle details. This piece has the potential to be amazing and with a few things changing or whatever it could one of the best.

PM me for anything at all. If you would like a more detailed review just ask.

Well done!

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Awesome job! I alway love Apocalypse stories, so...yeah, just throwing that out there. I think it' important that you know what kind of person I am before I review. Right? Right?! Righ.

Nitpicks
Spoiler
A single blue Porsche 911 Turbo speeds along an abandoned highway. Upturned cars lay on the sides of the highway, flames still arising from some. The car (here I would clarify that this car is the blue Porsche.) avoids deep cracks that blossom over the road, spewing lava out of them. Blackened trees lay fallen on the sides of the roads, their leaves long forgotten. There is no grass, only dirt and mud. Bodies lay on the side of the road, still as the silence in the air.

The car revs it's engine, and speeds faster down the ghost highway. The driver adjusts his rearview mirror, and smiles. He watches as the red Convertible Mustang rides up alongside and the driver looks over. She smiles a wide white-toothed smile, and lowers her sunglasses. (This kindof confused me at first, and I had to reread the lines to get it right. So the guy is driving the Porsche and the girl is driving the Convertible, correct?) Her eyes were as blue as the Caribbean waters. He smiles back, but not lowering his own sunglasses, fearing his identity would be exposed. Suddenly, her grin becomes wider, and she rides ahead, not wanting to lose their race. He chuckles under his breath, and follows suit.

Catching up to her, the cars go back and forth between first and second. They both laughed and smiled, their chuckles echoing in the lifeless air. (Wouldn't the revving of the engines drown out their chuckles?)They could do whatever they wanted, for they knew that they were the only two left.

The end (end of what? The road? The world's edge?)was getting closer and closer, and they both slowed down. They were both neck and neck, each nearing the edge of the cliff. A bridge lay crumbled at the bottom of it, acid rising from what was once a river. Suddenly the Mustang pulled ahead, and skidded to a stop at the edge, while one rock flew down the cliff. (steep doesn't really describe a cliff) It clanged down to the bottom of it, and landed with a soft thud at the bottom. They both got out of the car, the woman still laughing. The man rolled his eyes, but walked over to her.

“Good game.” He said, extending his hand toward her. She stared at it, but raised her hand to do the same.
Before they could grasp each other’s hands, a loud whooshing of wind made both of them jump. A whirlwind of cars, sand, and flames was flying towards them. The woman screamed and ran to her car. She won’t get far, he thought. The storm is merciless. He heard her scream as she was taken up, car and all. He looked over, and the last thing he saw was his car, with the calendar on his windshield. 12/21/12. The Apocalypse.


Questions/Comments

*Actally, I don't really have any questions. I said basically everything I needed to say in my nitpicks-section-thingy.

Overall

Nice piece! Dreams like this are always lots of fun to ponder in the morning, am I right? And a dream this detailed is pretty creepy...I like it!

- G




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I really like this piece. Usually, I'm not into stories which involve the "modern" world (taking into account your story, I am referring to the cars) but this one is really good. The way you leave some details out, such as: Are the man and the woman related to each other? WHO were they to survive when all others were dead? Why the man wanted to hide his identity? The way you end the story also leaves suspense hanging; the reader would want to read the explanation (i.e. the rest of the book)
bottom it
This is the only mistake I could get hold of. Otherwise, well done :)




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Hey there. I'm Moo, and I'll be reviewing this short piece. :D

Blackened trees lay fallen on the sides of the roads, their leaves long forgotten. There is no grass, only dirt and mud. Bodies lay on the side, still as the silence in the air.


This is about all the description in the piece, and probably the best example of it. Unfortunately it's rather bland. Make your writing stand out with colourful adjectives. Make the reader sit back and think, 'wow.' Your description is very minimalist, however it doesn't work with the piece. ;)

Also, if there is two cars racing down a highway, I'm sure their engines would be roaring. So I didn't imagine it as silent.

I know GrantBlayfur already picked up on this one, but there was a mistake in the correction:

The car revs his engine


'His' should be replaced with 'its' with no apostrophe.

Suddenly the Mustang pulled ahead, and skidded to a stop at the edge, while one rock flew down the steep. It clanged down to the bottom of it, and landed with a soft thud at the bottom. They both got out of the car, the woman still laughing. The man rolled his eyes, but walked over to her.


