Earth is a Wonderland

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This is written from the point of view of a robot who has never seen or known the outside world, who only knows of man-made things. He's never seen animals, water or plants, and this is the story of the morning he decides to open the door and walk out.

The roof was a strange colour, stretching far as the mind’s eye
The flooring was scratchy, and had been splashed with green dye
The furniture was moving, with fashioned ear and snout
This world was a Wonderland, but not one I knew about

Dimmed lamps were hung with patchy coloured shrouds
Antennae stuck to spiky, zipper-like crowds
Like clear plastic being waved was a surface nearby
Underneath, little wraiths, doorstops unable to apply

As I walked, things stuck to my feet
Like shattered glass, but not nearly as neat
Then there were harder things, like a paper weight
But they weren’t as appealing, and easier to hate

Something came down, like a massive fluffy shower
It growled a huge growl, and snapped at me with power
I stumbled backwards, clutching my jacket closer
I hated this world, and the person who chose her

I slammed my door shut and ran to my bed
The outside world is scary; I’ll keep this one instead
I’d lasted all my life serving with tin hand and feet
My first session outside, and already defeat

~Durrs
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Hi Durriedog,

This is my first time reviewing your work. What a great piece to review! I loved the story line. It was a great narrative poem! The whole concept was so well done, someone seeing the world for the first time. Your descriptions and explanations of various things in this is really well done and to such detail. My only nit-pick, the robot seemed incredibly human-like. Maybe instead of a robot, a person who has been closed away from the world since birth...

But it was awesome just the same! Best wishes with future writing!

RedLeaf




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Hi Durriedog! Your rhyme scheme is absolutely fabulous! It wasn't too predictable or forced and just seemed to roll off the tongue. Good work!

Durriedog wrote:This is written from the point of view of a robot who has never seen or known the outside world, who only knows of man-made things. He's never seen animals, water or plants, and this is the story of the morning he decides to open the door and walk out.


Generally, poetry shouldn't require an explanation. When there is a preface to a poem, the reader tends to assume that the poet just couldn't thoroughly describe the topic in the poem. I'm not saying this is the case; rather, I'm saying that others might believe it to be. Perhaps you could add in a stanza or two about what the robot's world was like before he ventured out, and this could give us a hint as to what you're talking about. Look, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! My feet are Longfellows.

Durriedog wrote:Then there were harder things, like a paper weight


Since "things" is plural, "paper weights" should be, too.

... And I think that's about it! I really love the topic of the poem, and with a little bit of work, it could become spectacular. Keep writing!

- Abigail



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze