The Messenger - Prologue & Chapter 1

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Hey again! I'm glad you decided to continue this!

I like the changes you made to the prologue, although I still think it could be clearer that it was Tanner who rescued Jarik.

Something you do quite a lot is write things in the passive voice, e.g:

Just ahead were two vicious looking street dogs, lying down, munching on what remained of their previous meal.

As opposed to "Just ahead lay two vicious dogs...". This is something to try and avoid usually, because it takes the emphasis away from the dogs, and when you're writing an action-filled scene you want to put the focus on the dogs and the obstacle that they provide.

Just as Jarik was about to close the door behind him Tegrath spoke again, “Oh... good job”.

I love the way you began the first chapter from inside the house, and included new details, but seeing as this part is just the same scene again, and it's from Jarik's POV both times, it doesn't really make sense to include the "good job" comment the second time but not the first time. It might make more sense if you had the compliment as part of the prologue and then had the scene purely from Tegrath's POV in chapter 1, that way you avoid repeating yourself and any inconsistencies. Just a suggestion though.

“Yeah, real good”,

The comma goes inside the speech marks. I linked to an article on YWS about dialogue punctuation in my review of the prologue, so if you check that out it should explain it.

He jumped at the wall at the turnoff and took two steps across the wall, landing back down the narrow street he kept going. Whoa! He thought, how did I do that? I’ve never done that before! He slowed down to a steady jog, these streets were slippery so the last thing he wanted to do is fall over again.

Thoughts are much clearer if you put them in italics. As it is it seems at first like they're part of the narration, which can be confusing. Also, I found Jarik's reaction to this to be a bit unrealistic. He's just done some kind of fancy athletic move without even thinking about it, and he only spares it a seconds thought? Surely he would be shocked, or puzzled by this?

Overall, I thought the next chapter progressed the story well. There's more detail about what Jarik does and where he comes from, and some mystery with the coin and the girl and the mysterious powers he's developing, plus I like all the other characters that you've introduced. The part with the coin did confuse me a bit though. Why did he put it in the jar in the church and then take it out again? Was it just for storage? It didn't really make sense to me, because he just took it out again the next day. There were quite a few comma splices dotted throughout as well, but I didn't go through and pick them all out. If you want any advice about that or have any questions, PM me!

Anyway, like I said I'm really glad you decided to keep going with this, and I'm looking forward to reading more of it.

Hey, well...
There's lots of grammar stuff to do here, but I don't do grammar:) You'll probably see it all for yourself when you go through it with a clear mind on a clear day. I noticed that it's rubbish, not garbage, and grey, not gray, so I guess you're of the British/Oceanian speakers, not North American. Although one never knows, haha, maybe it's all just literary prefrences.

Anyway, the overal style in this piece is breakneck fast bordering on chaotic at times, a flow of consciousness which makes it dream-like: running, what's that? - people behind me, blam wham, what's happening, now I'm back with my mother figure and the other kids, now running again, wham, zoink, didn't take that turn here, etc. Not something any reader can digest, especially will all the minor distracting grammar issues, but I actually enjoyed it. I like breakneck chaotic dream-like stuff, at least when it's not too long, and so far it isn't.

But I do suggest that when you go over the piece one of these days, you separate various paragraphs which are still stuck together, flesh out some of the descriptions, especially the action scenes.

The characters are fine. No problem with them, not in my eyes at least. Rather traditional, which in this case is a plus. Gives a cosy feeling to the whole fantasy randomness.

By the way, how many bronze pieces are in a silver one? Nice touch not making it rational metric currency.
Go ahead, write the whole thing, and then go over it and tighten it up!

Hello,
I'm going to try and review this in a way that's a bit new to me. Let's see if it works. My thoughts are in bold.

Running down the street Jarik dodged and weaved past the people as he went. This was an important one. He knew from the expression on old Tegrath’s face that this letter was to be delivered or destroyed if he didn’t make it.
Turning right down an alleyway, moss on the cobblestones and dirt making it slippery, he heard the men. love how you put that!He kept looking behind hoping they weren’t coming, but he knew better, then he saw them. I'm not sure if that last part should be part of the same sentence. With their gleaming swords out and vicious dogs at their side they came for him. Looking for a turn off he saw one coming on his left. Skidding around the corner he sprinted past beggars and rubbish on the sides, he jumped as a cat ran in front of him and ducked as a rock swished past his head. He turned his head to see how far behind they were, big mistake.

