Till Death Do Us Apart-(Prologue)

Hey there all of you. So this is a story which is going to be written jointly by Bluewaterlilyand Shubhi. This is our new combined ID. The prologue is here and all yours now. We'd be glad to have your help and if you need reviews you could contact us on our individual IDs. Thanks a ton!

Here's the Club for the novel, join us: Page

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a weak pale vermilion.
Through the mist that the smoke formed, I could make out one thing, which I could have never even missed in my dreams. His hands were rolled around her waist, and his lips widened into a heart warming smile. He gently pulled over the strands of her black curls behind her ears and with the remaining ones he made a spiral, covering his finger. She tilted her head a bit, admired his square face with her rolling eyes and then the magic spread.
For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. For stealing their night. But in a hall packed of hundreds there were other hundred eyes which just couldn't stop wondering and appreciating the beauty they presented them with. The systematic rhythm that their body had gained and the slow momentum with which they revolved around the stage was a spell for every couple.
When my eyes couldn't bare more of it, I twitched back my glance at my love for now, Jake. His teeth, rowed in a straight line, his neatly trimmed brows and the sweet smell of his cologne made its way through my throat. The boy who stood before me could very well had been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. But why couldn't he be my dream? Why did my face keep on dodging to where the epic couple was dancing? Why was the agony of seeing them together cutting down my heart into pieces? The answer sat right there in front of me, but my eyes just didn't want to see it.

I clutched onto Jake's shoulders a bit more tightly, afraid to lose his love as well. I had already lost Eric and losing Jake would have been a total defeat. He held my waist tightly, knowing very well that all his efforts were going in vain. I breathed in his smell, took breaths according to his heartbeat; I just wanted to be his. But you know how the heart is. No coordination with the mind!
For the hundredth time during the prom night, I rotated my head to peer in their direction. Their lips moved towards each other. Gently, he tilted her head up to his as his lips brushed softly against hers. The gesture was so tender and loving, it pierced my heart with pain and jealousy. I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes. I wore the same facade I had been trying to don all this while; I tried to seem happy with my partner. But inside, my whole world was falling apart, and my heart felt like a piece of glassware, shattered into a million pieces.

I knew then...Eric was unforgettable.


In case you didn't notice, all these weird mistakes are characteristics of my writing, i.e. Shubhi's...So thanks for bearing with them. Blue wrote the kissing scene.

Hey!

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into.

I really like this as an opening line, but the phrasing at the end is quite clumsy. Perhaps something like "left in me" or "carved in me" or "reduced me to" or something along those lines would make more sense.

mere pale scarlet.

Scarlet is in itself a bright, vivid red, so you can't really have 'pale scarlet'. Maybe choose some lighter shade of red or pink?

I could see and make out

These mean the same thing, so there's not really any point in putting both of them. I would suggest going with just one.

His perfect shining teeth rowed in a perfect line

"Row" is a noun, so using it in this way doesn't really make sense. It would be better with a verb like "stood", "shone", etc.

The systematic rhythm that their body had gained and the slow momentum with which they revolved around the stage was a spell for every couple.

Love this bit.

and my heart felt like a piece of glassware, shattered into a million pieces.I felt as if a sharp pointed glass had just been scratched on my neck.

To me, two different similes directly after each other is a bit too much. I much prefer the image of the heart shattering to the slightly random throat-scratching, which I would more associate with physical pain than heartbreak. Also, I found having them both meant the imagery was quite cluttered.

Overall though, nitpicks aside, I though this was a good prologue and did a great job of setting up the character dynamics. I especially liked the description of the heart at the beginning and the state her boyfriend had left her in. It would maybe have been nice to have some more about why exactly she's so besotted with this Eric character. But I assume that's all to come, and I hope you post more of this soon 'cause I'd definitely like to read it.

hey....blueshubs! Welcome to YWS!! haha.
Tanya here, for a review of course.

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into

I really love this as an opening. I smiled when I read it, dashed to the kitchen to make a hasty lunch and ran back to read. Nice hook, guys!

As for the nitpicks, Kiwi has them all down pat.

Great prologue. It pulled me in. We've all felt before as if our worlds were torn apart. Torn by some boy or girl we liked and I could totally relate to that.

Nicely done, ladies, and I can't wait to read some more!!

