Cresent's Valentine

Last year for English we had to write a poem based on the Love Song Of J. Alfred Profrock. This is mine, so I didn't write SOME of the lines (If you know a Profrock poem, this is one). I also took inspiration from LucretiaxVincent (though I perfer VincentxYuffie) from Final Fantasy 7. So enjoy.

EDIT: I am tired of people saying stuff is awkward or cliche. The stuff you're commenting on was written by T.S. Elliot. It was part of a project. Also, it's poetry. It doesn't have to be correct.


When the evening is spread out like a canvas
Across the sky
And the empty streets echo my footsteps
I wonder if I shall ever see your eyes
Staring right into my soul
Ever again
The eyes I have known already
For many years
As I lie here
Awake
I wonder
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Everything that has happened
Between then and now
100 visions
Of our future
Enough for two people
Don't you think
I imagine your red ruby eyes
Glaring and smiling from the dark
Times only for me
But my dear
Time is a fleeting thing
Had I known the evenings
We spent together
Laughing,
Crying,
Would be gone in a second
I would have never let go
I'm sorry
Some how I had the strength to force the moment
The moment that I had
To break off my tie to you.
You once said that you will never
Be Prince Hamlet
Nor Romeo
Nor any other Shakespearean
Hero
Then I refuse to be your
Ophelia
Your Juliet.
I pray that one day that
There will be time for murder
Time to create.
I wait anxiously for you
To come back.
Yet,
I never smell that wafting
perfume from your cape.
The musk
The damp roses
The spice of brewing tea.
You told me to hear mermaids singing,
For it was then that you would come back,
Well,
My dear,
I hear them
I hear them every night
Lingering in the pools in drains.
Yet, I do not hear
Your footsteps
Against empty streets.
How does love so pure
End up in hate?
Do human voices
Wear it
And Drown it?
Kiss
After
Kiss
Turns into
Argument
After
Argument.
In short, I was afraid.
Afraid of what was to come.
You are not easy to live with.
Your past makes you mysterious
Your eyes make you frightening
Your solemn air makes cold.
And yet I love you,
To this day.
When the morning sun paints the canvas of the sky
Bright
And the empty streets
Echo
With the sounds of other peoples feet.
I hope to see you
Coming to find me.

When the evening is spread out like a canvas
Across the sky
And the empty streets echo my footsteps
I wonder if I shall ever see your eyes
Staring right into my soul
Ever again this line is out of place.
The eyes I have known alreadyThis is kinda phrased weirdly. It's like it was shook up and then most but not all the words fell back into their proper place. Already didn't fall into it's proper place.
For many yearsThis line is unneeded. Unless this goes back and the past plays a more significant role. Because you said you already know the eyes.
As I lie here
Awake
I wonder
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Everything that has happened This is what some people call blank description, Everything, what is everything? I know this is pieced togeather, I guess. So if this were playing in a video as parts of the lryics or something to the game, it'd probably make more sense, but here, it does not.
Between then and now
100 visions
Of our future
Enough for two people What is enough? Why is this line even here?
Don't you think Same as before, think about what? The visions? I don't see why those matter. And why is it here?
I imagine your red ruby eyes
Glaring and smiling from the dark
Times only for me
But my dear
Time is a fleeting thing
Had I known the evenings
We spent together
Laughing,
Crying,
Would be gone in a second
I would have never let go
I'm sorry
Some how I had the strength to force the moment
The moment that I had
To break off my tie to you. This is kinda bland, what moment? What did you do? Did you just say good bye or did you slam the door in a fit of rage?
You once said that you will never
Be Prince Hamlet
Nor Romeo
Nor any other Shakespearian
Hero
Then I refuse to be your
Ophelia
Your Juliet.
I pray that one day that
There will be time for murder This is kinda list like, it's not all that fluent.
Time to create.
I wait anxiously for you How do you do this? Showing over telling is always better. You could say, I sit and watch the moon, waiting for it to light up your footsteps, so that I know you're coming. Or something along those lines.
To come back.
Yet,
I never smell that wafting
perfume from your cape.
The musk
The damp roses
The spice of brewing tea.
You told me to hear mermaids singing,
For it was then that you would come back,
Well,
My dear,
I hear them
I hear them every night
Lingering in the pools in drains. Lingering in the pools AND drains? Some punctuation would help to clear that up.
Yet, I do not hear You're kinda using hear too much, three times in 4 lines, it's kinda a lot. You might want to try and find a different word.
Your footsteps
Against empty streets.
How does love so pure
End up in hate?
Do human voices
Wear it
And Drown it? I really like that. The voices wearing and drowning love.
Kiss
After
Kiss
Turns into
Argument
After
Argument.
In short, I was afraid. Why would you go through the process of explaining all this if you're just going to summ it up?
Afraid of what was to come.
You are not easy to live with. How are they not easy to live with? You can try using a simile or metaphor to help show that. Like saying, you're as easy to live with as a freight train.
Your past makes you mysterious
Your eyes make you frightening
Your solemn air makes cold.
And yet I love you,
To this day.
When the morning sun paints the canvas of the sky
Bright I like the remergence of the beginning ideas that got me into reading this poem. And the ending, I liked the last seven lines.
And the empty streets
Echo
With the sounds of other peoples feet.
I hope to see you
Coming to find me.[/quote]
You should break this up some what, to make it more understandable and easier to read. You should also try to add some more similies and metaphors and really give us something to attach to.
You had wonderful structure, and you did a good job patching all this togeather. I am not sure if it was your first time or not, but it could have been very disjointed and abrupt. And it wasn't that bad, so good job, I am certain with more practice you'd be able to blend all of this togeather in a much better way.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
And I know this was probably a confusing review, PM me with any questions.