Smack! Straight down on the cobblestones, blood poured out his nose and onto the cold surface. He looked at his hands, grazed and bruised but they’d be alright. He could hear them coming. Suddenly he was lifted off the ground and slung over a shoulder. He knew they had him, so he hit and punched, scratched and spat until he was knocked on the back of the head and all went black.

He woke up leaning against a wall in a narrow alleyway, looking up he saw a boy about his age looking down at him.
“Get up, ‘em dogs sniff you out soon from that bloody nose”, the boy said.
He reached up to his nose to find it had clotted and had been cleaned. “Who are you?”
“The names Tanner, and you better get moving to wherever ya goin’”. Tanner started off then stopped and looked back. “Remember, you owe me”, with that he took off.

Jarik got up, checked the letter was still on him and looked around to get his bearings. “Better get a move on”, he mumbled to himself. Running as quietly as he could down the streets, so not to be heard, he came around a corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Just ahead were two vicious looking street dogs, lying down, munching on what remained of their previous meal. He tried to sneak past but there was no chance, they could smell the blood, as soon as they saw him, he took off. They came after him almost at his heels, barking with excitement, as he ran towards a wall. Looking for a way over, he spotted a drain pipe and sprinted towards it. He jumped and climbed up as fast as he could. The dogs were below him trying to jump up and grab his legs. He clambered over the wall, gently landing on the ground. This is it, he thought with relief, the sign glimmered in the sun, ‘Stradbroke Street’ and he ran straight down to number 43.
He knocked on the door. A well dressed man in his early forties stepped out and took the letter. Jarik knew to wait as the man went back inside, returning a few minutes later with a letter with one word written on the front ‘Tegrath’. He said farewell & closed the door.

“Here I go again”, the comma should be within the quotations and he was off.


Chapter 1

Tegrath was sitting at his old wooden desk, smoking a pipe and sipping a bottle of Kensag port. Suddenly the door swung open, squeaking as it did. Jarik half stumbled, half ran into the room, he handed the replying letter to Tegrath.
Tossing a silver coin to Jarik he said, “That’ll be all”.
Just as Jarik was about to close the door behind him Tegrath spoke again, “Oh... good job”. Jarik shut the door and walked out to the kitchen with a grin, Tegrath was hard to please. So, to get a silver coin as a tip from him was one thing, but to get a comment like ‘good job’, it meant a lot.

Maggie was serving hot bowls of her vegetable soup, a middle aged woman, brown hair with a touch of grey, wrinkles that were not from age but clearly from smiling, she wore a patched apron that was coming to the end of its life, not matter how much she kept sowing it back together. The other boys and girls were standing in line waiting for their share. Tomas, did you mean "Thomas"? a young teenager with wavy brown hair, who was always trying to impress the girls, was bragging to the two younger boys next to him about some heroic thing that he had supposedly done today. Jarik shook his head as the two boys became totally convinced that what Tomas was saying was true. Jarik’s turn to get served came, Maggie’s warm smile shined at him and he smiled back.
“Looks like you were in a bit of the rough today” she said nodding towards his injuries.
“Ah, nothing a bit of rest won’t fix” he replied.
“You know, you shouldn’t be delivering those messages. It’s dangerous”, she poured the soup into his bowl.
“I know, I know, but well paid work is hard to find”. Even though he was looking confident in himself, she knew he wasn’t.
“Otherwise was it a good run?” she asked.
“Yeah, real good”, again, the comma should be in the quotation marks. he said excitedly and pulled the silver coin out of his pocket just enough for her to see.
“Ah, it must have been”, she poured extra soup into his bowl and winked at him. On his way to the table he grabbed a slice of bread then sat down. The evening sunlight showered its last warmth over the table as it set. Maggie was like a mum, though no one said it, they all thought it. She was the closest thing they had, they wondered if she had any children of her own, but no one had the guts to ask. ‘Mind your own business’ she would blurt when anyone got personal.

“Suppers supper's. The apostrophe because it's "supper is" good huh?” asked Hemy, jumping down next to him. Hemy was one of Jarik’s best friends, he had browny red curly hair and was short for 15. you should write numbers in literature. So instead, it would be "fifteen".
“Mmm”, replied Jarik, his mouth full.
“Well I tell ya, you should’ve seen me today, faster than the fastest horse, speedin’ around the corners”, sloop! Ding! His spoon went flying out of his bowl and onto the floor. “Woops”.
“Hemy! What did I tell you?” said Maggie loudly. “No swinging your arms about when you’re meant to be eating, now go wash it, I haven’t got any spares tonight”. That was Hemy, he talked so much and when he did, his arms moved around just as much, if not more than his mouth. Hemy picked up the spoon and went to the sink to wash it.