Pm me?
Tanya

Hey there, guys

I'm here to review as requested! I apologise in advance if I repeat anything that's already been said... I'll try to be careful not to though, especially in the nit-picks.

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a mere pale scarlet.

Great opening

He gently pulled over the strands of her black curls behind her ears and with the remaining ones, he made a spiral, covering his finger. She tilted her head a bit, admired his square face with her rolling eyes and then the magic spread.

--- A new paragraph would be nice here ---

For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. But in a hall packed of hundreds there was another hundred eyes that just couldn't stop their mouths from falling open.

The boy who stood before me could very well have been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. But why couldn't he be my dream? Why did my face keep on dodging to where the epic couple were dancing?

I clutched onto Jake's shoulders a bit more tightly, afraid to lose his love as well. I had already lost Eric and losing Jake would have been a total defeat. He held my waist tightly, knowing very well that all his efforts were going in vain. I breathed in his smell, took breaths according to his heartbeat; I just wanted to be his. But you know how the heart is. No coordination with the mind!

--- New paragraph would be nice here ---

For the hundredth time during the prom night I rotated my head to peer in their direction. Their lips moved towards each other. Gently, he tilted her head up to his as his lips brushed softly against hers. The gesture was so tender and loving, it pierced my heart with pain and jealousy. I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes.

Overall

As a whole, this was a good prologue. I've actually tried writing a novel with a member from YWS before, but I had to stop writing it because I had too many exams and homework going on because it was the end of the school year. Reading this has made me want to do a shared novel again... Anyway, as I was saying! I adored the way you opened this prologue. I thought that it created a great image in my head and it was nice and vivid. After reading that, I had to read on. You may have noticed that from my nit-picks that I suggested you to paragraph a few areas, but bare in mind that they're just suggestions. Your paragraphing as a whole was fine, I'm just weird and like paragraphs. Your descriptions were vivid and you wrote them in a way that flowed nicely.

It's kind of hard to critique first chapters, let alone prologue's. I don't want to make any real judgements yet because it's only the very beginning of the novel. The only little thing I want to mention is that, right now, this novel's a tad bit cliché. Like I just said, considering this is only the prologue, I'm not going to complain about that. You guys have plenty of time to progress this into something that's original and has a really great plot. I'm just warning you in advance that the whole 'I'm in love with a guy but he doesn't love me' kind of thing has been used a lot. I'm pretty confident that you'll put your own twist on this and keep the story unpredictable and interesting.


The only other small thing I want to mention is that I noticed you using words like pierced, pointed, heart and glass quite a lot in this. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... What I will say though is that you need to make sure you don't get a bit too repetitive with your descriptions and word choices. I noticed you using similar descriptions here and there in this prologue. Watch out for them. Except for those little nit-picks, there's nothing else I have to say. I'll hopefully be able to give you guys a better review next time xD

Keep writing and good luck with the shared novel,

xoxo Skins

Hey Lily! Shubhi!
Whoot! A collab I want to do one too, you make me jealous lol :3
So, anyway, I'm here to review, (what else)

Nitpicks/suggestions

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into.

I know this has been said already but I'm going to repeat it just for the heck of it. I think this is a gorgeous opener. The first sentence is just lovely, deep, catching and it definitely does it justice. *Applauds*
My only nitpick is the left me into part at the end. I know, I'm being overly picky, but technically speaking...ruins cannot be left into. Do you see what I'm saying?
You can say she would introduce you to the ruins he left behind or something along those lines but the left into part just isn't really working for me.

For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. But in a hall packed of hundreds there were other hundred eyes which just couldn't stop their mouths from falling open.

This description right here seems to be leaning towards the more negative side. Are they jealous of the beautiful couple? When I first read this, I thought the outsiders wanted to bite the couple's heads off. A zealous, angry crowd, is what I imagined. If they were jealous, I think this could have been written quite differently to get that, "I hate you but I admire the magic you two bring," kind of emotion.

Jake. His perfect shining teeth rowed in a perfect line, his neatly trimmed brows and the sweet smell of his cologne made its way through my throat. The boy who stood before me could very well have been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. (unrealistic, everyone has at least one fault. Even Edward Cullen has faults.) But why couldn't he be my dream?

