Walker

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Points 1152

Reviews 4

Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:56 am

storiesandsuch says... · Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:56 am

Aware of the weather
A rise, yesterday
But this morning is cold
And cold it will stay

Over my pathway
In mid December
A new sheet of ice
That I must remember

Remember to look!
Tan's the best trail
And gray is the color
That tries to derail

White, that's alright
For snow provides friction
And there you may step
Without any restriction

For travel, look down
Aim with good care
When you plant your foot
Be sure gray isn't there

If it stretches enough
If no tan shows the way
If you have enough balance
You may slide on the gray

Step carefully, walker
Know what to look for
Step carefully, walker
When you step out the door

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AsxLoversxGo

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Points 1040

Reviews 34

Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:36 pm

AsxLoversxGo says... · Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:36 pm

This was alright, not my favorite, but that's not really your fault. It's just not my favorite kind of poetry. (I like more emotional poetry...does that make me emo?)

I do, however, like the style you wrote it in. It's very unique. It's a very well written poem and I can imagine the things being described.

Good job.

"In YOUR Indo"

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silented1

Gender

Points 625

Reviews 286

Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:51 pm

silented1 says... · Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:51 pm

Spoiler

storiesandsuch wrote:Aware of the weather
A rise, yesterday
But this morning is cold The first two lines don't go togeather at all. And you use a rise and yesterday in the same line, they're kinda in different tenses.
And cold it will stay Your rhyme already seems to be forced a bit.

Over my pathway
In mid December
A new sheet of ice
That I must remember This is incredibly boring, you're telling over showing, why do you need to remember it?

Remember to look! What? Look where? How? What?
Tan's the best trail What? Who is tan? Or is it the tan trail?
And gray is the color
That tries to derail Your rhyme still seems forced, so much that it is hurting your poem. You should try to use a more natural rhyme, or just forget the whole thing, and practice with it later. Your ideas come first, then your mechanics.

White, that's alright
For snow provides friction
And there you may step I like this a lot more, it shows something that can be infered and related to, the idea of being held back or nervous so you choose to hold back. This is more of a show than it is a tell, to me atleast. I'd like to see more of it.
Without any restriction

For travel, look down For travel..? For what travel? You should lose the for, or make travel - traveling. It sounds better.
Aim with good care
When you plant your foot Gray tries to derail, but what is it? The ice? Is it on gray ground? Because It's relitivly hard to step onto a color...
Be sure gray isn't there

If it stretches enough What streches? You're walking on tan or gray, but how do they strech? How can they strech? If tan is the ground, it doesn't strech. Same goes for gray and it being ice. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
If no tan shows the way
If you have enough balance
You may slide on the gray Okay, so gray is ice, this is a very slow moving poem. With little for us to grapse onto, no imagery or anything of that sort; that allows me to say, I know what that is like.
Step carefully, walker
Know what to look for So, watch for ice on the roads, eh? Why? What is so uncertain? Why should I be careful? (besides streching ground which sounds like an acid trip of some sort.
Step carefully, walker You didn't need to say this twice. It sounds like you're talking more so about knowing what to look for, so that is what should be repeated. Know what to look for, not step carefully, walker.
When you step out the door

You tried to be all vague and poety, this works well if done right, and goes terribly wrong if done wrong.

You need to lose the rhyme and just let your ideas be, they are your poem. Rhyme and flow and all that jazz, are just the mechanics and icing on the cake. They give you the flare to be different, along with presentation of your ideas.

As to your message: I like it, watching for uncertainty and things of that sort, but you should really give more to it. Ways that it is something you need to watch out for, reasons and things like that.

Now then, with all that being said, I am going to give some ways, in which I think you can further improve your poem. Mostly along the lines of unneeded lines and too many words.

Weary of the weather,
in mid december,
this morning should be cold,
and cold it shall be
on my path,

lies a new sheet of ice,
like a warning flare,
I must remember to look,
for the safty of tan,
and the evil of gray.

This pretty much said the same thing, as your first three stanaza. Tan is safty, gray is evil.
It gives a bit more to the images. The warning flare, let's you know that it is bright outside, the ice is reflective and that something bad is happening / could happen / did happen.It also let's you know why you shold remember to look. Because you'd look and pay attention to a warning flare, right? There's a lot that can be done within one line. You can take this in so many ways and make something so much more complex than what you already have. With your own ideas and things.

And again, don't let rhyme govern your poem so much, if it is a big issue, I am sure you can find a way to add lines that are needed and useful. And you should give more to your poem than what it is, give it a personality or a theme or something that makes it poetry over vague prose.

I am sorry if I was confusing and things, I understand that I am not a very orderly person, if you have questions, let me know. I will try my best to make them more apperent or revoke them, if they seem to be silly or something of the sort.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

P.S, I want you to redo the poem, kinda like how I did, but with your words and ideas, for the entire thing. And I'll want to see that poem as well.

[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html

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storiesandsuch

Gender

Points 1152

Reviews 4

Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:38 am

storiesandsuch says... · Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:38 am

Wowza, that was a long review... and it sounds like you've got some serious literary merit thing going on, which would be super helpful and awesome if this was a serious poem. But, sorry, it's not. -_- My bad.
There wasn't really an underlying message that was supposed to be there, I was just writing about walking to school in the morning, so pretty much everything there is literal, with gray being the color of ice and tan being the color of the sidewalk.
As for the first stanza,
Aware of the weather
A rise, yesterday
I meant that there was a rise in temperature, and when there's a warm day followed by an overnight freeze the snow melts and then the water freezes over, making everything icy. I probably should have been a little more clear on that.
I think you might have been taking this a little too seriously, I'm not really going for the "IMMA SUPA POET!!!" feel. But thanks a bunch anyways

and I might try to re-do it in a more literary fashion just 'cause you said so.

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