Jarik looked at his hands; there were couple of good cuts on the bottom on his left palm. They had caught onto him; they definitely knew that he was delivering high profile letters and packages. He couldn’t work out how they knew when he was carrying one, the only conclusion he had came to was that they had an insider. Jarik was starting to wonder what he was delivering that was so important that guards were chasing him. He was very lucky today; if the boy Tanner hadn’t got to him he probably wouldn’t have made it back. How had he been saved? When he got picked up he thought he was a gone for sure. Hopefully he’d see that Tanner again and he could tell him what happened.
Jarik took the coin out of his pocket and looked at it in the sunlight, turning it around it suddenly shined bright blue. He had never seen this before, he tried rotating it again to get the blue shine but nothing happened. ooh, interesting! He put the coin back in his pocket and returned to his meal. Tomorrow was Saturday, that meant he had the afternoon off. Putting his bowl up on the bench, he sneaked out the back door and onto the street.

Trying to appear relaxed he headed to the Church on the corner of Gordon and Matthew Street, making sure he was alone, he silently slipped around to the back of the Church. In the twilight he moved over to the middle buttress and got down on his knees, pulling away the overgrown grass he found the loose foundation vent. After removing the grating, he put his hand in and felt around for the jar. Finding it, he opened the jar and placed the silver coin inside. The jar safely back inside he replaced the vent and he snuck back around the church and walked away. The jar sat in silence as night took over, the cold wind wrapping around its surface, but inside, undisturbed, the coin glowed.

* * * * * * * * *

The next morning Jarik sprung out of bed full of energy, he didn’t know why but he felt absolutely great. Running out into the message room he checked his pigeon hole to find only two messages that needed to be delivered and neither was a dangerous one. That meant that he’d get off even earlier today, he shouted with glee and took off to deliver the first message. It was for Mr Egontae at No. 116 Highsouth Rd, he owned a sweets shop known as the Chocolate Bazaar which was extremely popular. Jarik liked Mr Egontae; he was an older man with the last of his gray hair on the back of his head. He was a bit overweight and was wearing high class clothes; he would always be smiling every time you walked through the door. that sentence seemed a little bit awkward. The two parts didn't connect at all. Perhaps "He was a bit overweight was wearing wore high class clothes and he would always be smiling every time you walked through the door" would work better. It's your choice though, on what you want to do.

Jarik dashed down Anglio Rd anxious to get to the shop, if Mr Egontae was having a good day then there was a chance that you good get a little bit of chocolate for free. He jumped down a flight of stairs as he headed for the Market Square where the Chocolate Bazaar was located. He liked this area; it had a huge blossoming tree in the middle of the square with a circle of grass around it. He slowed down to take it all in; there was a light cool breeze. Then he noticed her, her blonde hair waving slightly in the wind. His feet started to change direction on their own, he shook himself. What was he doing? he thought. He concentrated on walking past her and into the shop, pushing the door open and walking through he let his breath out. He looked around to see the thousands of sweets in the store, walking up to the counter Mr Egontae said with a smile, “Jarik! How nice to see you”.
“And to see you too sir, here’s your parcel” said Jarik, handing him the package.
“Ah, thank you very much, I’ve been waiting a long time for this to arrive”, putting the parcel under the counter he came back up with a fruit chocolate in his hand. “Here, take this, it’s on the house”. He passed the chocolate to Jarik whose grin said how grateful he was.
“Thank you so much sir” said Jarik looking excitedly at the chocolate.
“Now off with you, I’ve got customers to serve”. He waved goodbye as he left the shop.

Walking towards the stairs he saw the girl from before sitting on a seat under the large tree in the square. She was a much higher class then him, her perfectly clean clothes proved that. As he got nearer she saw him, she smiled at Jarik. He blushing smiled back and she laughed, embarrassed he took off. Sprinting along a main street he felt like such a fool, angry with himself he took he anger out by running even faster. The turn off came up almost too soon, he turned but was going too fast. He jumped at the wall at the turnoff and took two steps across the wall, landing back down the narrow street he kept going. Whoa! He thought, how did I do that? I’ve never done that before! maybe you should have something to distinguish his thoughts from the rest of the text. Italics or quotations could work.He slowed down to a steady jog, these streets were slippery so the last thing he wanted to do is fall over again.

