So Far, Perfect

We used to live inside a fairy tale--
With colors, music, life and love.
It was, so far, the perfect world,
And we were, so far, the perfect pair.

We used to be always together--
With hugs, kisses, and entwined hands.
We were, so far, the perfect pair,
And we had, so far, the perfect love.

We used to live altruistically--
With secrets, lies, and made-up truths.
We had, so far, the perfect love,
And it was so far the perfect world.

We used to believe that everything lasts--
But we had doubt, hatred, and confusion.
It slowly ruined our perfect world,
And we realized we're never the perfect pair.

*reviews will be appreciated.

Hey there, about your poem, it's a little annoying if you keep on repeating the same words.

We used to live inside a fairy tale--
With colors, music, life and love.
It was, so far, the perfect world,
And we were, so far, the perfect pair.

We used to be always together--
With hugs, kisses, and entwined hands.
We were, so far, the perfect pair,
And we had, so far, the perfect love.

We used to live altruistically--
With secrets, lies, and made-up truths.
We had, so far, the perfect love,
And it was so far the perfect world.

We used to believe that everything lasts--
But we had doubt, hatred, and confusion.
It slowly ruined our perfect world,
And we realized we're never the perfect pair.

Overall, I enjoyed reading it but you have to improve it to make it much more better.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

Hey there, Telle!

This has potential...and it is cute as it is. What I'm here to do is polish it up and see how we could make it better. We're going to do this together, Telle. Are you ready?

Okay:

We used to live inside a fairy tale-- <---don't need the dash, but it's your choice
with colors, music, life and love.
It was, so far, the perfect world;
and we were, so far, the perfect pair.

I'm going to explain this on this one stanza and let you fix the remainders based on what I showed you, Telle. So noted in red are the words was and were. These would be fine in this context, but you use the words so far in the same sentence, which causes a tense shift...and that is a major no-no. So the solution is simple, and it will add a heap of style to the poem. What I suggest is creating a flashback with the last two lines of each stanza. Watch this:

We used to live inside a fairy tale
with colors, music, life and love.
It is, so far, the perfect world;
and we are, so far, the perfect pair.

The italicized lines work for a number of reasons in this system. First off, the meter. The first two lines follow a pattern and the last two lines follow a pattern. Thus, italicizing the last two will help distinguish. Now, what we've done is create a flashback, which is still sort-of a tense shift, but not in a bad way. We have one sentence in past tense and one sentence in present tense, like a memory. Does that make sense?

This way, you eliminate your grammar blip and add style and format to your writing. The same can be done to each of the subsequent stanzas, except for the last, which I will note separately.

You'll also notice that I fixed some punctuation and capitalization above. I'll note that for the rest of the stanzas as well.

We used to be always together-- <---still don't need the dash, but it's your choice
with hugs, kisses, and entwined hands.
We were, so far, the perfect pair; (are)
and we had, so far, the perfect love. (have)

We used to live altruistically-- <---still don't need the dash, but it's your choice.
with secrets, lies, and made-up truths.
We had, so far, the perfect love; (have)
and it was so far the perfect world. (is)

We used to believe that everything lasts,
but we had doubt, hatred, and confusion.
It slowly ruined our perfect world,
And we realized we're(we were) never the perfect pair.

The last stanza should be fine the way I have it marked.

All-in-all, I really liked this poem! I love the feeling of recollection and I'm going to follow you for now on! Let me know when you update so I can admire its shiny new coat of paint!

-Lumiface

Hey. I thought that this poem was quite good. My personal opinion, is that grammar and capitalized letters are the author's choice for a poem, and that the repetition of the lines gave the poem consistency. (My personal opinion. Trash what I said if you wish.)

I thought that the poem was well written, and that it also had a good idea. I just thought that the last stanza didn't flow as well as the others. But other than that, I thought it was really good.

I agree with kingolions! Great poem. You used the repetition really well.

This reminds me a little bit of "Mean" by P!nk. But anyways.

I personally like that you repeat lines - at first I thought it was just a kind of overlooked mistake repetition because I only noticed that "it was, so far, a perfect love" used twice, but then I realized you used "perfect pair" twice in exactly the same way and I figured you did it on purpose - almost as a kind of refrain, but a very subtle one instead of repeating an entire stanza several times. One thing, though:

And it was so far the perfect world.

To keep things going as they have been through the rest of the poem, there should be a comma before "so far" and again after "so far."

That's all for now.

telle_04 wrote:We used to live inside a fairy tale--
With colors, music, life and love.
It was, so far, the perfect world,
And we were, so far, the perfect pair.

We used to be always together--
With hugs, kisses, and entwined hands.
We were, so far, the perfect pair,
And we had, so far, the perfect love.

We used to live altruistically--
With secrets, lies, and made-up truths.
We had, so far, the perfect love,
And it was so far the perfect world.

We used to believe that everything lasts--
But we had doubt, hatred, and confusion.
It slowly ruined our perfect world,
And we realized we're never the perfect pair.

*reviews will be appreciated.

So... I liked the beginning a lot. You do a good job with beginnings, and then your endings fall apart. Don't know why, but out of the poems I've read of yours, it happens.

And... you got a little comment happy, but that's okay because I think it worked for this poem. It was choppy, but somehow I didn't mind. It kind of made the rhythm and set a pace to the reader.

The ending though, those last two lines, don't have as much punctuation, and they're pretty long. I believe this is what has thrown the flow off. The fact that's it not choppy, and suddenly we loose that flow you had going.

Also, throughout reading it, I was expecting it to go somewhere else. I mean, what you did makes sense, but once again it was building up. The beginning had drawn me in, the middle had built me up, and then the end just kind of lets me down. Leaves a sour feeling in my mouth. I believe this is because the ending's kind of... cheesy, not to be rude.

Okay, so they realized they were never the perfect pair? Why should I care? What does that matter to me as a reader. I'm only left asking why they realized that, and why it should make an impact of me that they did. I want more from this ending as a reader. Something I can draw from it, besides the fact that this couple was not a perfect pair.

Other than the ending, I really liked it. I think with a bit of fixing, you can make it a lot better. You have a good start, both in the poem and poem-wise (if that makes any sense).

I think everyone else has it covered. Umm... well, I like it, but its kind of repetitive. Not the poem, I know that was intentinal. The idea. Do something little to made different.

wow, guys.
thanks so much for the feedbacks. i greatly appreciated them.