I don't like this perfect repetition here, sorry guys.
Also, if he's so perfect, why not choose him and get over it, right? I mean, he's perfect!
Oh! Wait, she doesn't want a perfect guy? Cliche and somewhat unrealistic. If I found a perfect guy, I would jump on him and never let him go. I mean, who cares about the other guy then? If he was the dream-guy of every girl and he has you in his arms, I would hold tight and not look any other way.
On a second note, perfect is boring, that why perfect characters never get the lead role. Right?
It's the faults that we're attracted do. But I see where you're going with this character, I just wish he was less prince charming and more realistic.
But hey, it's romance! X3. I find romance to always be cliche, then again, I think love itself is almost a bit cliche. My thoughts.

For the hundredth time during the prom night(,) I rotated my head to peer in their direction.

I would loose a word in here.

I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes. I focused on dancing with Jake, appearing perfectly happy on the outside in case they should look.

The wording is a bit weird here...
Or maybe you could just leave out the, 'in case they should look' part because it's understood she wants to seem happy on the outside, to hide her true feelings.

I felt as if a sharp pointed glass had just been scratched on my neck.

Why on her neck? D:
Is there a specific feeling you were going for? Right now, I'm saying ouch and whoa! Blood! XD


Overall

First of all, congrats on getting this piece together. Penguin for you!

Now, back to the real critique. Dun, dun, dunnn!
For a prologue, I thought this wasn't very prologue-ish. It seemed to be more like a scene, but then, I thought about it again. It seems like this is scene from maybe the future? Is it a possibility that your story will start with Eric and the protagonist together and then they'll break-up and then she'll be with Jake, here at the prom where she realizes she won't have anyone but him. Then, she'll get back together with Eric. Am I right? Don't say it...I'll find out myself, xD. If I'm right, you give me a penguin! 8D

Alright, that being said, it seems to be quite predictable right now, but it's still too soon to tell. Who knows, maybe Eric will die, XD Okay, I'm going to stop. Since this is the prologue, I don't have much to comment on, I mean, if I should get into the grammar and punctuation, there were just a few things that I thought you missed, such as the commas and stuff. No biggie, plus I'm also aware of Shubhi's writing style so I left most of it alone and just commented on the things that stood out to me. Don't feel that you need to change them just because what I said, those were my thoughts so if you agree, then feel free to do as you wish

Well, this review is long enough for a prologue. I apologize for my rambling, I'm in the car right now and have nothing to do...thus I'm typing out more than I need to. Traffic...XP
Let me know when you guys post the next chapter I'll be waiting.
Oh! One last thing, nice job Lily on the kiss scene. It was nicely executed :3 (haha)
Much love,

~Shear

Thanks a lot, guys.

I understand what you all mean by this being a sorta cliche. We won't reveal much but this isn't a simple love story and as Skins said we would introduce our own twist. So you can watch out on that.

Secondly thanks Kiwi for telling me(Shubhi) the scarlet thing. I don't know why I had this impression of it being a light colour. Maybe my pastels lied to me when they marked a light shade of red as scarlet.

Oh, we would work out on the flaws and then edit it. Thanks once again.

~Shubhi and Blue

Wow! Alright so I'm finally here!
Alright, so corrections and such are highlighted in red.
The epic stuff is highlighted in purple!
And my own comments are in bold.

BlueShubs wrote:

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. This would be a pretty good sentence, but that last word doesn't make much sense. You could turn 'left' into 'turned'. Or you could just get rid of the 'to' in 'into'. Or, you could completely recompose the sentence, but I don't see why you would do that. xD The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a weak, pale vermilion.

Overall, I liked the description in the paragraph. She really does sound crushed so far. Props to you. xD

BlueShubs wrote:Through the mist that the smoke formed, I could make out one thing, which I could have never even missed in my dreams. His hands were rolled around her waist, and his lips widened into a heart warming smile. He gently pulled over You don't really need the over. I guess you could keep it, but I might get rid of it. That's just me though, so...xD the strands of her black curls behind her ears and with the remaining ones he made a spiral, covering his finger. Other than that little bit, I really liked this sentence! And I might take the 'over' out, as the sentence is sort of long already. She tilted her head a bit, admired his square face with her rolling eyes and then the magic spread.