Hothny Ave, the grubby rusty sign hung on an angle. He worked his way along to No. 21, Mr & Mrs Galven. They weren’t exactly friendly people, not to mention the stench emanating from the house, Jarik put on his happy to see you face and passed the parcel to the frail old man, known as The Admiral. Then he started, “when I was your age I could swab the decks, raise the flag and peel a hundred potatoes, all before breakfast of course! What have you done this morning?”
“Well I,” but before Jarik could continue, The Admiral cut him off.
“That’s what I thought, nothing”. He sneered and shut the door. “Well that didn’t go too bad”, mumbled Jarik to himself and headed off for his afternoon break.

Happy as could be, Jarik strolled along a main street on his way to the Church. A silver coin, what could he buy with that? He wondered. Coming up behind the church he found his way over the fence, pulling the vent out he grabbed the jar and took the silver coin out. He placed the jar inside and reattached the vent, putting the coin in his pocket he got up and left.

Breathing in deeply he could smell the aromas coming from the market place, the entrance was just up ahead, he couldn’t wait. Walking in, the sound hit him in the face, there were people everywhere, arguing, bargaining, laughing and talking as the market was in full swing. He looked around deciding on his first meal, spotting a bakery stand he walked over.
“Good morning young man, what can I do for you” a big man in a white apron asked him.
“A simple bun would be nice” Jarik replied.
“Right, a bun it is”, the man reached down and came back up with a fresh crispy bun. “That will be three bronzes”, he held his hand out waiting for the money. Jarik took his coin out of his pocket and handed it to him. The man took the coin and handed him back his change, nine bronzes. Taking the bun Jarik took a bite and moved on. He wandered through the market buying different foods, eventually he came to a seating area, sitting down he took his remaining coins out of his pocket. Two bronzes, he looked around to see if there was anything else he wanted. A magic trick show, wines, fruit, flowers, meats, he suddenly looked back to the flowers and there she was, the girl from the square. She was wearing a red and white dress that came just below her knees, he watched as her blonde hair shined in the warm sunlight. An older woman was with her, they bought a posy of flowers and moved towards the seating area. He wanted to move, to scram, run away but he was glued to the spot. He tried not to stare as she moved closer, please sit on the other side he prayed, but a middle aged couple sat down and started chatting away. The older woman with the girl stopped when she noticed there was no other seat, she looked at Jarik with cold hard eyes, that sent a shiver down his back. He cringed slightly, she gave a slight smile and continued towards him and sat down knowing that he wouldn’t move a muscle. The woman had placed herself in the middle so that the girl wouldn’t be next to him. As the girl came over she recognised him and smiled, sitting down the girl started talking to the woman about flowers and so on. Jarik’s mind blocked out the sound of the world around him as he watched the girl while she talked to the woman.

“Ha ha ha ha”, the women laughed at something the girl had said, bringing Jarik out of his gaze. She turned around to look at him and started laughing again. She was laughing at him, he knew it. Frustrated he went to get up but an arm stopped him. The woman got up and looked him directly in the eye, but instead of the cold eyes he’d seen before now they were happy and gentle. Talking to the girl she said, “I’ll just go and buy another bun I'm thinking a comma should go here okay darling?” She walked off towards the bakery stand.
The girl moved closer towards him, and smiled.
“My names Kelsey, what’s yours?” she asked. Jarik looked over to the woman at the stand watching them, she quickly turned away.
“Ah, Jarik” he replied, a bit worried.
“Jarik, I like that name”, she curled her hair around her finger. “What are you doing at the market?”.
“I was just getting some lunch, ah, I’d best be off, goodbye Kelsey” he got up and walked off.
“Oh, goodbye then!” she said as she waved at him.
He waved back then took off as fast as he could. aww, he should talk to her. Maybe later in the story, yes?

Arriving back home he went to his bed and lied down to think things over, exhausted from the fast run home he closed his eyes to have a rest, it wasn’t long before he was asleep. Suddenly his pocket bulged as the outline of a larger coin in the material became visible.