I adore "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and certainly see the resemblance! This definitely conveys a lot of the emotional confusion of the original work. However, I do have some minor edits agree with the above - this would be a lot less confusing if it were broken up into stanzas. And now onto the nitpicking...

Your punctuation needs some consistency. You need a lot more commas and periods - go back over this and just start adding. They won't take away from your poem - they will contribute to the flow.

But my dear
Time is a fleeting thing
Had I known the evenings
We spent together
Laughing,
Crying,
Would be gone in a second
I would have never let go

Cliches! So many cliches! I can tell by the rest of your poem that you have the creativity to come up with a better way of saying all of this. You don't need to rely on established imagery - you should create your own. That's the point of poetry!

Kiss
After
Kiss
Turns into
Argument
After
Argument.

You can do better than that. You shouldn't have to rely on your enjambment for emphasis. Compressing this into one line and adding some more imagery would be much more constructive than this - it's an easy way out.

I love your Shakespeare references, I must say Though you spelled "Shakespearean" incorrectly. Overall, great job! Hope this helps!

AsxLoversxGo wrote:Last year for English we had to write a poem based on the Love Song Of J. Alfred Profrock. This is mine, so I didn't write SOME of the lines (If you know a Profrock poem, this is one). I also took inspiration from LucretiaxVincent (though I perfer VincentxYuffie) from Final Fantasy 7. So enjoy.

EDIT: I am tired of people saying stuff is awkward or cliche. The stuff you're commenting on was written by T.S. Elliot. It was part of a project. Also, it's poetry. It doesn't have to be correct.


When the evening is spread out like a canvas
Across the sky
And the empty streets echo my footsteps
I wonder if I shall ever see your eyes
Staring right into my soul
Ever again(should there be another space here?)
The eyes I have known already
For many years
As I lie here
Awake
I wonder
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Everything that has happened
Between then and now
100 visions
Of our future
Enough for two people
Don't you think
I imagine your red ruby eyes
Glaring and smiling from the dark
Times only for me
But my dear
Time is a fleeting thing(niiiiiiiice )
Had I known the evenings
We spent together
Laughing,
Crying,
Would be gone in a second
I would have never let go
I'm sorry
Some how I had the strength to force the moment
The moment that I had
To break off my tie to you.(Should there be another space here too?)
You once said that you will never
Be Prince Hamlet
Nor Romeo
Nor any other Shakespearean
Hero
Then I refuse to be your
Ophelia
Your Juliet.
I pray that one day that(The same word twice in one line?!)
There will be time for murder
Time to create.
I wait anxiously for you
To come back.
Yet,
I never smell that wafting
perfume from your cape.
The musk
The damp roses
The spice of brewing tea.
You told me to hear mermaids singing,
For it was then that you would come back,
Well,
My dear,
I hear them
I hear them every night
Lingering in the pools in drains.
Yet, I do not hear
Your footsteps
Against empty streets.
How does love so pure
End up in hate?
Do human voices
Wear it
And Drown it?
Kiss
After
Kiss
Turns into
Argument
After
Argument.(oooh, I like this part)
In short, I was afraid.
Afraid of what was to come.
You are not easy to live with.
Your past makes you mysterious
Your eyes make you frightening
Your solemn air makes cold.
And yet I love you,
To this day.
When the morning sun paints the canvas of the sky
Bright
And the empty streets
Echo
With the sounds of other peoples feet.
I hope to see you
Coming to find me.

Nice, I loooooove this. It's really cool!

Alzora