Now I'm wondering, is Eric her boyfriend, or just a crush? Because if he's her boyfriend...Daaaang. (The boyfriend of the Main Character I mean)

BlueShubs wrote:For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. This sentence seemed a bit rushed, which made it seem a bit like a run-on. Maybe where you have the first and, you could rephrase things slightly and make it into two sentences? Or something similar anyways. But in a hall packed of hundreds there were other hundred eyes which just couldn't stop their mouth from falling open. That bit was a tad on the awkward side. The 'other' was the first thing that threw me off...and then the eyes and the mouths falling open. Maybe I'm just not being creative enough, but do eyes have mouths? xD The systematic rhythm that their bodyies had gained and the slow momentum with which they revolved around the stage was a spell for every couple.

Well, I'm guessing they're not a couple then. Or at least I'm hoping they're not. These two, the ones dancing, seem to be rather enjoying themselves. And maybe the attention too?

BlueShubs wrote:When my eyes couldn't bare more of it, I twitched back my glance at my love for now, Jake. I didn't like that last bit much. It just...didn't sound right to me. His teeth, rowed in a straight line, his neatly trimmed brows and the sweet smell of his cologne made its way through my throat. The boy who stood before me could very well had been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. But why couldn't he be my dream? Why did my face keep on dodging to where the epic couple was dancing? Why was the agony of seeing them together cutting down my heart into pieces? The answer sat right there in front of me, but my eyes just didn't want to see it.

Alright, so I'm guessing they ARE NOT a couple. There we go. It's all about Jake. xD He does seem a tad cliche though, but sometimes I suppose you can be blinded to another person's faults. Especially if you really admire them.

BlueShubs wrote:I clutched onto Jake's shoulders a bit more tightly, afraid to lose his love as well. I had already lost Eric and losing Jake would have been a total defeat. He held my waist tightly, knowing very well that all his efforts were going in vain. I breathed in his smell, took breaths according to his heartbeat; I just wanted to be his. But you know how the heart is. No coordination with the mind! Ah, very true.

So she lost Eric. Oh my. Okay, well that makes more sense now. I sort of feel sorry for poor, perfect Jake now though. 3: (Hey! That looks like hands covering a mouth! Okay, sidetrack over...back to the review...)

BlueShubs wrote:For the hundredth time during the prom night, I rotated my head to peer in their direction. Their lips moved towards each other. Dundundun... Gently, he tilted her head up to his as his lips brushed softly against hers. The gesture was so tender and loving, it pierced my heart with pain and jealousy. I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes. I wore the same facade I had been trying to don all this while; It's very possible that this is just me, but that seemed a little too...formal doesn't seem like the right word, but I don't know what else to call it. xD I tried to seem happy with my partner. But inside, my whole word was falling apart, and my heart felt like a piece of glassware, shattered into a million pieces.

Oh my. Well, I do really feel sorry for poor Jake now. xD He's probably not feeling too high and mighty at the moment, is he? I probably feel more sorry for him than the M.C. Poor guy...
Well, I'm out of time, so I don't have much else to say! Can't wait to read more! Peace out!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT IS VERY COOL.

very beatiful,but one question when it sas "for the hundreth time during the prom night, I rotated my head to peer at their direction" isn't more like instead of peer its peek? (just asking ^^)

Hi Lily and Shubz! I absolutely love this prologue! I WILL keep reading this! *Clicks "like"* Thanks for writting this! You guys make the perfect team! *Sol highfives*

Thanks Isha for the review, we've edited those points.

And thanks May, Bibi and Sol, for liking it. And Sols, thanks for the comment.

Hello there BlueShubs!

I apologize for the delay because I've been really very busy with school stuffs and all. So, I hope this would probably worth the wait.

First of all, I think you have done pretty well on this prologue, good job you two. I think you are the first pair I have seen so far in YWS. Usually, most of the people here work alone, though I'm not saying that's a bad thing you know. It's just because, personally, I think working up with another YWser is really awesome. So I should perhaps shut my mouth now and go on to the review.

Okay. Saying this cliche' may have been beat to death already, that's because it should be. With that being said, your readers would not be intrigued at all and thus may lose their interest here. However, since this is still the prologue, I would really much appreciate some twists and unpredictables on the upcoming chapters.

Also, I think you two have really written this well, since there are less mistakes or awkward phrases I have read. Your spellings are almost perfect and not to mention, your descriptions! I'm really impressed on how you depict things, BlueShubs. You don't just literally say that your MC is jealous, but the emotions and the descriptions are flowing well throughout the story, that complements well with the feelings of your MC. And thumbs up for "showing don't tell".

Other things:

But inside, my whole word was falling apart,

Did you mean to say, "my whole world"?