Before they could grasp each other’s hands, a loud whooshing of wind made both of them jump. A whirlwind of cars, sand, and flames was flying towards them.


Again. Bland and boring. I felt no fear for the couple. They most likely died a horrid death, and I failed to care. Show us their pure terror as the storm engulfs them. Make the reader care that these two characters are about to die. For a start, it would help if they had names or personalities. Seeing as this piece is so short, I think that would be difficult, so I wouldn't worry about that one. Just a thought to pick up on in future, though.

A final note: If I'm going to be honest, I found the content a little tiresome and boring to read through. Give me excitement, colour, slam the impact of this terrible storm on the reader. Make them care. ;)

Thanks for posting, and keep writing. :)

-Moo
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

--Carl Sandburg




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Yeah... the end of the world. I didn't really care. Description. Or make the story longer, to make the reader care.




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hey,
my name is francis and i will review what i thought about your story entitled "The Apocalypse" Ok good start I enjoy a good 2012 apocalypse setting. now im wondering will you continue with the current story after the blackout? or maybe go for a flashback? i suggest have him wake up and see something that sparks a memory, dont give up to much though, that might cage the plot in later in case you might want to work a twist in. overall a good piece. keep writing!




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Hey ,
First off I think all writers who tackle Armageddon are daring and brave. I like you story it has unbelievable potential, except for that its very random and almost too silly for 2012. First off if there is lava spewing out of the ground the tires of his car would melt completely, as would the asphalt. If the man in the story is the MC we must know more, all we know is that he is this guy in a nice car that is untouched by this disaster. Again, things must be chaotic, if its just cruddy world and happy people then there is no emotion. The end of the world is a very emotional time (I imagine) but keep at it its a very easy topic to expand on. Check put my Armageddon story and good work ;)
~MAri0O07~
LIVE, LOVE, AND WRITE
to express your self is not weird its natural and, in my opinion, AWESOME!!!!




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
Hey ,
First off I think all writers who tackle Armageddon are daring and brave. I like you story it has unbelievable potential, except for that its very random and almost too silly for 2012. First off if there is lava spewing out of the ground the tires of his car would melt completely, as would the asphalt. If the man in the story is the MC we must know more, all we know is that he is this guy in a nice car that is untouched by this disaster. Again, things must be chaotic, if its just cruddy world and happy people then there is no emotion. The end of the world is a very emotional time (I imagine) but keep at it its a very easy topic to expand on. Check put my Armageddon story and good work ;)
~MAri0O07~
LIVE, LOVE, AND WRITE
to express your self is not weird its natural and, in my opinion, AWESOME!!!!




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Interesting story.

But, I have a question.
Why would they be racing, simply because they are the only two people left in the world?




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Honestly, I have no idea. Haha. Keep in mind that this was a dream, and I have no intention of going any farther with it. It's really pointless honestly.

--Lise
"Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out you're safe,
From the weight of the world,
Just take a second to set things straight,
I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right,
I can count on the sun to shine,
Dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night."
-All Time Low




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Points 2218
Reviews 297
The car revs his engine, and speeds faster down the ghost highway.
It would be smoother if this went "The 's engine is revved as it speeds faster down the ghost highway.".

Oh, wow. This was an amazing story. I really liked it. Very well written. Awesome job. You had a great mix of emotion and description. Really great idea too, I love it. Maybe I'll have to write a poem about this now...

Thanks for the inspiration!! I loved reading this!!

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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This was a nice piece overall, but it could use some work. Add a bit more description, and give some creative spice to it. Make the reader feel absorbed into this 'Apocalypse world". Although it was a dream, you can make it feel as vivid and terrifying as if it was real. I liked it, but it could be improved.




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Very simple. Since it was a dream, that's a bit understandable. However, I enjoyed it very much. If there was any possible way that you could elaborate the ending more, instead of making it sort of, you know, stop, it would probably bring more of an edge to the piece. Not to say it was bad, just throwing out a suggestion. Loved. it.(:
Southern hospitality just ain't what it used to be...

...Ain't what it used to be...




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It's very good that you remembered a dream good enough to write it. I never remember any dreams, and it sucks. But yeah, great job. Very descriptive of how the bodies were on the side of the road as they were racing. Why were they racing? Well, it was a dream so I guess you couldn't tell. Great job though.

Tyler.
"Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."

-Queen



If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke