I cried

Why do you stare at me with hatred and fear?
I am the same person you have known for all these years.
Doubting His presence and His plan
I know I cannot stand,
to praise this man.
Condeming me to ever lasting torment
In the firey pits of Hell
Tarnishing my image to others as well.
Making his followers believe
I am a demon in human flesh used only to deceive.
I cried when I saw you no longer excepeted me as your friend
The one I have always been.

Hey. When I saw the title, I thought that it was going to be different. But I thought that this was really good. I thought that it was well thought through, and that it flowed well, and had a good rhyming scheme. All in all, I thought that this was a really good poem. Keep writing. (Wow, that sounds cliche )

fiction903 wrote:Why do you stare at me with hatred and fear? You should use a simile / metaphor here instead of directly saying hatred and fear.
I am the same person you have known for all these years.The rhyme is too simple, it's kinda annoying but not that much. Also, you can shorten this like: I am still me, through all these years. Not the best, but you know what I mean?
Doubting His presence and His plan
I know I cannot stand,
to praise this man. Oh, I like these three lines, your rhyme seemed smarter, in the sense that you broke up a regular sentence like that, Very nice.
Condeming me to ever lasting torment How is it torment? I want to be able to grapse what is torment and how it may relate to the world, through a smilie or metaphor, or some other poetic device.
In the firey pits of Hell Cliche, woo. And the line above pretty much says hell. So you don't need to put that line in and you could probably use something different. Like: From grace I fell, or something, you pick.
Tarnishing my image to others as well. Very nice, this leaves something for me to figure out and go past the words into a more hidden meaning. I'd like to see more of that.
Making his followers believe
I am a demon in human flesh used only to deceive. Nice, but what did you do to be seen as a demon? I can't really connect to this, as an experiance, but I kind of can as a reaction to the experiance. Which is not as good. =[ I want the inital shock that made you write this poem!
I cried when I saw you no longer excepeted me as your friend
The one I have always been. I think it would help you to say: The friend I've always been. It could give a more emotional and powerful ending, to me atleast.

I kinda liked this, to be honest. Some things bothered me, like the rhyme, if you let it force your poem, then it is only hurting. Poems are like a machine, with it's mechanics on the inside and the total complex machine on the outside. You need to make sure the machine is in working order first, then you need to tweak it with your rhymes and other things of the sort.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

kingolions wrote:Hey. When I saw the title, I thought that it was going to be different. But I thought that this was really good. I thought that it was well thought through, and that it flowed well, and had a good rhyming scheme. All in all, I thought that this was a really good poem. Keep writing. (Wow, that sounds cliche )

I agree with kingolions. I thought that it was about someone who's heart broken. But this poem was very good and it flowed well. Keep writing because you can write. All in all, tell me if you write any new poems because I really liked your writings.

Keep writing,

Alicia.

In poetry, I really like it when people are really specific. And while you might get a certain image for God, others, like me, don't. I'd like a line or two expanding on the emotional/physical/personality of God so I can picture Him.