For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath.

A comma would've come in handy there, after "minutes".

All in all:

I thank you for the good read. Thought there are just some slight mistakes and parts where it's really common, but just like I said, I'll consider it since this is the prologue. So, no minor judgement for now. Anyways, I also thank you for requesting and please do again request since I'm getting into the story pretty well. Latsly, hoped I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing and best wishes to you two!

Peace out,
Yuri

Thanks, for the review, Yuriiko. I'll be sure to fix the errors~ Subhi and Blue.

Hi BlueShubs...I am sorry for my lateness. But I'm here so lets get on with this...I apologise if I repeat what previous reviewers might have said as I haven't read their reviews yet.

If I could have gone into my heart that night Being my naturally awkward self, I'm going to have to tell you to either cut this line or the re-phrase it. I know exactly what you meant, but it seems quite awkwardly worded., I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a weak pale vermilion. Your introduction is unique, and interesting. It kept me hanging on for more, I also -being extremely stupid- had to look up the word Vermilion

That was basically my entire nit-pick because I thought the other reviewers would have already pointed them out.

-Characters: I liked your MC, and for a prologue, I thought she was well introduced to the reader for the short time.

-Style: I think you (Shubs) and Bluewaterlily have successfully incorporated both your styles into this so seamlessly that it's hard to know who is who, until it's explained.

-Overall:

I liked this, it was an enjoyable read. It was short, as a prologue should be. It gave us the exact amount of information, we needed to know and the characters were introduced. Your MC's feelings about the other characters were explained to the readers. Although I think you could have done a bit more in the Show not Tell bit, and I believe that this is a bit of an overused idea and I hope that you can make it your own.

With this, I bid you adieu...

(My internet is no longer working, so I don't even know what day this is going to get posted...argh!)

Hey there, Flower here as requested. Sorry I am so late.
Here's the Club for the novel, join us: Page

If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a weak pale vermilion.
Through the mist that the smoke formed, I could make out one thing, which I could have never even missed in my dreams. His hands were rolled around her waist, and his lips widened into a heart warming smile. He gently pulled over the strands of her black curls behind her ears and with the remaining ones he made a spiral, covering his finger. She tilted her head a bit, admired his square face with her rolling eyes and then the magic spread. I think on the hair part it would sound better if it were just a single strand. Then he could play with it. It would make it easier to read.


For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. For stealing their night. The for stealing there night is a bit random. If you want it to fit here I would add it to the previous sentence. Or maybe even add it to the next one since you started with a conjunction. But in a hall packed of hundreds there were other hundred eyes which just couldn't stop wondering and appreciating the beauty they presented them with. The systematic rhythm that their body had gained and the slow momentum with which they revolved around the stage was a spell for every couple.
When my eyes couldn't bare anymore of it, I tswitched back my glance at my love for now, Jake. His teeth, rowed in a straight line, his neatly trimmed brows and the sweet smell of his cologne that made its way through my throat. The boy who stood before me could very well had been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. But why couldn't he be my dream? Why did my face keep on dodging to where the epic couple was dancing? Why was the agony of seeing them together cutting down my heart into pieces? The answer sat right there in front of me, but my eyes just didn't want to see it.

I clutched onto Jake's shoulders a bit more tightly, afraid to lose his love as well. I had already lost Eric and losing Jake would have been a total defeat. He held my waist tightly, knowing very well that all his efforts were going in vain. I breathed in his smell, took breaths according to his heartbeat; I just wanted to be his. But you know how the heart is. No coordination with the mind!
For the hundredth time during the prom night, I rotated my head to peer in their direction. Their lips moved towards each other. Gently, he tilted her head up to his as his lips brushed softly against hers. The gesture was so tender and loving, it pierced my heart with pain and jealousy. I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes. I wore the same facade I had been trying to don all this while; I tried to seem happy with my partner. But inside, my whole world was falling apart, and my heart felt like a piece of glassware, shattered into a million pieces.

I knew then...Eric was unforgettable.


I didn't read the last part till after the review, so forgive me if I messed something up. I really did like this for a prologue. Other than some things that would sound better reworded it was very nice. I didn't see many grammatical errors, and the things that seemed like errors that I didn't comment on were supposed to be there.

I really don't see much wrong with this peice, and I am eager to read more of the novel. Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.

-Flow-