Okay, I really like how you make actions that could be really tedious a part of the sentences. It makes for a good pace and an interesting story to read. You seem to follow your own rules, and that's great! The writing style you have is amazing. It's effective and to the point.

The only thing I could complain about is that you often lack description. It wasn't bad in some places, but us readers want to be able feel like we're in the story. Like the five senses, smell, sight, taste, hearing, touch. Throw a bit of those in there and it will make a difference. Another thing, we don't know much about this world around Jarik. Show us some culture or something.

The plot itself. Oh where to start? There is so much potential here. All kinds of little details to be played with in future chapters. I really enjoyed the plot of it just reading this first part.

The characters: All unique, defined in their own way. Basically, great! Your main character too, is excellent realistic-wise. As the main character, however, he needs to be a little more in depth. I don't think you mentioned any flaws (besides him running away from the Kelsey lol). So maybe you could do that? Give him something . . . human. What those flaws will be is up to you.

Oh and the ending. It kind of left off in the middle of nowhere. Like the last sentence didn't leave anything. No feel to it. However, it is a good hook.

In conclusion (finally): This is great! Great writing, awesome characters, incredible plot. Sorry if I sounded pushy or anything. Really, these are just suggestions. Do whatever you want- it sure seems to be working for you!
Thank you for the awesome read,

~Crazy

Hey James!
So I've done the first part already. Here to review the rest

First, I'll do a quick grammar and nitpicks check

So, to get a silver coin as a tip from him was one thing, but to get a comment like ‘good job’,itmeant a lot.

I would personally, take out the 'it', I think it sounds better.

Maggie was serving hot bowls of her vegetable soup. She is a middle aged woman, with brown hair with and a touch of gray , her face with wrinkles that were not from age but clearly from smiling. She wore a patched apron that was coming to the end of its life, not matter how much she kept sowing it back together.

This is a huge sentence... I suggested places you can break it in green.

She was the closest thing they had,and/. they wondered if she had any children of her own, but no one had the guts to ask. ‘Mind your own business’ she would blurt when anyone got personal.

Same here, I would suggest an 'and' or period in there.

“Supper's good huh?” asked Hemy, jumping down next to him. Hemy was one of Jarik’s best friends, he had browny red curly hair and was short for fifteen.

The 'browny' and 'curly' so close together was a bit awkward for me. You can change it to 'red brown' or 'reddish brown' depending on the color you are going for.

That was Hemy, he talked so much. And, when he did, his arms moved around just as much, if not more than his mouth. Hemy picked up the spoon and went to the sink to wash it.

Suggestions, suggestions...

Hopefully he’d see that Tanner again and he could tell him what happened.

Ask or tell? Because it seems to me that he doesn't know what happened...

After removing the grating, he put his hand in and felt around for the jar. Finding it, he opened the jar and placed the silver coin inside. The jar safely back inside he replaced the vent and he snuck back around the church and walked away. The jar sat in silence as night took over, the cold wind wrapping around its surface, but inside, undisturbed, the coin glowed.

There's a bit too much 'jars' in there for my liking. You can replace it by 'it' in some places to take the repetition down a bit.

Jarik dashed down Anglio Rd anxious to get to the shop. If Mr Egontae was having a good day then there was a chance that you goodcould get a little bit of chocolate for free.

Small typo here, I think you meant 'could'?

Blushing, he smiled back and she laughed, embarrassed he took off.

Alright, that is all

Overall, I am very happy you chose to continue with this. It was way to short and this could be something really great! I loved the descriptions

Maggie was serving hot bowls of her vegetable soup, a middle aged woman, brown hair with a touch of grey, wrinkles that were not from age but clearly from smiling, she wore a patched apron that was coming to the end of its life, not matter how much she kept sowing it back together. The other boys and girls were standing in line waiting for their share. Tomas, a young teenager with wavy brown hair, who was always trying to impress the girls, was bragging to the two younger boys next to him about some heroic thing that he had supposedly done today. Jarik shook his head as the two boys became totally convinced that what Tomas was saying was true. Jarik’s turn to get served came, Maggie’s warm smile shined at him and he smiled back.

Maggie's description's here was great. I love the character already. Well done!

The plot is coming on great, tho I cannot really say a lot now. I'm curious about a lot of things. What is this coin doing? Is he going to do another job for the men with the dangerous messages? Who is the girl? So many unanswered questions! I'm hoping we will get answers soon
PM me if you've got questions,
Keep on writing!

-Truth-